Footprints of Death...............
Today was interesting. It felt like I had my head in the clouds today. It's a struggle to keep up this blog because I am fighting the "intense" feeling to go numb and just go through the day doing the usual mundane tasks that need to be done.
I remember this exact feeling after I lost my Mommy in October 1999. When she passed I worked, I tried to immediately enroll in school, I went to church (joined a new church), and did all the tasks that were expected of me, but I did them all in AUTOMATIC. I was numb, I was emotionless but no one, not even my closest friends, seemed to notice. That experience taught me that we all have our "stuff" that we face and we are so busy dealing with our own stuff that we sometimes do not take the time to notice or care for someone else. I really don't ever want to be that kind of person! My mission in life is to help as many people as I possible can by being transparent about the events of my life, in hopes that others can avoid some of the pitfalls that I faced. Sorry, I went off on a tangent, back to 1999. After my Mom passed in 1999 I did everything and I do mean everything in automatic for about 4 or 5 years. I had no idea that time had passed me by in that way. The only reason I started to realize how fast time had passed, was when I noticed my little cousins growing at what seemed to be an alarmingly fast rate. Lol! That's how out of it I really was, and again, no one knew.
Turning Point:
My turning point came when I went to the "new church" that I had joined called "Faithful Central Bible Church (FCBC) in Los Angeles. I had never gone to a church that large in my life and I found it very intimidating. Over time, I came to enjoy seeing thousands of people together in one place giving thanks and praise to God. It was quite an experience.
Anyway, in a service, Bishop Ulmer, the Senior Pastor, preached a sermon about Ruth and Naomi from the book of Ruth in the Bible. In fact, I think it was a series on the Book of Ruth but don't quote me. Anyway, in the story, Naomi was the matriarch of the story and her daughter-in-law was Ruth. Naomi lost her husband and her two sons in death. Both Ruth and Naomi were now widowers. Naomi had no immediate living family, but she had a daughter-in-law named Ruth who refused to leave her alone. Bishop Ulmer stopped and interpreted the following scriptures:
Ruth 1:20 when Naomi said this about God, "Do not call me Naomi (pleasant), call me Mara (sorrow), for the almighty has dealt very bitterly with me."
Ruth 1:21 what Naomi told the people in the new city she moved to, "I went out full, and the Lord has brought me home again empty. Why do you call me Naomi ( pleasant), since the Lord has testified against me, and the Almighty has afflicted me?"
Bishop Ulmer proceeded to teach the meaning of Naomi's given name, which meant pleasant. Then, he also explained the meaning of the name that Naomi gave herself, Mara, which meant sorrow. He said that Naomi was in grief, depressed, and in fact "angry with God" for taking away all of the people that she loved. He said, even in Naomi's anger, she still loved and respected God and saw him as sovereign, even though she was mad at God.
At that moment, a light bulb filled my soul and I knew why I was numb to family, friends, work, and everything else. I too was mad at God for taking away my Mommy. I was raised in the "church" environment my whole entire life. My Dad was a minister and my Mommy was a church missionary. To say or even allude to the fact that you were or could ever be mad at God was an absolute abomination!!!! But here it was in the Bible, a real person, who felt exactly the way that I felt. I was mad at God!!! Yes, I was mad at God, but yet I still loved and respected him with my entire being. I always know that He has my best interest at hand in all things......but I was so happy to hear someone speak to the "condition of my soul" at that moment. After that service, I asked God to help me forgive Him (God) for taking away my Mommy and I asked God to forgive me for harboring bad feelings against Him (God). Instantly, the sun in my soul was shining again.
Although, I have never had the chance to tell you to your face, thanks Bishop Ulmer!!!! God used you to save my life!!!! Even as I recant this story again, I truly think that God is using you again to help me see my way clear from the recent death of my Daddy. Bishop Ulmer, now I think I owe you twice (smiling)!!!
Wow!
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