Day 51

Footprints of Death...............

Whew! Today was quite a day. Too eventful to mention the whole thing. I must say that I would rather be busy than idle right now. It's really late right now, but I am determined not to miss days as I want to have an accurate catalog of what I did to see my way past the hardships of grief.

I'm just gonna go right into the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining - Not at all.
Acceptance - Fully.
Anger- Today, yes!!!!! I wished for an easier way to deal with life. Yikes!!!! God is always in control and never falls asleep at the wheel.
Denial- Not at all, just unbelief.
Depression- Fighting my way out!

As always I'm remembering to laugh, live, and love intentionally.

Day 50

Footprints of Death...............

I am so completely exhausted. Today is a bit of a blur as it went by soooooo fast. I have no complaints though.

Now for my BAADD (5 stages of grief) process check-in:

Bargaining- Not at all.

Acceptance -Totally

Anger- No, not today (smiling)

Denial - No, just unbelief that I am without both parents.

Depression- Fighting my way out and determined to win. I did workout today and that seems to really help. I will win!

As always, I am remembering to laugh, live, and love intentionally.

Day 49

Footprints of Death...............

Today was a good day. I felt better than I have in a very long time. Everyday I seem to be getting a little stronger and a little stronger. If you would have asked me how I felt 48 days ago I would have told you that I did not think that I was going to make it. But God delivered me and for that I am soooo grateful. I keep getting blessings that show me that God is mindful of me and even though my parents are not here with me anymore God is here and He taking care of me. Wow (huge smile)!

I was so busy today I barely had time to think about anything, especially not grief. Although, I am busy I intend to continue to monitor my emotions, namely my grief emotion, on Footprints of Death.

Now for the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining - Not at all.

Acceptance- Totally.

Anger- Not today.

Denial - No, just unbelief.

Depression - Fighting my way out and determined to win!!!

As always, I will continue to laugh, live, and love always and intentionally. Good night!

Day 48

Footprints of Death...............

Today was sooooooo busy. I had so many little things to do, whew I'm tired!

The only way that I can get through grief is to continue to live life. I notice that I think about my parents when I need advice about something. I just close my eyes and think about what I think that they would say. Next, I pray, then if it makes sense I move forward.

Today I was a little upset in regard to a personal situation that I am going through. Have you ever had a problem that if handled correctly would not be a problem? Well, that is the kind of situation that I dealt with today, it irritated me because I had little to no control over how to fix the issue. Annoying and mind boggling all at the same time.

Well, in the interest of time, I better get going through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining - Not at all.

Acceptance -Totally.

Anger - Today was a resounding, YES.

Denial - No, just unbelief.

Depression - Fighting my way out!

Day 47

Footprints of Death...............

Today I started the day in prayer and listening to my favorite t.v. Pastor for early morning inspiration. I went out to my car and it did not start. I know car failures happen and they are no big deal, but this small thing irritated me as it altered my plans for the day. Despite my prayer and talking to God it was hard for me to get past this because it felt like a hinderance to my progress. Silly, right? But the feelings were real. I then took my irritation and anger to the treadmill and worked out. Exercise always helps me pipe down (smile).

Anyway, I will run through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process quickly:

Bargaining -Not at all.

Acceptance-Totally accepted my parents death.

Anger- Today, yes, yes, yes!

Denial- No, just unbelief.

Depression- Fighting my way out and determined to win.

Day 46

Footprints of Death...............

Today is Sunday. It was a beautiful day after a long week of much needed rain. I had a difficult midterm today and I managed to do well despite having no help from my Professor. Despite school challenges I am determined to finish my last tier of education to obtain my Ph.D.

I am starting to get used to the idea that my parents are gone. Thoughts of aloneness, despair, and depression are turning to fond thoughts of my parents and gratefulness for the tools and guidance that they left me with to navigate through this maze called life. Also, this blog has become my refuge, because I am able to discuss how I feel about grief and how I still have to move forward in life. This blog has been so helpful to me, much more helpful than I could have ever imagined.

Again, the acronym for d.e.a.t.h. that I created stands for Decreasing External Activities That Hinder. I have done that and my life is mellowing out a lot (smile).

In usual Footprints of Death form, I'm going to go through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process for the day:

Bargaining- Not at all. There is no one to bargain with. God's decision has been made (smile).

Acceptance- Totally accepted the death of my parents.

Anger- Not today, at least no manifestations. The anger I had toward them for leaving me here (earth) is now gone.

Denial- No, just unbelief at times, but I'm excited about the new chapter in my life.

Depression-Continuing to fight my way out and confident that I will win!

So, in my new chapter of life, I intend to laugh, live, and love always and intentionally.

Day 45

Footprints of Death...............

I am in transition in so many ways. My life has been altered by the death of my parents but their ability to finally rest has set me on a course of "freedom." I finally feel free to live my own life. When my parents were alive I never would have moved far away because I wanted to be close as they were both ill for the majority of my life. I hoped that they would be o.k. but I never knew how long they would live. I was always constantly worried about what would happen to them next and how I would need to adjust my finances and life plans in order to accommodate the situation. I have never had children of my own but I have been taking care of my parents in some way since I was a little girl. Psychologist would have called me a "parentified" child, meaning I carried the responsibility of an adult or parent even though I was the child.

Feelings of grief are now moving to feelings of gratitude for the way that I lived my life and for the decisions that I made to always care for my parents in some way. I am blessed to have made it past the immense pressure that I lived under for 36 years. The constant loom of illness and what it did to my family is inexplainable.....but now death has removed the loom of illness and in death my parents have their "well deserved" and "much needed rest."

Lately, I have been thinking about the dreams that I had previously suppressed. I have always wanted to live overseas and now those dreams will be realized. I am not saying where I intend to go, but if I write a blog in another language you may figure out where I landed. Lol!

In terms of the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process, I must check in for the night.

Bargaining- Not at all.

Acceptance - Totally.

Anger- No, not today.

Denial- No, just unbelief.

Depression-Fighting my way out.

Life has meaning and purpose. Evolution in life gives opportunity to a fresh start, a new beginning. Life provides us with moments and we have to live the moments out in the best way that we can. As always, I must remember to laugh, live, and love always and intentionally because tomorrow is not promised.

Day 44- "My First Birthday Without Both Parents"

Footprints of Death...............

I am blessed to have lived to see my birthday today. I just made the big "37". I think that I did well today without my parents being here. I was actually very grateful to both of them today. My Mom had a stroke when she was 7 months pregnant. She was paralyzed on her left side. The doctors told my worried Dad that he should choose which loved one that he wanted to keep. They asked him to decide whether or not he wanted his wife or his daughter. I am told that he boldly proclaimed, "I want both!" January 22, 1973 the landmark abortion case Roe vs. Wade was passed into law, so on my birthday my Dad would have had the legal right to have me aborted based on my prognosis. My Dad called all of his family and church family and everyone began to pray. I was taken by C-Section and I lived in the hospital for a few months because I could not breathe on my own. The doctors gave my parents little hope that I would not be a special needs child. They told my parents that they would have to take care of me for the rest of my life, that I would not live too long, and if I did live I would never do the things that kids do (play, go to school, speak, etc). Today I was grateful because my parents trusted in the God of the universe and the God of the universe decided that I would be here, do well, be an honor roll student, a Dean's List student, a singer, a writer, a helpful and loving daughter, a sister, a grand-daughter, a professional, a song-writer, a photographer, a creator, a comedic personality, and a friend. I am all of these things because God (Jesus) "destined" me to be all of these things and He proved all of the doctors wrong. For this reason alone, I did not feel grief today so there is no need to go through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process. I am blessed, I am whole, and I am glad that I had two wonderful parents.

Day 43

Footprints of Death...............

Still raining in usually sunny California. It's great to have the rain but many people here do not seem to know how to drive, so it's a mess. Lol! Today I awoke, watched my favorite Pastor on t.v., spoke my daily confessions, prayed, worked out, did housework, prepared for a midterm, and now it's 8:21 p.m. Amazing! It's like time is sped up.

Grief seems to be diminishing for me, I mean in terms of the heavy heart and sadness. I am still very affected by sad or mean situations....they make me cry. I am praying for the people of Haiti because I cannot even fathom that kind of devastation, but I cannot watch the events on television, it's just too much for me right now.

I want to go over where I am in the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process in a little more detail tonight. Bargaining, not at all, who would I bargain with at this point? Lol! Acceptance, I have totally accepted the loss of both of my parents. Anger, I did not have a manifestation today but when pushed I can get angry fast, but I am able to control and constrain myself. Depression tries to be a constant, but I fight it with all that I have. Prayer, exercise, God's Spirit, God's Word, and eating right also helps me to combat depression. Denial, not so much, as I am fully aware of my losses but I remain in unbelief.

As always, remember to laugh, live, and love always and intentionally because tomorrow is not promised.

Day 42

Footprints of Death...............

I woke up and watched two of my favorite t.v. Pastors talking about building your faith and taking control of your destiny using the power of your tongue. Both of their topic scriptures were derived from the scripture that says, "The power of life and death is in the power of the tongue." Simply put, the scripture means that a person will reap what he/she speaks. My spirit felt uplifted this morning but initially my body did not get that memo (smiling). I did not feel like dragging myself out of the bed. The rain and the condition of my body caused me to not want to leave the bed. I was exhausted! I got a call from a friend who said to come to my scheduled workout, which I intended to miss today, but I went. I did feel better after the work-out but I did not want to admit it. Lol.

Next, I took care of a few mundane tasks, contacted my school to handle a few administrative issues, handled a small project, and began to prepare for a midterm.

The symptoms of grief did not affect me today. I still feel saddened by the devastation in Haiti, but overall I feel that I am slowly progressing out of my own personal grief state. You know what I love about the words "grief state". The word "state"speaks volumes to me because it means that grief is a period of time that is temporary and not eternal. I like this concept a lot!!!

Now for today's BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining - Not at all.

Acceptance - Totally.

Anger - Not today. No manifestations.

Denial - No, just unbelief.

Depression - Fighting my way out and determined to win!

Day 41

Footprints of Death...............

Today was another rainy day in Southern California. Rain is so beautiful to me!!! I just had a heart of gratitude today. I am so grateful for the path that my life has taken. I absolutely unequivocally love the person that God made me. I value my God, myself, my family, and loved ones. I just have no words for the destiny that God has for my life.

Grief has a wonderful way of peeling back the corrosion around your life. I am confident that when this process is over I will have an awesome life. I mentioned this in an earlier blog, but I believe it really rings true. I think the acronym for d.e.a.t.h. stand for Decreasing External Activities That Hinder. Death, which caused grief, gave me just enough pause to take inventory of my life and decide to continue to pursue my destiny in more precise ways. I am always amazed by revelations like this because they give me hope, when situations seem hopeless.

About the sweets, I have not had a cake, or pie, or cupcake in about 2 weeks. In that time, I have lost 7 pounds. I am headed in the right direction. I am headed in the direction of wholeness (mind, soul, body, spiritually, financially). Being aware of my emotions and grief emotions keeps me in a state of awareness that has me eating to live and not eating to escape from life. I'm proud of me!!!

Now's time for the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process for the day:

Bargaining - Not at all.

Acceptance - Totally.

Anger - Not today, just gratefulness.

Denial - No, just unbelief.

Depression- Fighting my way out and determined to win!!!

It's amazing how two months ago I did not think that I was going to make it after the loss of my Dad, just because I felt like my fight was gone, especially after I spent months fighting the healthcare system, and filing reports against the hospital that neglected my Dad's care, etc. Now, I know that I still have a purpose but the purpose (fight) is for myself.

As always, remember to laugh, live, and love always and intentionally.

Day 40

Footprints of Death...............

I woke up this morning in search of my favorite preacher to listen to for daily inspiration but he was not on. At first I was doubtful that my day would start out o.k. but it turned out nicely. I prayed, read my daily scriptures, and headed to my work-out. My work-out was intense but it felt great afterward.

Today was busy. I had a few projects to take care of and it took longer than I thought. Taking care of those projects put me behind on my school work. I have a midterm this week that I have yet to prepare for. Whew!!!! Anyway, today was another beautifully rainy day.

Grief today did not affect me too much. Lately, I am just experiencing a sensitivity to everything. Really kind and really mean gestures affect me in the same way....I just cry.

Now for the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining - Not at all.

Acceptance - Totally.

Anger - No, well at least no manifestations today.

Denial- No, just unbelief.

Depression - Still fighting my way out, but determined to win!

As always remember to laugh, live, and love always and intentionally.

Day 39

Footprints of Death...............

Today is a beautifully cold and rainy day in Southern California. We do not have a lot of rain in this region, so it is much needed. This morning I went to church and had a great time! God's Word has a way of inspiring me in ways that are sometimes unimaginable. Thanks again Pastor Marlon!

I am extremely busy with school so it's hard to have time for much else. Although I am busy, my grief seems to manifest itself in different ways like when I see something really sad or if someone is really mean for any reason I just start to cry. This is weird for me because I never wear my emotions on my sleeve for reasons dating back to the eighth grade. I think that emotions should be used to help me understand how I feel in a particular moment, I do not think that emotions should be the barometer for making life's decisions; therefore showing this much emotion is very weird.

Although the effects of grief are still looming in my life, I feel as though I am getting stronger. I feel that I am starting to see new things in my life... the kinds of things that only show up after something else (old things, behaviors, etc) has died. God has a great system of losses and rewards. When God allows something to leave my life he has been faithful to replace it with something better. Of course my parents can never be replaced, but what I mean is God provides ways of showing me that I am not alone.

So, here is the BAADD (five stages of grief) process for the day:

Bargaining- Not at all.

Acceptance -Totally

Anger- Not today.

Denial- No, just unbelief.

Depression - Fighting my way out and destined to win!!!

As always, I will and I encourage you, to laugh, live, and love always and intentionally.

Day 38 -Life is Ever-Changing

Footprints of Death...............

Today I started the day with prayer as my heart has been very heavy for the Haitian victims of the earthquake. It's just really hard to witness that kind of pain and feel powerless to do anything about it. I cry for their pain. I feel like their pain is also my pain. My prayers are with them but I think I better stay away from the news because I am not able to handle that kind of pain right now.

I have a challenge with an unfeeling, no personality, rude Professor in school. She is my teacher and I do not want her to be. I don't know how this situation will resolve itself but I pray that the academic department will have answers for me on Tuesday following the MLK Holiday.

I am thinking about how much my life has changed since my Daddy passed away. I am trying to figure out why I am feeling so blah. Why? Why! Why. I just keep asking that question of myself. Not why did he pass, because he suffered for so long I am glad for him to rest. I just feel like the permanent change that death causes is so profound. I have to change the way I think of myself as the daughter of James and Harriet. Now, I think of myself as the daughter of the deceased James and Harriet. Yes, I know that I am still their daughter but having them around to guide or support me is no longer an option. This is a difficult reality for me right now.

Here's the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process for the day:

Bargaining -Not at all

Acceptance - Totally

Anger - Today yes, felt helpless because of the Haitian earthquake victims. Their grief has heightened my sensitivity to my own grief process.

Denial- No, just unbelief

Depression - Fighting my way out!

Our lives are precious and often short, let's be careful how we use them. For those of us in positions to help others, let's do so. Selfishness simply leaves us empty on the inside and in our relationships with others.

Day 37

Footprints of Death...............

Today was rather eventful. It was a really full day. I woke up, prayed, read a scripture, ate breakfast, stretched and prepared for my workout. My workout was good and I felt great afterward. I notice myself losing inches. Yay!

Next, I had quite a few errands to run. I had a few obstacles with school as my instructor was at first refusing to answer my questions. I was very disappointed as her behavior was very unprofessional. Anyway, I am trying to move past it but I am upset. Since my Dad passed away over two months ago when I realize that people are ignoring me or being rude to me I get very upset. I handle myself with dignity, but I always confront my problems because running from them only gives them the opportunity to catch up to me later. Lol!

Now, it's time for the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining - Not at all.

Acceptance - Totally.

Anger - Yes, I had to go there today by email. I was dignified but very direct.

Denial - No, just unbelief.

Depression- Fighting my way out and feeling better with daily exercise and prayer.

As always we must remember to laugh, live, and love always and intentionally because tomorrow is not promised.

Day 36 - "Shaken But Not Destroyed"

Footprints of Death...............

Today was beautiful outside but my heart is heavy by all of the devastation from the 7.0 earthquake that shook the country of Haiti on Tuesday, January 12, 2010. I am so happy that our country has quickly mobilized and gone to their aid. I am grateful that even though Haiti was shaken and devastated, they were not destroyed. I am hopeful that the country of Haiti will emerge and be better off than they were before. It's funny how chaos can become a vehicle to take us to a better place in our lives. Sometimes chaos can also be a vehicle to lead us into a "place of destiny." Believe me, I know when chaos hit my life it never felt like I would ever reach destiny, but God's grace and mercy has a way of making the chaotic load bearable and He caused me to conquer it. Hang in there brothers and sistas of Haiti, you will make it!!!

Also, this week famed singer Teddy Pendergrass passed away from cancer. My deepest condolences go out to all of the families that have lost someone. Although our hearts are heavy and may be for a long time to come, God is always there carrying us through life's darkest moments.

I will run through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process very quickly:

Bargaining -Not at all

Acceptance -Totally

Anger - None

Denial - No, just unbelief

Depression - Fighting my way through it,

I will continue to be in prayer for all those who have lost loved ones. I pray that you all have peace in your minds and souls. Let's continue to laugh, live, and love always and intentionally because tomorrow is not promised.

Day 35

Footprints of Death...............

Today started out very rainy and ended in a beautiful day. I started out the day with prayer and devotion. Then, I went to workout. It was a great workout! I then ran my errands and started to study. I have no complaints about going through my grief process because I am feeling better. I am starting to get busy and I am healing well so I do not feel the intense feelings of loss. I'm glad.

Now, for my daily BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining - Not at all.

Acceptance - Totally.

Anger - None and no manifestations.

Denial - No, just unbelief.

Depression - Fighting my way out.

As always, let's remember to laugh, live, and love always and intentionally.

Day 34- Storybook Day

Today in Los Angeles it was a beautiful 74 degree day with pillowy clouds that gave way to the beautiful blue sky. It really looked like something out of a storybook. Awesome!

I was busy from the time I hit the floor at 6:00 a.m. until now. I woke up, prayed, watched Pastor Creflo Dollar, ate breakfast, stretched, worked out, wrote a paper, checked on my other new blog, made a few important calls, ate lunch, went back to studying...... it was just a busy day. So far I ate very well today, no sweets. I'm doing well.

Today was so busy that no thoughts or feelings of grief emerged. For me this is good and bad. Like I always say in this blog I intend to deal with my grief so that it does not deal with me and manifest in my body in unhealthy ways. All that to say, I'm glad to be busy, but I still need to understand and heal from my grief process.

Ok, now it's time for my daily BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining - Not at all.

Acceptance - Fully.

Anger - None and no manifestations.

Denial - No, just unbelief.

Depression - Fighting my way out and soon to win.

As always, remember to laugh, live, and love always and intentionally.

Day 33 - Metaphoric Sunlight

Today I was feeling very pensive. I was thinking about what I want this decade to look like for me. Like I said before this is the first decade that I can focus on myself and not have to take care of anyone who is sick (my parents). It feels to me like a new adventure. I am looking to the future to decide how I want to be emotionally, spiritually, physically, professionally, and educationally.

Today, I spent most of my thoughts thinking about how I want to be careful how I treat people. I never want to abuse the relationships with others that God has allowed me to have. I want to be honest, accountable, loving, caring, and giving but in a healthy way...not to the point of being taken for granted or used. I want to be the kind of person that God intended me to be. I think that having futuristic thoughts is a good indication that I am leaving grief behind and taking joy in the time that I had with my parents as well as being grateful for the life that God has given me. I'm glad about this new phase (big smile)!

Today, I was very busy taking care of life tasks, dreaming about my future plan, then heavily working out projects again. School is getting tougher so I have been buckling down. A month ago, I had lost my usual drive toward school and I was unsure if I was gonna make it. This was a very unusual place for me to be as I adore learning new things, so school to me is like going to Magic Mountain, Disneyland, and a luxury cruise all at the same time. Lol! I know I'm weird, but oh well, we all have our favorite past-times. Right?

Ok, it's time for me to go over the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process for the day:

Bargaining - Not at all, this would not be useful at this point.

Acceptance -Totally.

Anger - None present today. No thoughts or manifestations. YAY!!

Denial - No, just unbelief.

Depression - Fighting my way out. I will exercise once I finish this blog post.

Because life is short, please remember to laugh, live, and love always and intentionally. I believe that we can only be our best selves if we practice love the way God intended it. Love is patient, love is kind, love does not demand it's own way, love is not selfish, love is faithful, love is loyal, love never harms, love protects, love never lies or breaks promises. Love is all of this and more because God=Love. Most of us erroneously focus only on "finding love" or "feeling love". The problem with this concept is that love is not just an emotional high that you can get.....true love lasts through all seasons. I think that the unconditional love that I felt from my Mommy is what I miss the most. Her love for me never changed. When I was right, she loved me. When I was wrong, she loved me. When I was sick, she stuck by me and loved me. When I was doing well, she loved me. My Mommy taught me that love is STABLE it does not oscillate like a fan. What if we focused on being loving and then allowing love (i.e. relationships) to find us? Maybe the love life we should focus on is the one where we learn how to love God and then allow God to teach us how to correctly love all of the people in our lives and make sure we are loving like God tells us too. This love concept is worth thinking about, right? I would like to thank all of the people who have taken the time to check on me during my time of grief. Even, when I didn't have the strength to answer the phone you all left me warm messages and told me not to give up. That's love and I felt your genuine concern. The love I have experienced has helped me make it to this point.

So, I figure if love is so powerful, it will conquer this ugly monster called grief. Look out grief cause Love is going to abolish you from my life!!!

Goodnight!

Day 32

Footprints of Death...............

Wow! Today is Sunday, January 10, 2010, today marks the 2 month mark of my Daddy's passing. I made it! One month ago when I started this blog, I was feeling completely alone, angry, anxious, bitter, confused, defeated, depressed, disillusioned, and sorrowful. Today, I feel that the door of my heart is open and the sun is shining brightly. I still feel the pain of grief but the hand-clutching grip that it had on me is not there. I praise my God (Jesus Christ) for that! I am confident in the fact that I would NOT have made it through had it not been for my personal relationship with God.

I just got back from church and we had an awesome service. Pastor Marlon preached an encouraging word about understanding how life's problems are merely temporal but God has provided everything that we need to conquer them. Great sermon!

Everyday, I seem to remember something that either my Daddy or Mommy would say about a certain situation. I can always hear them speaking to me and providing direction for me. That's awesome!!! I know that they are resting and based on the way that I saw them both suffer in their bodies, they really deserve this rest. Rest in peace James and Harriet, I love you both!!!

As for the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process, I need to run through it for the day:

Bargaining - No, it would be a useless feat. Lol!

Acceptance- Totally!

Anger - Not today and no manifestations in a few days (big smile).

Denial -No, just unbelief.

Depression - Fighting my way out....and I will win!

I wish everyone a wonderful Sunday and please spend time loving people in an extra special way today.

Day 31

Footprints of Death...............

I missed yesterday because I had nothing to say. Last night I spent time with women praising and worshiping God so thoughts of grief had to bow down to "The Greater One."

This blog is designed to help me heal from grief, when I notice my emotions waning then this blog will be my therapy.

Once I am healed, this blog will be left as an inspiration for others to deal with and conquer their grief. Grief will ultimately be replaced with the love that we have for our loved ones and the memories of them in our hearts.........then we have healed. So, once I reach this stage that I speak of I will be healed. That sounds great, I WILL BE HEALED!

Remember to laugh, live, and love always and intentionally.

Day 30

Footprints of Death..............

I woke up this morning giving praise to God. I just felt glad to have the opportunity to wake up. I was very tired as I was up late studying and tending to other personal projects but once I awoke, my heart was filled with gratefulness. I was extremely grateful!! I began to reminisce about how I was a kid taking care of my disabled parents.I remembered how I went to elementary school, came home, cooked, made sure both my parents took their medicines, washed the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, swept the floor, did my homework, ironed my clothes for the week, cooked for my Uncle that lived with us, and prepared the dinner menu for the next day all while getting "A's" in school. When I look back over my life I have a million memories of God's grace and strength in my life because I am assured that I could have done none of these things without God's help......so for this I am forever grateful.

I missed my work-out this morning and I was a little bummed. My work-out gives me energy and increases my serotonin levels, which improves the symptoms of depression. Unfortunately, the school assignment took way too much out of me and I could not make it.

Today, I feel good about my sugar intake. I only ate natural sugar, no sweet drinks, cookies, or cupcakes. Yay!!! For me this is a day by day process. Some people love to eat steak, potatoes, bread, pasta, etc. These foods don't impress me at all, I would pass all of these foods up to graze on the cookies, cupcakes, and puddings. Sweets are the culprits of my weight gain, so when I avoid them, it's a big deal!

For the past few days, I was hit unexpectedly by a very personal situation. A situation that I committed 150% of my time and energy to. It was a project that I hoped would succeed, but it appears that the other individuals involved with me in this project don't share my commitment. What do you do when you are working on a project and the people that you are working with are not hard workers, they give up easily, they are unmotivated, and indecisive? I was unsure but now I think I've figured out what I need to do. Any suggestions (semi-confused smile)???

Today grief took a back seat to gratefulness and for that I am glad. Despite my apparent breakthrough I will still run through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process. Here I go:

Bargaining - Not at all cause it's a little late for that. :)

Acceptance -Totally

Anger -Not today, no manifestations. :) :) :)

Denial - No, just unbelief.

Depression - Fighting my way out and I will win!

As always it is my goal to live, laugh, and love always and intentionally. Love conquers all, so love conquers grief.

Day 29

Footprints of Death...............

Today was such a busy day, that I almost forgot to check in with myself in regard to the grief process. Today I started the day off right with prayer and scripture reading. I remembered a scripture that my Mommy used to always say, "I will bless the Lord at all times His praises shall continually be in my mouth." Now I understand why she taught me to hold on to scriptures like this because she was teaching me that despite my problems or trials to keep praising God and He will see me through. Boy was she ever right!!!!

Overall today I felt o.k. but I never got a real charge for the day because I did not have time to exercise. Oh well, I'll make it up tomorrow.

I have to remind myself why I am writing in this blog everyday. I am blogging because I want to deal with my grief so that my grief does not deal with me by manifesting itself in my body and mind and making me ill. So, here's the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process for the day.

Bargaining- Not at all

Acceptance - Fully accepted.

Anger - Yes!

Denial - Not at all, just unbelief that my parents are gone.

Depression -Fighting my way out.

Because life is short, remember to laugh, live, and love intentionally and always. I thank God for letting me see another day......that's the amazing part of life to me because when I awake I receive a new mercy everyday.

Day 28

Footprints of Death...............

Today started off right. I spent time in prayer, then I made my daily confessions. Daily confessions are Bible based affirmations that say, "I win!" Next, I went to work-out and I felt great afterward. It really hurt, but it is always worth every painful moment after it is over. I must say that prayer and exercising always gives me such mental clarity. Thank God! So, in my dealing with grief the two most important things to do in order to heal and recover from grief are to: a) pray or meditate b) exercise.

This afternoon I studied for several hours and watched an educational video describing how epidemiologist study disease within populations. I know, fun stuff right? Lol! Anyway, after doing that I took care of a few more errands. All in all I felt emotionally calm today.

Now it's time for the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process for the day:

Bargaining -No, it would make no sense. Lol!

Acceptance -Totally.

Anger - Not today.

Denial - No, just unbelief.

Depression - Fighting my way out.....

In closing, remember to laugh, live, and love always and intentionally. Oh yea, it is my goal to remember that love is a VERB (action word), not just something to say. Since love conquers all, then love can conquer grief. If you know someone who has lost a loved one, show them love as acts of love when a person is feeling low helps them to forget their pain.

Day 27

Footprints of Death...............

When I woke up this morning I was bombarded by all of the things that I had to do today, but I was having trouble finding the strength to do it. I completed some of the tasks, but not to my usual standard, and not with my usual speed. I feel weird! I feel the absence of my parents and in a lot of ways that really makes me sad. It's weird because one moment I feel alive and full of possibilities like my usual self, then in the next moment I just wanna go somewhere and be completely alone and just sleep. Once I noticed that today was starting out as "that kind of day" I decided to spend time listening and being open to God. I read the Bible and as usual he gave me solace.

Despite how these deep sad feelings come and go I am determined to fight my way through this season of loss. I am determined to be better than I have been in my life. I am determined to live my life to the absolute fullest. It is this hope that gives me the strength to walk through the valley of the shadow of death and fear no evil.

I got a call that a long time friend who was only in his mid 40's just passed away, leaving behind a child and his wife. My condolences to the Lawrence Family.

If I were to give advice to the family and friends of those who have lost loved ones, I would suggest that you call the person experiencing loss and ask them how they are doing really and how they feel. Let that person talk until they are done. We have no idea how impacting genuine human connection can be at a time like this. I would like to say thanks to the people who have not turned their backs on me during this difficult time for me. I am never the one to show or even rely on my feelings so actually experiencing this loss is definitely growth for me. I do understand that it is hard for people to deal with other people's pain, but I wish we could all do better in this area. I always say, "If you are my friend, I don't really need you when times are good, but when life "happens" to me I do expect my friends to step up." If my friends do not step up when I need them, I clearly accept that they are not my friends, and I thank this experience for showing me the truth.

What is love? According to I Corinthians 13:4-8 in the Bible:

"Love suffers long, and is kind; love envies not: love vaunts not itself and is not puffed up." Love does not behave itself unseemly, seeks not her own way, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil; Rejoices not in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; Bears all things, hopes all things, believes all things, endures all things. Love never fails..."

I must admit I have not conquered all the Biblical elements of truly loving, but I surely will have fun trying to. I would like to love people purely so that when they leave my presence, they leave feeling better about themselves, cause that's what love does. I used to love this song by Christian rock group DC Talk. The name of the song I loved is, "Love is a Verb." I truly believe that if we are not doing things that require "love in action" then maybe we really aren't loving. I know I am going to do better. Anybody else with me? If love conquers all, then I know love will defeat grief.

BAADD (5 stages of grief) process for today: Here's how I am doing today.

Bargaining - Not at all.

Acceptance -Fully.

Anger -Sometimes, but no manifestations in front of others.

Denial -No, just unbelief.

Depression - A rough day. Working through it and determined to win!

Because life is so short, please remember to laugh, live, and love always and intentionally.

Day 26

Footprints of Death...............

Today was so busy I barely had time to think of anything. I worked out this morning and it was very nice. It really helps me to clear my mind and put things in prospective.

I am putting a lot of energy into building my faith. I feel like building my spirit is essential in order to make it through the grief process successfully. I hope that other fellow grievers would join me in this effort.

Now it's time to go through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process for the day:

Bargaining- Not at all.

Acceptance - Totally accepted.

Anger - Not to much today, no manifestations.

Denial - No, just unbelief.

Depression - Continuing to fight my way out.

Remember to laugh, live, and love always ( big smile).

Day 25

Footprints of Death...............

I am so glad that I made the deadline of blogging today. When I say deadline, I simply mean the one imposed by myself (smile). I want to make sure that I blog daily and not ignore my grief process. I am afraid that if I skip a day I will skip a day in my healing process. This may seem extreme but I am serious about walking through this process with complete recovery.

Today was another beautiful day here in Los Angeles. It was a breathtaking day that was about 72 degrees. I felt a little out of sync despite the beautiful day, but I am not sure what to attribute it to. I feel a little disconnected from life. I am not feeling like putting myself into social settings because I really don't want to be asked "the question". You know the question I am talking about right? Lol! The one where I am asked how I am doing. These days I would love to say, "I am going to tell you that I am o.k. because I know that is what you want to hear, but for the real truth please read my blog." Would that be too much? I know it's too abrupt but it would surely be liberating for me (big smile).

Anyway, I have been doing a lot of organizing today so I am a little tired. I want to get right into the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process for today.

Bargaining - N/A

Acceptance - Totally.

Anger - Not too much. Definitely no manifestations.

Denial - No, just unbelief.

Depression - Fighting my way out!

Remember to laugh, live, and love always.

Day 24

Footprints of Death...............

Today was so amazingly beautiful I almost could not believe it. The temperature was perfect, the sky was clear, the mountains looked wonderful. Wow! The peacefulness of the day really put me in a peaceful and quite pensive state. Today I thought about my goals for the year, the timeframes that the goals should take, etc. I feel almost like my usual self. The only thing is, right now, I am trying to regain the immense drive and determination that I usually have to complete my goals. ...but I am continuing to fight my way back.

On the subject of sweets, I did not adhere to my own declaration to eliminate sweet treats today. Today, while visiting family I had piece of homeade all butter pound cake. Oh Lawd, help me!!! It was so tasty. Lol! Seriously, though, this won't be happening often in 2010 and I am adamant about that.

I think that I am doing well in terms of monitoring myself in regard to the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process. I notice that I am starting to recover because I have made myself aware of my grief process. Does anyone out there agree or disagree? Ok, here's the daily check-in.

Bargaining - Not at all.

Acceptance - Fully accepted the loss of both my parents.

Anger -Today yes, but I controlled the manifestations.

Denial -Not so much, just unbelief.

Depression - Fighting my way out!

Remember to laugh, live, and love intentionally and always.

Day 23

Footprints of Death...............

Today is the first day of the year. I fully welcome 2010 and all of the good things that this new year will bring. I feel like this new year will bring many new opportunities.

Today, I spent time with family and friends. I ate some great gumbo. Super yummy!

I am taking every day since the death of my parents in stride. I am still "living" my life. In fact, I am proud of me. When my Mom passed away in 1999 it was as if I hibernated like a bear for about 5 years. Lol! I do not remember the details of those years at all. Experience is definitely the best teacher, because my Daddy's recent loss has had a profound impact on me but I am still able to enjoy the simple things in life. Today was a beautiful 72 degree day and I just looked out on the mountains and marveled at the beautiful land that I live in. Wow! Death makes you very reflective. I don't know how other people feel but I am much more appreciative for everything. When people do kind things for me for no reason, I am just overcome with emotion. I hope this "new me" lasts after I am done with grieving because I feel more alive. Imagine that? Footprints of death have made me feel more alive. I think that is God's goodness at work (smile).

Ok, it is time to go over the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process.

Bargaining-Not at all.

Acceptance -Totally.

Anger -No manifestations.

Denial - No, just unbelief.

Depression -Fighting my way out.

Remember to laugh, live, and love intentionally.