re: Days 370-378 "The Day After Christmas"

Footprints of Death...............

Christmas was a bit surreal yet empowering.  It was surreal because it was the first Christmas without my closest loved ones (My Mom, Dad, and Aunt Joy).  It was empowering because I finally felt that my loved ones were o.k. and I felt strengthened to move forward and not look back and wish they were here.  I felt that they have really found peace.  Weird, right?  I know, but this is the way I felt on Christmas (yesterday).

Today, it was announced that famed R&B singer Teena Marie passed away today at age 54.  My condolences to her family and her millions of fans.

Life is short so please remember to laugh, live, and love always and on purpose.

Days 361-369

Footprints of Death...............

I have mixed emotions during this holiday season. I am grateful that my parents no longer have to suffer but I miss them.  I miss the way life used to be but I know that it's time to enjoy life anew.  These emotions are weird but they are prevalent so I am determined to deal with them so that they do not deal with me.

It's been a while since I have checked in, so I better run through the 5 Stages of Grief (BAADD) Process.  Again, I created this acronym for the 5 stages of grief.  Here it is:

Bargaining-Not at all.
Acceptance-Totally.
Anger-Not much.
Denial-Not at all.
Depression-No, doing well.

Days 352-360

Footprints of Death...............

The holidays tend to be a difficult time period, but when you add the loss of a loved one, then the holidays can be dismal.  I do not feel dismal but I do feel the longing for those that I have lost.  I miss my parents, my Aunt Joy, and my Aunt Hayruth.  Lately, I have been thinking about wishes.  If I could have one wish, I would wish for more time with the ones that I love who are no longer here on earth.  I am going to lean on God to take me through these times.

Well, I better run through the 5 stages of grief or the BAADD process as it has been a while.

In terms of the BAADD process, here we go:
Bargaining- Not at all.
Acceptance-Totally.
Anger-Not anymore.
Denial- No, but I'm still in unbelief.
Depression- No, I'm doing well.


As always, I will continue to laugh, live, and love often and on purpose.  

Days 347-351

Footprints of Death...............


I made it through Thanksgiving and I felt at peace with the situation....in fact I think that the sting of loss has started to dissipate.  I now have peace in knowing that I don't have to worry about my parent's well-being anymore.  Yeah, I still miss them terribly, but I have joy.

In terms of the BAADD process, here we go:

Bargaining- Not at all.
Acceptance-Totally.
Anger-Not anymore.
Denial- No, but I'm still in unbelief.
Depression- No, I'm doing well.

Days 340-346

Footprints of Death...............

Yesterday was the 2nd Thanksgiving without both of my parents.   It was different but yet my siblings and I made it.  I felt a sense of peace in knowing that my parents no longer have to suffer with illness and I no longer worry about their safety and well-being.


In terms of the BAADD process, here we go:

Bargaining- Not at all.
Acceptance-Totally.
Anger-Not anymore.
Denial- No, but I'm still in unbelief.
Depression- No, I'm doing well.

Days 332-339

Footprints of Death...............


The holiday season is approaching and this time tends to remind me of what I do not have even though I am grateful for what I have.  In this case, the holidays cause me to miss my parents terribly.  This is a weird time so I am depending on God to take me through this season.  I intend to continue to  write on this blog more often during the holiday season just to vent my feelings.

In terms of the BAADD or 5 stages of grief process, I better go over it:

Bargaining- Not at all.
Acceptance- Yes, I have accepted it but my acceptance has yet to give way to approval.
Anger- Not anymore.
Depression-  No.
Denial- Not at all but I am still in unbelief.

As always remember to laugh, live, and love always and on purpose.

Days 326-331

Footprints of Death...............

I made it! Yesterday was the one (1) year anniversary since my Daddy's death. I think I handled the day much better than I thought that I would.   I felt calm. I felt happy.........and finally I felt that he was able to be at peace.  I watched my Daddy suffer through terrible physical and mental illnesses and I am relieved to know that I don't have to worry him being hurt or lost somewhere because of his illness.  I have relief that I hope leads to my complete happiness.  I used to wonder if I would ever have "complete happiness" now I am adamant that I will continue to pursue happiness.  Like all the other things that I have pursued in life, I am sure that I will find it.

Remember to laugh, live, and love always and on purpose because tomorrow is not promised.

Days 320-325

Footprints of Death...............

One down one to go.  I made it through my Mom's passing anniversary.  Next, I am preparing myself for my Dad's one (1 )year death anniversary.  This process has not been easy but I am sure that I would not have made it without God's help.  It was God who got me through my lowest points and I am eternally grateful.

Days 315-319-Mommy's Anniversary of Her Passing

Footprints of Death...............

Today is October 30, 2010. I must admit that I was anticipating a weird day as this is the 11 year anniversary of my Mommy's passing.  Wow!  When I tell you that time has flown, I am very serious.  I must admit that I barely remember the first five(5) years after her passing as I was merely existing at that point.  My Mommy and I were very close and I could anticipate what she needed before she even asked for something and vice-versa.

Anyway, I chose to be happy today and to focus on fulfilling my life's goals.  I chose to use my past hurts and disappointments to propel me to the future that I see every night in my dreams.  Sounds good, right?  Yea, I know, cause I must admit this "attitude" feels good.

Days 309-314

Footprints of Death...............

I am doing much better. I am starting to feel like myself again.  This is the end of October and I will be celebrating my Mom's 11 year death anniversary.  Time has flown!!!  I kinda feel that a part of me died when she (my Mommy) died because sometimes I find it difficult to care about this life knowing that my Mom has moved on into the next life.  I know that's weird to say but it is truly how I feel sometimes. I don't feel my Mom's loss so much these days because I feel her presence.  When I am at my lowest points, I feel like she is there. Another weird statement but again this is how I feel.  Next month will be even more eventful as it is the 1 year anniversary of my Dad's death.  I am feeling a little cynical tonight but I'm o.k.

In terms of the BAADD or 5 stages of grief process, I better run through it:

Bargaining- Not at all.
Acceptance- Yes, I have accepted it but my acceptance has yet to give way to approval.
Anger- Not anymore.
Depression-  No.
Denial- Not at all but I am still in unbelief.

As always remember to laugh, live, and love always and on purpose.

re: Days 304-308

Footprints of Death...............

I am better and I'm getting busy.  The grief is starting to subside.

Today the news said that Tom Bosley, who was the father on the hit show "Happy Days" today at age 83.  He was an awesome actor who brought my family and I so much joy.  My condolences to the Bosley Family.

Remember to laugh, live, and love always and on purpose.

Days 300-303

Footprints of Death...............


I'm just checking in.  I'm feeling better.  I am almost back to my chipper self.   I hope that life is treating my family and friends well.  I also hope that I do NOT have to deal with death in my inner circle for at least another year.  I know I have no control over this, but it can't hurt to ask, right?


I created an acronym for the 5 Stages of Grief (BAADD). Since it has been a while since I checked in on my stages of grief, I better do it now.

Bargaining- Not at all.
Acceptance-Yes, however the losses of three loved ones in a year's time frame still feels surreal.
Anger-Not now.
Depression- No, but I am saddened by their losses.
Denial-Not at all, I am aware of what has happened


Until next time, remember to laugh, live, and love always and on purpose.

Days 293-299

Footprints of Death...............

Well, I have been taking it one day at a time since the recent losses of my Joy and my Aunt Barbara.  I was close with my Aunt Joy however I did not have much of a relationship with Aunt Barbara but I feel her loss just the same. As you all know, I created an acronym for the 5 Stages of Grief (BAADD). Since it has been a while since I checked in on my stages of grief, let's do it now.

Bargaining- Not at all.
Acceptance-Yes, however their losses feel surreal.
Anger-Not now.
Depression- No, but I am saddened by their losses.
Denial-Not at all, I am aware of what has happened.

Sid Roth - It's Supernatural Messianic Vision: Nic and Rachael Billman

Sid Roth - It's Supernatural Messianic Vision: Nic and Rachael Billman

Footprints of Death...............

Days 286-292

Footprints of Death...............

Interesting time....  I am dealing with the compounded grief of losing two aunts (one from each side of my family) in the month of September 2010.

I'm not feeling much like checking in on the 5 stages of grief or BAADD process, but I will check in next time.

Enjoy and appreciate life today because tomorrow is not promised.

Days 284-285

Footprints of Death...............

I must admit that I feel emotionally drained.  This was a difficult month to say the least.  Also, this feels like the longest month of my life.  On 9/12/10 I lost my Aunt Joy, on 9/20/10 my older sister who helped raise me had a major successful surgery, and today 9/28/10 my Aunt Barbara passed away.  Wow!  I know that in order to keep living life change is eminent.  Change is a major component of life so why do I feel the same shock and sense of loss every time someone that I love passes away?  It seems silly but all of life (i.e. good and bad) is necessary. Intellectually, I know that "This too will pass," I just wish it would pass alot faster and for longer periods of time (lol).

In terms of the BAADD grief process, I better check-in for the day.


Bargaining- Not at all.

Acceptance- I think I'm getting there.

Anger- A little.

Denial- No, I am fully aware that they are no longer here.

Depression - No, I just need an emotional break for while. I really need a long 10-20 day vacation surrounded by water. Oh yea, I would love for this vacation to be at no expense to me with no strings attached.

Days 276-283

Footprints of Death...............

This has been an amazing week.  My sister had a major surgery but she pulled through just fine.  This week I also came to terms with the loss of my Aunt Joy.    I am elated that she is finally able to rest and not suffer anymore with constant illness and the loss of her independence. 

In terms of the BAADD grief process, I better check-in for the day.


Bargaining- Not at all.

Acceptance- I think I'm getting there.

Anger- No so much today.

Denial- No, I am fully aware that she is no longer here.

Depression - No, I just need an emotional break for while. I really need a long 10-20 day vacation surrounded by water.

Family Love Is Eternal

Footprints of Death...............

Days 273-275

Footprints of Death...............

I am so grateful to have this personal forum to discuss my feelings and experiences with death.  As I have mentioned in previous postings, I think that it is important to deal with my feelings of grief so that those feelings do not deal with me and manifest in unhealthy ways (i.e. disease, unhealthy behaviors, etc).

Anyway, my Aunt was laid to rest yesterday 9/18/2010. At this point I am emotionally exhausted.  Tomorrow, I have a huge challenge to face that involves a life or death situation for someone else that is very close to me but I am completely in God's hands as I need God to carry me through this one.  I am nothing and can do nothing without Jesus Christ as the ultimately guider and redeemer.  God I trust you no matter how things may look right now.

In terms of the BAADD grief process, I better check-in for the day.

Bargaining- Not at all.
Acceptance- Not at all.
Anger- It seems to be subsiding.
Denial- No, I am fully aware that she is no longer here.
Depression - No, I just need an emotional break for while.  I really need a long 10-20 day vacation surrounded by water.

Days 270-272

Footprints of Death...............


Due to the loss of my Aunt I will be writing more frequently as I have been hurled back into grief; therefore I need to revisit the 5 Stages of Grief.  

As a reminder, my acronym for the 5 stages of grief is called the BAADD process:

Bargaining - Not at all.
Acceptance - Not yet.
Anger- Today, yes!!!!! I wished for an easier way to deal with life. Yikes!!!! God is always in control and never falls asleep at the wheel. I wish I could have been there for her before she died.
Denial- Not at all, just unbelief.
Depression- No, doing fine.

AGAIN- Days 266-269

Footprints of Death...............

No matter how many times I hear the words, "Sorry, but you just lost .........," I will never get used to it.  On September 12, 2010 we lost my favorite Aunt who was like a second Mom to myself and my siblings.  She was still in her early sixties and I really wanted to take care of her. My Aunt Joy P. was a fantastic musician and woman.  She was kind to everyone she ever met.  She never married or had children of her own by choice.  She seemed to enjoy the life that she carved out for herself because she spent most of her time caring for others and putting their needs above her own.  I wanted her life as a retiree to be absolutely perfect, but I was not able to help out in this way.  As a Ph.D. student I have to delay certain things right now until my education has been completed.  Nevertheless, I was praying that I would have more time to be there for her and to help take care of her but God had another plan.  I am happy that she no longer has to suffer from sickness anymore.   I am overcome right now, so I just want you (Aunt Joy) to know that I LOVE YOU and you will be greatly missed.  Please tell my grandparents and parents that I said, "hello!"

I am deeply saddened and I am sure that I will have to revisit the 5 Stages of Grief process until the sting of her passing has subsided.

Until we meet again............................................

Day 265

Footprints of Death...............

Today I would like to offer my deepest condolences to Whoopi Goldberg and her family for the loss of her Mom.  I would also like to offer my deepest condolences to Marvin Sapp, one of my favorite gospel singing artists, who lost his wife MaLinda Sapp to colon cancer.  I pray for the peace of both families. I hope that God eases your pain and even through the pain of grief, loss, loneliness, and feelings of despair that God will show you all his awesome love and concern.

Days 259-264

Footprints of Death...............

I think one of the first signs of healing from grief is that I have begun to forget about the grief process and focus on the business of living life.  Lol!  Right now, I am working to create the life and legacy that I want for myself.

I miss my parents but the horror of grief has been replaced with fond memories of them and the legacy that they left me with.

I am praying for all of the people who are and have suffered a loss.  I pray that anyone who has suffered a loss allows God to mend their hearts. I pray that each person does NOT ignore their symptoms of grief, but rather, they pay attention to their grief symptoms and to experience the feelings without letting the experience control their lives.  I pray that they do not take their grief out on other people and that they ask God for his help every time they need more strength.

As always, remember to laugh, live, and love always and on purpose.

Days 255-258

Footprints of Death...............

All I can say is, "amazing."  Life never ceases to amaze me and death never ceases to educate me.

I am praying for all of you who have lost a loved one. God is the mender of broken hearts and damaged souls.

Remember to laugh, live, and love always and on purpose.

Days 252-254

Footprints of Death...............

Well it's been nine months since my Dad passed away.  I am moving through the grief process very well.  I feel as though I have moved past the 5 stages of grief that I previously discussed in this blog.  These days I see my Daddy in my dreams.  My Mommy, on the other hand, seems to make her presence felt on a daily basis.

For those who have lost a loved one, please know that God can give you peace for anxiety and He can give you joy for ashes if you just invite Him into your grief and ask Him for his help.

As always, remember to laugh, live, and love always and on purpose.

Days 249-251

Footprints of Death...............

The only word that pervades my mind as I write this post is "peace."  God has given me a new peace in my life that I have not known.  I cannot remember the last time that I was not worried about one or both of my parents.  I am so grateful that they are now able to rest and so am I.  Amazing!  I never thought that the death of my parents would ever yield a positive outcome, but I was wrong.  Their ability to rest has given me the ability to experience peace, take deep breaths, take long walks, and just relax.  Just relax?  Weird concept for me, but I am learning to enjoy it.

As always, remember to laugh, live, and love always and on purpose.

Days 245-248

Footprints of Death...............

All is well.  I am healing from grief pretty well.  I still miss my parents deeply but I still have my drive and zest for life.  So grateful.

Remember to laugh, live, and love always and on purpose!

Days 240-244

Footprints of Death...............

I am transitioning again but I am excited to see where this transition will lead me.

There have been a lot of tragedies and death amongst family and friends but I rest in the fact that God has it all under control.

As always, remember to laugh, live, and love always and on purpose.

Days 235-239

Footprints of Death...............

This seems like it was the fastest summer of my life.  Death has taught me a lot about what it means to really live.  I am amazed at my new perspective on life.  I am truly enjoying my journey now.  I cannot wait to see what's next.

For those who are suffering a loss.  I offer my deepest condolences.  Please know that things will get better and your mourning will again turn to joy.

As always, remember to laugh, live, and love always and on purpose.

Days 232-234

Footprints of Death...............

I know that this may seem weird but now that both of my parents are gone, the only time that I get to see them and interact with them is in my dreams. This morning I had a dream about my Dad.  Here it is:

My Daddy was in his early 30's and he had still had both of his hands. He was wearing a basketball jersey as he was returning from playing basketball with the guys.  We were all at a bbq and the women were inside getting the food ready while my Daddy and the guys were outside playing basketball.  My Daddy was coming in to eat, when my Friend E and myself were coming out of the door.  My friend E looked at my Daddy and said, "You have such beautiful eyes."  My Dad looked down at her and said, "I got them from my father."  This dream was significant to me for two reasons: 1). I was grown in the dream but my Dad was the age that he was when I was born.  2). The line that my Dad said to my friend E was the line that I always say to people when they compliment me on my eyes.

Days 229-231

Footprints of Death...............

I am progressively moving forward.  All things have become new.  I am happy.

I encourage everyone who has suffered a loss not be afraid to start anew.  Our loved ones who have gone on would be happy to know that we are living life to the fullest.  Be encouraged at whatever stage you are in your grief process.

Remember to laugh, live, and love always and on purpose.

Days 222-228

Footprints of Death...............

Life is moving quickly, but I have no complaints.  I cannot believe that it's already August. Wow!

I have been thinking a lot about this blog.  I hope to do some interesting things with this blog in the near future.  I will share with you all when the plan is ready to unfold.

Remember God and time really do heal the pain of grief if we allow them too.

Have a great night!

Days 219-221

Footprints of Death...............

Today was a beautiful day.  I have no complaints.  I am just amazed and elated by life right now.  I missed my joy at one time, but now it is back. Thank God!

Days 216-218-The Aloe Plant

Footprints of Death...............

Shortly after my Dad died I moved to a new place.  The movers had one small job after moving the heavy stuff was to carefully pick up my large aloe plant and move it to my new home.  Well, needless to say that move did not go well as the movers broke the large plant at the very root and within a month the entire plant was dead.  I saw that plant as a reflection of what I was already going through in my life but I refused to stare at a dead thing, especially a dead thing that had brought me healing on many occasions. I asked my sister if we should re-plant the tree and she said, "yes."  We went to the gardening department and purchased rich soil and large potting plants.  We salvaged a few branches of aloe that were still alive.  We turned our one (1 ) large plant into 3 large plants.  Six months later we have three (3) beautiful large aloe plants that are now able to provide healing for cuts, burns, etc for years to come (smiling).

So, everything dies, but sometimes things die to allow other great things an opportunity to become.  Of course this theory may not apply to people but it certainly works well with bad circumstances, and in this case, a dead plant.  Lol!

Days 214 & 215

Footprints of Death...............

Today I had another epiphany or as Oprah would say, "An aha moment."  After receiving news that I did not like or understand I realized that I am experiencing death all over again. This time the death has nothing to do with the loss of a loved one, but rather the loss of a way of life.  With every day that passes, I am realizing that I have forever left the life that I once knew behind.  I realized today that the struggles of my past, the generational issues that once plagued my family are but a thing of the past.  My old struggles, my old fears, my old worries, and even my old anxieties are gone.  I have a chance to live life anew.  I have a chance at a fresh start and I have decided to take that fresh start.  I am going to let dead things stay dead.  I am not going to fear the unfamiliar or the unknown.  Just a thought that hit me today, so I thought I'd better share.

Days 212-213

Footprints of Death...............

Time is fleeting so I am trying to live a more fulfilled life.

Days 209-211

Footprints of Death...............

God is great!

Days 205-208

Footprints of Death...............

This week is going well.  I am busy and loving it.  Death is going on all around but I am dealing with it head-on by expressing my feelings.  For all of those going through a loss, be encouraged.

Day 204

Footprints of Death...............

My deepest condolences go out to the family, church family, friends, and fans of Bishop Walter Hawkins. He passed away today, Sunday, July 11, 2010 at age 61.  May God comfort all of our hearts as his prolific songwriting and spirit will be greatly missed.

Days 202 - 203

Footprints of Death...............

Nothing new to report in the area of grief.  I am stable and moving forward with no complaints.

Remember to laugh, live, and love always and on purpose.

Days 199-201

Footprints of Death...............

This week really flew by.  I cannot believe it's Thursday.  The week of a holiday is always busier than usual.

For now my grief seems healed.  I have been receiving uncommonly frequent reports of people dying who  were not ill or symptomatic in anyway.

My condolences go out to my cousin who just lost his 8 year old son.  I am so sorry.  God will comfort you if you allow Him too.  Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Despite the hand that life tries to deal you, remember to laugh, live, and love always and on purpose.

Days 196-198

Footprints of Death...............

Glad to have peace.  You really can't put a price on peace.

Day 195

Footprints of Death...............

God is faithful. I am content for now................................

Holidays used to be so difficult for me when I first lost my Mommy.  Up until last year, my sister and I would close the blinds and curtains during the holidays and stay home while other families were enjoying one another.  At that time I felt that I had lost a big part of my life, so what was the point of moving on in life if the end result is simply death.  I was wrong!!!  God gave me life and until he takes it away from me it is my responsibility to live it to the fullest.  Needless to say, that is what I have decided to do.  This year marks the first year that I have enjoyed each holiday.  To me, this is God's handy-work.  I don't feel the doom and gloom of yesterday and I appreciate ALL that life and death have taught me.

I choose to laugh, live, and love always and on purpose.

Good night!

Days 193-194

Footprints of Death...............

I had a memory about my Mommy today.  I was thinking about how I made it through the bellows of grief.  I heard my Mommy singing like she always used to. She was singing a song called "One Day At A Time."
I have to find out who wrote this song because I love it!  Some of the lyrics of the song were:

                     One day at a time sweet Jesus
                     That's all I'm asking of you
                     Lord for my sake
                     Teach me to take
                     One day at a time

                     Yesterday's gone sweet Jesus
                     And tomorrow will never be mine
                     Lord for my sake
                     Teach me to take
                     One day at a time

I think that this song is a metaphor for the way I made it through the darkness of grief. God is great!www.journeywithjudith.com

Days 190-192

Footprints of Death...............

Wow!  It's almost been eight(8) months since my Dad passed away.  Time surely does fly.  This week has been good.  I have been studying and working.....the story of my life. Lol!  Actually, I love learning and studying.  I adore school because you reap to the extent that you sow.

Lately, I have been receiving quite a bit of bad news but God has helped me not to internalize those problems.  Since he has healed my grief sick soul, he has given me a new attitude wherein I appreciate the really great times and I stand still during the bad times knowing that the storm presented will soon pass.

For all of you who are grieving, please remember that this process is temporary.  You will soon see the beauty in life and death again.  You will also appreciate the love that your loved one gave to you.  Keep your head up!

As always, remember to laugh, live to fullest, and show love often and on purpose.

Day 189

Footprints of Death...............

Dealing with the aftermath of death has allowed me enough pause to understand what is really important in life.  Taking care of myself is important. Family is important.  Having respect for friends and true friendships are important.  Enjoying life is important. Not sweating the small stuff is important.

Because God is great at healing a heart overcome with grief I now have the opportunity to think clearly and acknowledge my feelings in the moment.  I feel better. I feel like my best days are ahead, despite the uncertainty of my metaphoric tomorrow.

Days 186-188

Footprints of Death...............

Today I had an interesting thought.  I was thinking about death.  Six months ago, if I had met death on the street in a human body I would have pummeled him with my bare hands because he made me angry.  Today if I met him on the street I would give him a hug and thank him for what he did for me.

I was reminded today of the way that I watched my parents suffer in their health and in their lives.  I watched my Mommy suffer for 25 years of my life.  I watched my Daddy suffer for 36 years of my life.  In fact, I was starting to believe that suffering lasted a lifetime and was never ending.  Death taught me that nothing good or bad lasts forever.  Just a thought, that was interesting to me.

My perspective, like death's impact on me, has changed.  My devastation has turned into joy and personal fulfillment in my life.  I know my parents would be glad that I am going forward in life instead of wishing that I could join them in death.

For all who are grieving right now, keep your head up and keep going.  You will overcome!

Remember to laugh, live, and love as often as you can.

Days 184-185

Footprints of Death...............

Today was a good day. I have no complaints.  I made it through another day without thinking or feeling grief.  I feel blessed!

Days 181-183

Footprints of Death...............

I have been in a school conference for my Ph.D. residency.  I am tired, but glad that I was able to network and focus on my goals as a doctoral student.

Today was Father's Day, the first Father's Day without my Dad.  I received several texts/emails from friends who were offering their support at this time.  I really appreciated it.  Surprisingly, I did well today, I only cried once as I thought about my future graduation from my doctoral program.  I envisioned the sadness of knowing that neither of my parents will be there physically to see me realize my dream.  When my Mom was alive 11 years ago, she always called me Dr. Judith before I ever got to the graduate level in school.  Amazing!

So again, God was faithful to help me when I could not help myself.  I did not feel overwhelmed as I took solace in the fact that my Dad was finally able to rest. He is free and I am glad!! Happy Father's Day James Russell Owens!!!

Day 180

Footprints of Death...............

Today was the second day of my school residency. It went well. I am tired.

I guess the lesson that I learned is that the effects of death/grief can be overcome by continuing to live life to the fullest.

Good night!

Day 179

Footprints of Death...............

Life is getting really busy for me.  Today was the first day of my school residency.  I'm glad the day has ended.

I am eager to see what the future holds.  I encourage every reader to continue to pursue your dreams and passions as those who we have lost would want for us to be happy.  My parents would be elated to know that I feel happy again (big smile).

Day 178

Footprints of Death...............

Tired but glad for progression. To live is to change. I was thinking today that death is just the inability to change anymore.

Days 176-177

Footprints of Death...............

All I know today is, everything I need God has.  Everything I desire God gives it to me.  God is amazing and from the ashes I am starting to rise.  I hear Maya Angelou reciting her famous poem, "Still I Rise."

Days 174-175

Footprints of Death...............

Great day!  God has given me peace and joy in place of grief and sorrow.   I cannot stop smiling.

I know that God makes all things new.  Israel Houghton's new song "Moving Forward" is so encouraging.

Have a great night!

Day 173

Footprints of Death...............

I have to share this scripture today.  God is a healer of all things broken, especially broken hearts.

Philippians 4:7 "And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

Day 172- "All Things Are New!"

Footprints of Death...............

Isaiah 61:3 in the Bible says that God will give those who mourn beauty for ashes, the oil of joy, and the garment of praise in exchange for the spirit of heaviness.  Not only does this scripture read like beautiful poetry but it has been the "truth" revealed in my life in the past six (6) months since I lost my last living parent.  In November I felt hopeless and I could have cared less what happened to me.  I felt so lost and almost lost the will to live entirely....but I kept hearing God tell me that I would be o.k. I could also feel my parents cheering me forward.  

Death and grief have also been great teachers.  Even through the affects of death and grief, I learned that newness can happen.  I am amazed! I have learned that in order to get through the loss of a loved one and grief I had to spend my time strengthening my spirit.  I learned that when you strengthen your spirit, your body, mind, and soul will have no choice but to follow.

Israel Houghton, a contemporary gospel singer, has an amazing song out right now.  I think it's called, "Forward!"  The song is a declaration that God makes all things new and we do not have to dwell in the pain and disappointment of the past.

I am encouraged and I wish the same for everyone who has suffered a loss of any kind.

Day 171

Footprints of Death...............

I have been spending a lot of time working on my spirit.  I have been reading and studying the Bible, listening to Gospel worship music, and just being very reflective.  I just continue to be grateful for my life and all of the issues that I have endured.  The death of both of my parents over time has made me stronger as a person.

I encourage anyone who has suffered a loss, to begin to listen to yourself and your soul.  If you listen to yourself and to God He will tell you what you need to do in order to heal, but it does require retreat from hectic schedules and people.  A little alone time is healing for the soul.

Days 169-170

Footprints of Death...............

I know that I say this a lot but I am grateful about the life that I had.  The sequence of events that happened in my life amazes me.  I am also grateful for the life that I have now.  Today has just been a day of reflection and all I could think about was how far I have come.  It's amazing how one day you can be in a pit filled with the most vile and disgusting things (figuratively), then suddenly you end up on a paradise island where everything is at your disposal.  I know that sounds crazy, but this is how I feel right now.

For anyone who recently lost a loved one please be encouraged and know that you will heal just give yourself the opportunity to heal.  Write about how you feel, exercise when you feel bad, draw about how you feel, cook about how feel but please try not to do the other self-destructive things.

Take care,

Day 168 - Mr. John Wooden

Footprints of Death...............

I did not know Mr. Wooden personally but I feel his loss as I am a U.C.L.A. Bruin.  Mr. Wooden was born in 1910 and passed away June 4, 2010.  He made such a huge impact on the sport of basketball and on humanity.  I am deeply saddened by his loss and I offer my condolences to Mr. Wooden's family.  

I am glad that Mr. Wooden can now rest knowing that he has lived a great life and impacted so many.  Rest in peace!

Day 167-Rue Mc Clanahan of "The Golden Girls Sitcom"

Footprints of Death...............

My condolences to the family of Rue Mc Clanahan, who played Blanche Devereaux on the famous "Golden Girls Sitcom."  She was extremely talented and she gave my family and I countless hours of laughter.

I just wish that she was honored more while she was alive.  I wish we could all take pause and give kudos to the aging entertainers who performed their jobs and lived their lives with dignity, class, and grace.  They made our lives better so why can't we return the favor?

Days 165-166

Footprints of Death...............

In terms of grief I think that I am moving past the grieving process rather nicely.  When I look back at the blogs from November of 2009 when my Dad passed away I had little hope that I would feel good again, but God has surpassed my expectations and I feel great.  I am doing the things that I love (ex: writing, singing, learning, playing tennis).  I just feel holistically happy.  I am still waiting for my spiritual dream ( a gift that God has placed in me that I am not utilizing to its full potential).  There is one dream that meets me in my sleep and pervades most of my thoughts during the day.  This dream is the one that helped me  move past the stages of grief that I spoke of.........writing and singing music is my unfulfilled dream but I am hopeful that 2010 will open the door to this dream just as it has opened the door on other dreams that I have. God has really done supernatural things for me in 2010 and I am awe struck!!!

If you are grieving, know that you are not alone.  Go through your own process and express your true feelings.  It's only when we reveal our "true feelings" to God, then he can heal us.  Let's invite God into our pain, you know the deep hidden areas of loss that have been caused by death, loss of the quality of life, loss of health, loss of family, etc.  Please remember that God's plan for us is perfect, He has our destiny in mind so we cannot let temporary setbacks deter us from the purpose and promise that God has placed over our lives.

Remember to laugh, live, and love always and on purpose!

Days 161-164

Footprints of Death...............

I am just checking in on my process of grief.  I am feeling well.  Things are moving fast and of course I am busy (lol).  There have been many deaths around me.  I offer my condolences to all of those who have lost loved ones. I understand your pain.

As I usually say, I am determined to deal with grief so that grief does not deal with me and affect me emotionally, mentally, or physically.  I hope that anyone else who has suffered a loss will do the same.

Have a great night!

Day 160- Gary Coleman

Footprints of Death...............

Today I heard the news that actor Gary Coleman died.  I am saddened by his loss.   He gave me hours of laughter after school, when I was a kid. My Dad would watch the show with me and he would say, "That kid is something else (with a big smile)!  I could not wait to hear the "Different Strokes" song and dance to it.  I loved Gary's big cheeks and his comedic timing.  He always made me laugh.  I could watch that show over and over it reminds of a great period of time... the 80's when I was a kid.

Anyway, I hope that Gary found the peace and joy that he gave to us through his work.  Rest in Peace Gary, I loved your work!!!

Day 160 -Continued

Footprints of Death...............

Is it just me or does death somehow bring back or increase your sensitivity (feelings)?  Death certainly sensitized me.  Maybe I'm the only one that feels this way, but I thought it was worth mentioning.  Now that I I have lost both of my parents, I  really feel great when people who really love me say, "I love you."  I feel it to my core, in fact their words feel like a true experience of love and not just mere words.  I guess I have a truer (better as learning never ends) understanding of how powerful words really are especially in the aftermath of death.  It's amazing how God has placed beauty and amazement in all things both good and bad, we just have to look beyond what we see on the surface and learn the lesson from the challenges being presented.  It really means the world to me to feel the love of those who love me.  Words are inadequate to express how I feel.   I also notice that I appreciate the "little things" in life so much more.  I even take the time to make sure that I appreciate others because I understand that there is no certainty in life.  In fact, death is very much a part of life. I just wanted to share that thought at as hit me as I just spent time near my love.  Who's my love?   For now it's water.  Whenever I get near water I feel inspired, I feel creative, and I have in-depth thoughts.  I know I'm weird. Lol!

When I enjoy life by appreciating others, I heal myself, even through the pain of grief.  I am starting to believe the death acronym that I created more and more.  Perhaps D.E.A.T.H. really does stand for Decreasing External Activities That Hinder as life through death has more clarity to me.

Day 160

Footprints of Death...............

This weekend I plan on enjoying myself.  This weekend my perspective is to look forward.

I wish everyone a safe and happy holiday weekend.  Dealing with the effects of death is simply a wake-up call to live life.  So I'm gonna go out and live it this weekend.

Remember to laugh, live, and love!

Day 159

Footprints of Death...............

I was at work today and I told someone that I lost both of my parents already.  The lady said, "I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad when I was 19 years old."  I consoled her and offered my condolences and then out of nowhere she made a statement that I was not expecting....."Wow, both of your parents are gone, I bet you feel like an orphan."  I was taken back for a minute but I realized it was coming from a cold place inside of her.  I do not feel like an orphan because I had two parents that loved me and parents to whom I was securely attached.  I feel blessed to have had parents despite the fact that they are physically no longer here.

I just don't understand why some people insist on being so cruel.  My guess is she has never really dealt with her own grief and even though it's been 25+ years since her loss, she has not done the work needed to heal.  I do wish her the best and hope she finds the healing that she needs. I am finding out more and more that some people like to make jabs when they find out you are lacking in an area.  It saddens me because I would not wish the pain of grief and loss on my worst enemy.  I encourage anyone experiencing loss to please ignore the silly things some people say as they are speaking out of their own pain.

Good night!

Days 156-158

Footprints of Death...............

I made it. My Dad's Birthday was on May 24th and I was very nervous about how I would feel since this was his first birthday since he Died in November.  Instead of being filled with grief and pain on his birthday I was grateful for his life, his immense courage, his determination, his fatherhood, and lastly his ability to finally rest.  My Dad was the hardest working man I ever met.  Not only was he hardworking but he worked without the use of his right hand which was severed in an accident (at his job) when he was a very young man.  I rejoiced in the fact that my Dad did not have to deal with the aggravation of epilepsy( I did not capitalize the E in Epilepsy because it has no power over my Dad or our family anymore).  My Dad no longer has to deal with the embarassment that having a seizure would bring him.  People were often afraid to be around him for fear that he would have a seizure...but that was their loss because to know him was to love him.

Again, I am amazed by how God has carried me through the pain of grief.  I feel good.  I feel happy.  I feel like I have a good understanding of life and even the purpose of death....at least that's how I feel today (smiling).

Day 155

Footprints of Death...............

I know I should not be anxious about things, but tomorrow is my Dad's birthday.  Wow, I really just want to be happy that he lived to be 71 years old and is no longer suffering.  God help me not to worry today about tomorrow.

Day 154

Footprints of Death...............

This day flew by and it seemed like I didn't have much time to do all of the things that I needed to do.  Post my parents death, life continues to amaze me.  I can't stop smiling.  Yea, still smiling.  Yep, still smiling.

I feel like this is a new season for me....a season of happiness.  I pray that all of my readers will experience the same happiness and joy that I am feeling right not.

Good Night!

Day 153

Footprints of Death...............

Today's events showed me that God hears me when I speak to him.  All I can say is that I appreciate Him and without Him I would not have made it.  Life has, at time, given me a heavy beating but God's grace has been sufficient to deliver me from the trials of being near death, sickness, poverty, depression, anger, and a host of other issues.  God is a deliverer!

For those who may be reading who still feel the pain of grief, please know that God hears you too, and He cares.

Good night!

Day 152- Death Has No Lasting Sting

Footprints of Death...............

Today I had a chance to reflect.  I was thinking about where I was just 6 months ago.  Six months ago I felt like I was hit by a mac truck and left paralyzed (metaphorically speaking).  I had no will to go on and could have cared less what life had in store for me.  My whole life leading up to the last six months just felt like I was treading in 6 inch snow with glue at the base of the snow.  No matter what I tried it seemed like it was met with extreme resistance. But nothing good or bad last always................

Today, I got a chance to reflect about what I have been through and the trials I have endured.  It gave me great joy to see God's hand on my life because I KNOW that I would never have made it through any of my struggles (physical, mental, etc) if it were not for my relationship with Jesus Christ.  So tonight, I am writing with a grateful heart.  I even feel like thanking death because even he could not steal my testimony. Death truly has no lasting sting.

Be encouraged everyone, I just had to get that off my chest.

Day 151

Footprints of Death...............

Today was rainy but beautiful nevertheless.  I am looking forward to the future.  The death of my parents caused me to appreciate life much more.  Perhaps the purpose of death is to show me just how precious life really is.  Just a thought.

I need to turn in now, long day.  For anyone who may be suffering from a recent loss please be encouraged  and know that the pain will not last forever.

Remember to laugh, live, and love!

Day 150- Ms. Lena Horne

Footprints of Death...............

I forgot to mention the recent (5/10) loss of great jazz singer and woman, Ms. Lena Horne.  She was a classy lady and a role model for female entertainers everywhere.  My condolences to Ms. Horne's family.  Good night!

Day 150

Footprints of Death...............

Life is good.  Life has its highs and lows but I am glad for the moments.  I've learned a lot.  I lived a lot.  No matter what I have been through, I'm still grateful.

Enjoy your Sunday and tell the people in your life that you love them everyday because tomorrow is NOT promised.

Day 149

Footprints of Death...............

I missed yesterday but I had a wonderful time with my family.

Day 148-One Day Makes a Big Difference!

Footprints of Death...............

Yesterday was filled with many terrible emotions.  I was reminded of past disappointments and times when sickness enslaved myself and my family.  I wanted yesterday to be over and I asked God to please turn the page on the situation for me.  Within 24 hrs God did hear my cry and my prayers. He opened doors that have never been opened to me before.  I cannot tell you how grateful I am right now.

The Bible says, "When my mother and my father forsake me, then the Lord will take me up."  I am so glad that God has stepped in as a parent to me since I have no parents here on earth.  When I think about how faithful and how concerned God is about me I am moved to tears. ....tears.....then worship in song.  I LOVE JESUS!  I am not ashamed to say that because this is what my heart feels.

For those going through any difficult loses of family, loved ones, jobs, way of life, etc just ask God for help and direction and I promise you He will meet needs in a perfect way that is taylor made for your life.

Enjoy your night!  Keep loving one another.

Day 147

Footprints of Death...............

I just got home from taking my sister to the Emergency Room.  I'm too drained to talk about it right now but I believe that God is in control.  I will not grieve the loss of my sister's total health, I know that she is whole and healed by faith.

Good Nite!

Day 146

Footprints of Death...............

I am absolutely exhausted.  I will check in tomorrow.

Day 145

Footprints of Death...............

It was a hard day but I handled it well because I spent yesterday in prayer.   I feel more empowered to handle the hard issues that life continues to bring.  Death's sting seems to decrease when I approach my life with prayer first.  Whew, I'm tired I think I better retire for the night.

Day 144

Footprints of Death...............

This is it!!! Today marks the six (6) month mark since my Dad passed away.  I cannot believe that I made it this far but I am certainly glad that I did.  Today was a good day. I spent it in prayer when I first got up this morning, then I went to noonday prayer.  I got through this day by seeking God.  He always comforts me when I feel that I have no else who understands me.

I pray for comfort and encouragement for all those who have lost a loved one.  God truly understands our pain and He cares.  Goodnight!

Day 143

Footprints of Death...............

Mother's Day really turned out very nicely.  I anticipated the worst based on past Mother's Day experiences since my Mommy passed away.  Today turned out well.   God is an awesome comforter.

I'm feeling tired, I'd better turn in.

Day 142

Footprints of Death...............

Wow, the night before Mother's Day...

I was doing well until I saw all of the Mother's Day shows on television with celebrities and their Moms.  Great shows but it hurts to watch because I remember whom I lost.  I would love to share my adult life with my Mom, but I cannot.  She is gone to her rest.  I could lie and pretend that I am past the pain, but nearly 11 years since her passing I am not beyond the pain or the void of her loss.

I do wish everyone who is a Mom a Happy Mother's Day.  I encourage you all who have your Mom to cherish her and honor her every chance that you have.  For those, who like me, who have lost your Mom please be encouraged and take joy in knowing that God said he would be a mother to the motherless and a father to the fatherless.

God is faithful and He gives peace to those who need it.  I need it and I am asking for peace as well as joy for ashes.

Have a great night!

Day 141

Footprints of Death...............

This has been a long week but I am certainly glad that it is over.   Mother's Day is approaching and I am committed to not closing myself off from the world like I feel like doing.  It is easy to want to retreat when everyone around you is excited about visiting their Mom's for the weekend.

I do take joy in the fact that I had a Mommy who was awesome and who poured so much into me, but life without her presence and her voice is still very difficult.  It feels like I just heard and saw her, but October of this year makes 11 years since she passed away.  Wow!

Day 140

Footprints of Death...............

I am blessed today despite my present circumstance.   This idea is the one I am choosing to believe, no matter what.  This week's struggles had no power over me and for that I am grateful.  I also determined that death and its effects will have no power over me this month.  I am determined to fight these feelings of grief because I am glad that my parents no longer have to suffer.

Moving past the grief process is not easy yall.  I have to make a conscious decision everyday about how I am going to heal completely from grief and emerge healthy and whole.  For me the best medicine to heal from grief is to discuss my feelings.  I like to discuss what I am feeling, how I am feeling, and what I can do to change or lessen the feelings.  This has been one of the biggest struggles of my life.......but I am determined to win.  At times my head is bloody but yet unbowed.

Be encouraged because God is always faithful and I know his thoughts toward me are to give me a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29).

Day 139

Footprints of Death...............

Super tired from being super busy.  Doing o.k. despite the triple whammy that this month brings.  I just realized that Sunday is Mother's Day.  This is usually a rough day for me because my Mother passed away almost 11 years ago.  Monday marks my Dad's six month anniversary for passing away.  At the end of the month is my Dad's birthday and he would have been 72. I'll need this blog more than ever to see just how well I am really doing.  Have a great night everyone.

Day 138

Footprints of Death...............

This month is a big one for me.  May 10th marks six months since Daddy died.  Wow!  Time did fly.  This is also my Dad's birthday month.  I have a lot to deal with but my challenge this year is to get through it with a positive attitude and to NOT allow myself to dwell on what I lost, but rather be grateful for all I had and currently have.   I can do this with God's help.  With God nothing is impossible. Wherever you are on this journey called life, be encouraged!

Day 137

Footprints of Death...............

Monday was so bananas, I forgot to write.

Day 136

Footprints of Death...............

I must tell you that last week was horrific.  I had challenge after challenge to the point where I was completely discouraged.  I felt myself sinking back into a depression. It is in these times that I miss my parents the most.  When times are rough I am confronted with the fact that my earthly parents are gone but that they left me in the capable hands of the God that said that he would never leave nor forsake me.  To face a horrible week I used a 3 ingredient spiritual recipe. The ingredients were:

1. Prayer
2. Scripture Reading
3. Worship To God

I feel better.  I feel like a new woman!  If any of you are going through anything just know that God is a healer.  He heals the grief from the loss of a loved one, he heals broken spirits, he heals broken bodies, and broken minds.  He is the mender of all things broken.  Have a great day!

Day 135

Footprints of Death...............

I missed writing yesterday for good reason.  I went to a Worship Conference last night that really lifted my spirit.  Talk to ya later.

Day 134

Footprints of Death...............

Life is moving so quickly.  Sometimes I feel like it is moving without me.  It's been five months since Dad passed away and it's still a surreal feeling. 

The acronym that I created about death was D.E.A.T.H  which I termed as Decreasing External Activities That Hinder.  Death gives us enough pause in life to see what is really important.  What's really important is relationship with God, relationship with family, relationship with friends, and relationships in general.  That's what's important.  This is the simple lesson that death has taught me....so in this regard death's footprint was not all bad.

Have a great night!

Day 133

Footprints of Death...............


I am so exhausted it's hard to have any other thoughts.  I'm moving forward even if I am making small snail like movements.  I am looking for a new season when I am free to just laugh and smile because things are great......they will be great, right?  That's what I am hoping for, .....greatness.  


For those experiencing grief, it's alright to take the healing process slow. Some days you will feel great and somedays you will long for the past that you once had with your loved one.  Believe me, I know.


As I write this blog, I am thinking of Psalms 23 which is a great comfort to me these days.  


Have a great night!

Day 132

Footprints of Death...............

I can't believe I missed yesterday. I'll be back today.

Day 131

Footprints of Death...............


Today was a difficult day to say the least.  I had a moment....a big one.  I was met with a dilemma and I would have given anything to obtain the advice of one or both of my parents, but I could not.  The feeling of aloneness hit me like a 2000 ton truck.  I was saddened!  


Just then, I felt God comforting my heart and I had a sense of his love in that instant.  I feel better but the human bond that God allows us to have with our loved ones is an amazing gift.  If you have your loved ones treasure the moments.


Good night!  I'm confident that tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 130

Footprints of Death...............


A beautiful Sunday today (weather wise).  


I felt a little weird today because my family and I are deciding how we are going to celebrate for my Dad's birthday on May 24th, he would have been 72 this year.  This is the first birthday he will not be here for.  Interesting?  Last year, we sang songs while my Dad joined in singing.  


I must say I am still having a hard time adjusting to the fact that my Dad and Mom are gone, but I grapple with filling the void that their loss has created.  Everyday, I pray that God fills that void for me so that I don't find something distracting or harmful to fill the void with myself.  My defense mechanism to combat this issue is to stay close to home and write.  Writing helps me to express my feelings and figure out how I feel about things that I may never make audible.


I'm tired now (low energy).  Have a good night!

Day 129

Footprints of Death...............

Today is a beautiful spring day.  I absolutely love seeing the clear skies and the picturesque mountains.  I appreciate God even more when I see his beautiful creations.  


It's hard for me to believe that it's been six months since my Dad passed away.  Five months ago, I never would have believed that I would be "back to normal" because I was in such shock by the realization that I was parent-less. These days I spend my time going to school, working on projects, and working toward the dreams that I have been deferred.  


I have always heard people say that when something dies in your life something news is born.  I can attest to the fact that this is true.  I lost both of my parents but I gained the sense of knowing that God is my Father and that he is faithful to take care of me.  


Wishing everyone a wonderful and safe Saturday.  Enjoy life because tomorrow is not promised. 

Day 128

Footprints of Death...............


This week was ridiculously long. I am soooo glad that it is over.  I would write more but I am fatigued.  


The feelings of grief are almost a distant memory.  I hope that anyone who is experiencing the loss of a loved one will enjoy a speedy healing process too. 


Remember to laugh, live, and love.




P.S. For tips on my daily life experiences since the loss of my Dad, visit me @ www.journeywithjudith.com.

Day 127

Footprints of Death...............

Feeling well.  Very tired.  I will emote more this weekend. Lol!

Day 126

Footprints of Death...............

I don't have much to say. Today was a good day. No complaints, however, I am tired.  Good night.

Day 125

Footprints of Death...............


Today was a little weird.  The day started out well and I felt like it was going to be an easy day.  Then without warning I was thrown a curve ball.  At first I tried to ignore the issue, then finally I just planted my feet and dealt with the issue.  Have you ever had an issue that you wished would just go away?  Yea, me too and that's how I felt today.


There have been so many deaths around me that I am starting to feel a little numb again.  I feel as if the grief process is my own when I hear of someone else's loss.  I truly give my condolences to all of those who have lost a loved one.   I understand your pain.  The pain of grief is one that only God and time can heal.  


Have a restful night!

Day 124

Footprints of Death...............

I am so glad I made it through today, Monday.  My energy felt low all day for some reason.  I am too tired for further explanation.  Good night.

Day 123

Footprints of Death...............

I was just thinking about how much my feelings have changed since I first created the BAADD (5 stages of grief) acronym in November when I first began to blog.  Back then I was angry, depressed, discouraged, disappointed, and pretty much DONE due the loss of my mom 10 years prior and the loss of my Dad 11/10/2009.  I had no idea how I would go on, in fact, I had no desire to go on.

Today, I am feeling so much much better and God has done a phenomenal healing in my emotions.  I feel excited about the future again and I know that the ones that I lost are somewhere cheering me on.  Some days I sense their (my parents) presence so strongly, some days when I am about to make an important decision, I hear their voices.  I so appreciate the guidance of God and my parents because without it I am not sure where I would be.

For anyone who has just lost a loved one and you are feeling BAADD, please know that these feelings will not last if you can just persevere through them.  I also pray that God gives you peace and allows you to sleep restfully.

Remembering to laugh, live, and love!

Day 122

Footprints of Death...............

I was not feeling well when I awoke this morning. I just felt awful.  Today I had plans to spend time with family  but could not attend because I did not feel well.  As the day progressed I felt much better.

In regard to personal progress, I have been working hard on a personal dream.  I am confident that my idea will be successful.  I think my dream is a much needed idea these days.

In regard to grief I am alright.  I retired the BAADD (5 stages of grief) acronym because I don't feel that way anymore.  I am still taking the healing process one day at a time.

Day 121

Footprints of Death...............

I am sooo tired.  I'm gonna turn in. I'll check back tomorrow.

Day 120

Footprints of Death...............

I am in constant transition.  Today, I was quiet and I have pulled myself away from things and people as I feel the need to do so.  I was motivated to cultivate new friendships and do new things but I suddenly feel the need to retreat and just be still.  I try to listen to my spiritual side whenever I hear it speak.....so I am being still.  I believe that God has my best interest at heart and he will make His Will for my life clear.  Sorry, I don't know where that came from, but I had to say it.

I am taking things one day at a time.  I am learning to trust God for everything.  I must admit that this is a scary place to be because I am so used to doing things for myself and for others.  It is unusual for me to be the recipient of or in need of help myself.  I despise needing help.  This season of rebuilding after grief has helped me to become more comfortable with understanding that it is o.k. to need and be helped.  So many people have been a great emotional support to me during this time.  The "new" me understands that I had to admit that I needed emotional support.  After I accepted that reality, I accepted the help...and I am glad that I did.   I am just grateful for where I am today emotionally.  I had a mental picture of myself today.  When my Dad passed away 5 months ago I felt like a big open wound.  Today, I saw myself as a wound healing nicely with a scar that's nearly closed.  That picture made me happy.

Day 119

Footprints of Death...............


I'll check in quickly.  I have been very busy working on a life-long dream of mine.  I am elated by the opportunity to finally do what I love, but I am saddened by the fact that my neither of my parents are here to see my work.  Bittersweet to say the least.


I wish I could advise everyone to love those around you and do not sweat the small stuff.  Life is short, let's enjoy it!


Good night!

Day 118

Footprints of Death...............

I missed yesterday.  I'll be back later.

Day 117

Footprints of Death...............


Today marks the end of an era for me.   There are things and people that you need to let go of sometimes.  Today I let go of both and I am sure that this transition is for the best.


In terms of grief, I am feeling good today. I am just trying to move into the direction of my destiny.  I know that I will be successful this time. 


See ya later!

Day 116

Footprints of Death...............


Today was a good day.  I had a singing audition.  I think that it went well but we will see.  


I have heard that death is a part of life in theory but dealing with the aftermath of death has taught me that sometimes death comes so that something new can be born.  I just feel like it's a new season for me. I have spent most of my life caring for my parents at different times, now I have the opportunity to live for myself.  Still weird for me but I am getting used to it. 


Until next time, I will continue to laugh, live, and love.

Day 115

Footprints of Death...............


This week was simply amazing as I watched God single-handedly work out a very important situation that I was dealing with.  Thank God!


Like most people these days, I am in constant transition but I am being mindful not to bury my feelings and move so fast that I lose sight of myself.  I am noticing that many people are dealing with so many personal and financial losses that it is getting harder for people to cope.  I do not profess to have all of the answers, but I do know that a relationship with God has helped me immensely while dealing with the lowest and most devastating times of my life. 


In terms of grief, I am not feel the intense feelings of grief too much anymore.  Right now I am experiencing the good memories and the lessons that both of my parents imparted to me before they passed away.  Those thoughts and reminders are very comforting because I know that I was loved by my parents and no matter what, the love that we shared will never change not even in death.  That still amazes me when I conceptualize that thought.


As for the BAADD (5 stages of grief) acronym I am going to retire this today because I think that I have moved past these stages of grief.  I could be wrong and if I am I will resurrect the idea, but for now I have resolved the initial bargaining, acceptance, anger, denial, and depression that is associated with loss.  I am still a work in progress but feeling good about my progress. 

Day 114

Footprints of Death...............

Wow, a very interesting day, so much so I am completely exhausted. I'll check in tomorrow. Good night!

Day 113

Footprints of Death...............

Today was a day of surprises. I was expecting one thing and got another. It was a good thing but it's just weird how I can never predict how things will turn out but somehow they always turn out o.k.

Life is moving pretty swiftly and using this blog to deal with my feelings of grief has been helpful. I no longer feel the intense feeling of despair and loss. Holidays without my parents are a little tough, but I am learning how to manage these days a little better.

In terms of the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process, I think that I am doing pretty well.

Bargaining- Not at all, I know that both of my parents have passed away.

Acceptance- Totally.

Anger- Not at all.

Denial- No, just unbelief at times.

Depression- Doing much better.

Day 112

Footprints of Death...............

Today was so busy I had no time to think of grief. I think at this point I just miss my parents. The days leading up to the holidays are worse than the actual holidays. It seems that holidays in this country are designed to show you what you do not have and how much you are missing. It's kinda of mean to do that to people.

Anyway, I will go through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining- Not at all.

Acceptance- Totally.

Anger- Not at all.

Denial- No, just unbelief.

Depression- Getting better.

Day 111

Footprints of Death...............

I am as tired as tired can be. I missed yesterday as a result of having way too much fun with family on Sunday.

Day 110

Footprints of Death...............

Easter Sunday was so much fun which is why I did not blog yesterday. I spent time with friends and family and I had fun. To most this would not seem like such a big deal, but I have not been very social for the past 5 to 10 years or so. With school, work, a disabled parent, and other sick relatives I got used to not going anywhere and staying close to home. I guess I was bracing for the next set of bad news back then. In many ways I kinda stopped living but I do not intend to do that again ever. Anyway, this was the first Easter without my Daddy so it was nice to be surrounded by loved ones. Life is short so please forgive and love those in your lives. ....that's my renewed goal in life.

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Easter. Easter or Resurrection Day is about Jesus being raised from the dead for our sins. I am glad that Jesus made this sacrifice for me. Have a great day and remember to laugh, love, and live abundantly.

Day 109

Footprints of Death...............

Today was another beautiful day. Life is good despite certain challenges. I hope that everything continues to change for the better.

Anyway, I feel o.k. so there's no reason to go over the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process.

Happy Resurrection Sunday tomorrow!

Day 108

Footprints of Death...............

Today was a great day! I am so amazed by the beauty of the day. I am not sure if I am just noticing the nature scenes that I live around, or if everything is really this beautiful. It's crazy! I am trying to figure out why things are so vividly colorful and alive. Maybe I am noticing everything with fresh eyes because I was TRULY depressed since the passing of my Mommy in 1999 and then I had a heavier episode in 2009 when my Daddy passed, but it seems like for the past 10 years I was living life in a dull fog or haze. I cannot fully explain how I feel but I am simply excited to wake up in the morning. I have always been driven, but this excitement has nothing to do with getting something new or having more money than I can spend in a lifetime (although that would be nice...lol), or driving the latest car. I am just happy for the first time in 10 years for the life that God has given me. Grateful is an inadequate word to explain exactly how I feel.

At any rate, the deep feelings of grief and loss are starting to lessen. Again, another example of God's mercy and grace towards me. I love Jesus! I cannot express how much my relationship with God has helped me through horrific times. Accepting God's son Jesus as my Lord and savior has changed my life. In spite of all my losses, sicknesses, and hardships, I endured all of them because I was in communication with Jesus who kept encouraging me to "HOLD ON."

For anyone reading who feels in their heart of hearts that they are merely sucking in air and existing only to wake up to a new misery the next day, please understand that right now you are not emotionally well. You may be hurting from the death of a loved one. This is the time to fill your spiritual self up. I personally, have found that Jesus fills all voids and heals all wounds. The book of Psalms in the Bible was a great grief comfort for me. I know that He can do the same for you but you have to invite Him in. Tell God exactly how you feel because He hears you and He loves it when we acknowledge and speak to Him. Can you imagine how the people in our lives would feel if we never called them, never told them that we love them, and never ever showed concern or said thank you for the things that they have done and sacrificed for us? Me neither! But yet, we treat the God of the universe in this way. We pay him little attention when he is kind and powerful enough to make the sun to shine by day and the moon by night. He's sooooo amazing!

Well, since tonight is Good Friday I am not going to go through the BAADD process, I will say because Jesus rose on the third day I have hope that I can conquer any circumstance in my life and that includes the deep dark ugly robber called grief. How do I know? Because when Jesus died and rose again he took the keys of death, hell, and the grave from the devil so that you and I could have eternal life and no longer live under the curse of sin. Again, He is truly amazing.