When I woke up this morning I was bombarded by all of the things that I had to do today, but I was having trouble finding the strength to do it. I completed some of the tasks, but not to my usual standard, and not with my usual speed. I feel weird! I feel the absence of my parents and in a lot of ways that really makes me sad. It's weird because one moment I feel alive and full of possibilities like my usual self, then in the next moment I just wanna go somewhere and be completely alone and just sleep. Once I noticed that today was starting out as "that kind of day" I decided to spend time listening and being open to God. I read the Bible and as usual he gave me solace.
Despite how these deep sad feelings come and go I am determined to fight my way through this season of loss. I am determined to be better than I have been in my life. I am determined to live my life to the absolute fullest. It is this hope that gives me the strength to walk through the valley of the shadow of death and fear no evil.
I got a call that a long time friend who was only in his mid 40's just passed away, leaving behind a child and his wife. My condolences to the Lawrence Family.
If I were to give advice to the family and friends of those who have lost loved ones, I would suggest that you call the person experiencing loss and ask them how they are doing really and how they feel. Let that person talk until they are done. We have no idea how impacting genuine human connection can be at a time like this. I would like to say thanks to the people who have not turned their backs on me during this difficult time for me. I am never the one to show or even rely on my feelings so actually experiencing this loss is definitely growth for me. I do understand that it is hard for people to deal with other people's pain, but I wish we could all do better in this area. I always say, "If you are my friend, I don't really need you when times are good, but when life "happens" to me I do expect my friends to step up." If my friends do not step up when I need them, I clearly accept that they are not my friends, and I thank this experience for showing me the truth.
What is love? According to I Corinthians 13:4-8 in the Bible:
"Love suffers long, and is kind; love envies not: love vaunts not itself and is not puffed up." Love does not behave itself unseemly, seeks not her own way, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil; Rejoices not in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; Bears all things, hopes all things, believes all things, endures all things. Love never fails..."
I must admit I have not conquered all the Biblical elements of truly loving, but I surely will have fun trying to. I would like to love people purely so that when they leave my presence, they leave feeling better about themselves, cause that's what love does. I used to love this song by Christian rock group DC Talk. The name of the song I loved is, "Love is a Verb." I truly believe that if we are not doing things that require "love in action" then maybe we really aren't loving. I know I am going to do better. Anybody else with me? If love conquers all, then I know love will defeat grief.
BAADD (5 stages of grief) process for today: Here's how I am doing today.
Bargaining - Not at all.
Acceptance -Fully.
Anger -Sometimes, but no manifestations in front of others.
Denial -No, just unbelief.
Depression - A rough day. Working through it and determined to win!
Because life is so short, please remember to laugh, live, and love always and intentionally.
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