Today I was feeling very pensive. I was thinking about what I want this decade to look like for me. Like I said before this is the first decade that I can focus on myself and not have to take care of anyone who is sick (my parents). It feels to me like a new adventure. I am looking to the future to decide how I want to be emotionally, spiritually, physically, professionally, and educationally.
Today, I spent most of my thoughts thinking about how I want to be careful how I treat people. I never want to abuse the relationships with others that God has allowed me to have. I want to be honest, accountable, loving, caring, and giving but in a healthy way...not to the point of being taken for granted or used. I want to be the kind of person that God intended me to be. I think that having futuristic thoughts is a good indication that I am leaving grief behind and taking joy in the time that I had with my parents as well as being grateful for the life that God has given me. I'm glad about this new phase (big smile)!
Today, I was very busy taking care of life tasks, dreaming about my future plan, then heavily working out projects again. School is getting tougher so I have been buckling down. A month ago, I had lost my usual drive toward school and I was unsure if I was gonna make it. This was a very unusual place for me to be as I adore learning new things, so school to me is like going to Magic Mountain, Disneyland, and a luxury cruise all at the same time. Lol! I know I'm weird, but oh well, we all have our favorite past-times. Right?
Ok, it's time for me to go over the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process for the day:
Bargaining - Not at all, this would not be useful at this point.
Acceptance -Totally.
Anger - None present today. No thoughts or manifestations. YAY!!
Denial - No, just unbelief.
Depression - Fighting my way out. I will exercise once I finish this blog post.
Because life is short, please remember to laugh, live, and love always and intentionally. I believe that we can only be our best selves if we practice love the way God intended it. Love is patient, love is kind, love does not demand it's own way, love is not selfish, love is faithful, love is loyal, love never harms, love protects, love never lies or breaks promises. Love is all of this and more because God=Love. Most of us erroneously focus only on "finding love" or "feeling love". The problem with this concept is that love is not just an emotional high that you can get.....true love lasts through all seasons. I think that the unconditional love that I felt from my Mommy is what I miss the most. Her love for me never changed. When I was right, she loved me. When I was wrong, she loved me. When I was sick, she stuck by me and loved me. When I was doing well, she loved me. My Mommy taught me that love is STABLE it does not oscillate like a fan. What if we focused on being loving and then allowing love (i.e. relationships) to find us? Maybe the love life we should focus on is the one where we learn how to love God and then allow God to teach us how to correctly love all of the people in our lives and make sure we are loving like God tells us too. This love concept is worth thinking about, right? I would like to thank all of the people who have taken the time to check on me during my time of grief. Even, when I didn't have the strength to answer the phone you all left me warm messages and told me not to give up. That's love and I felt your genuine concern. The love I have experienced has helped me make it to this point.
So, I figure if love is so powerful, it will conquer this ugly monster called grief. Look out grief cause Love is going to abolish you from my life!!!
Goodnight!
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