Day 22

Footprints of Death...............

Today is the last day of 2009. I am so glad to waive this year goodbye. I was thinking about how tomorrow will mark the beginning of the next decade. Wow! Interesting thought. I was remembering when my Mom passed away it was October 30, 1999. From the point of her death, my Dad immediately got sicker until he passed on November 10, 2009. While reminiscing just now, I realized that for the first time I can face the next decade just thinking about my own life and what direction I need to take. Amazing. If I had my life to live all over again, I would not change a thing because making sacrifices for both my parents was truly my pleasure (big exhale). So, even though I am excited by the future I am still saddened by my losses and the uncertainty that loss brings.

I wish everyone a great 2010. I hope that all of us Grievers find the strength that we need to heal properly. I hope that once we are all healed from grief that we are able to go out into the world and help others who are hurting. It's o.k. for me to have my dreams, right? Lol!

Now for the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process. Let me check in.

Bargaining - Not at all.

Acceptance - Fully accepted my losses.

Anger - Not too much. No manifestations.

Denial - None, just unbelief.

Depression - Fighting my way out.

Please be careful tonight and drive safely and be aware of possible drunk drivers. I was in a car accident and I was hit by a drunk driver, thank God it was not fatal.

Remember to laugh, live, and love always because we never know what tomorrow holds.

Day 21

Footprints of Death...............

My condolences to gospel singer Tonex and his family for the recent loss of his Mom. As we all know death is something that we cannot control and even though we know that it can happen at any time, it's amazing how we are never ready for it. My condolences also to the Phillips Family for their loss.

Today was an interesting day. It was rainy and very cold. I felt like the future is going to be better than the pain of yesterday. I haven't had this kind of feeling in a long time. Nice!

Like I always say, we all have vices that we have the potential of turning to if we do not deal with our grief. My vices are "sweets". The really bad part is that I bake very well. Lol! I can bake anything just like my grandma used to do. In a lot of ways baking makes me happy because it reminds me of the times when my grandma and mother were alive. I remember how all of the women would gather in the kitchen and the older women would bond and share life stories about their husbands, their lives, and children. Anyway, although I have good memories about how sweets were used in my house, they are not good for me in abundance. Today, I had a few gummy bears and a bite of cake. I did not work out but I intend to do it tomorrow.

I have a question, is anyone else going through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process with me? If so, let me know and let me know where you are in your process. Hearing from other people who understand loss is very encouraging. Let's encourage one another!

Bargaining - I'm past this stage.

Acceptance -I think so.

Anger -No manifestations. I think I'm o.k. today.

Denial - Not denial but definitely unbelief.

Depression - still fighting my way out.

Remember to laugh, live, and love always.

Blog Comments

Footprints of Death...............

Hi Everyone:

It was brought to my attention that you all were unable to leave comments. I believe that I have fixed the problem. Please feel free to leave a comment. If you do not have a google email account you can choose the anonymous profile under comments, leave your comment and your first name if you like, then press post comment.

Thanks for reading the blog and I hope that it is helping you as much as it is helping me.

Remember to laugh, live, and love always.

Day 20 P.S.

Footprints of Death...............

I almost forgot to mention. I had no sweets today and I really did not want any. Yippee!!!

Day 20

Footprints of Death...............

Today I was thinking about the things that have happened to me this past week. It has been so weird. I have met several people who are dealing with the recent losses of loved ones. Each of the people said that they have NOT fully grieved the loss of loved one as they are trying to: continue with the activities of life, because they are busy, or because they don't want the people closest to them to know that they are in pain. Amazing. It's amazing how we can hide "grief" and the people closest to us never really know. What does that really say about the people around us? I guess it just says that the people closest to us either don't know how to handle such a serious topic or they are too busy with their own lives to notice. At any rate, this is truly something to ponder.

I hope that I keep dealing with my grief and I encourage everyone who has put off the grief process to come along with me and deal with the feelings that grief causes us to experience. Again, why am I doing this blog? I am doing this blog because I WILL NOT allow grief to deal with me by manifesting itself in other ugly ways (i.e. weight gain, anger, depression,etc). I will deal with grief in a daily and intentional way......AND I WILL WIN!!! How about you (smile)?

As for me, I spent time with a friend today. It was fun! We met today to clean out old things and prepare for new things. I wish him well!!!

Ok, it's time to run through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process. Here's where I am today.

Bargaining - Not at all.

Acceptance -Totally.

Anger - Not so much...at least no manifestations.

Denial - No, just unbelief that both my parents are gone.

Depression - Fighting my way out!!!!

Remember to laugh, live, and love always.

Day 19

Footprints of Death...............

Today was a better day. I felt some sort of relief. Yesterday, I met with wonderful ladies and we had a very powerful but unexpected conversation about grief. It was great! I explained my feelings to them in regard to the grief I am experiencing over the loss of both of my parents. I told them that for a minute I was not sure if I would make it, as an overwhelming sense of fear and aloneness (my own word, smile) tried to overtake me. I explained to them that I had gotten to the point where I was determined that these feelings of fear would NOT overtake me so I started to pray and quote scriptures from the Bible over myself...and within a few days those intense feelings disappeared.

Like everyone else, I still have to do my daily activities. Daily activities at this point, are just being done in an automatic state because I am taking the time to monitor my emotions so that I can move through this season of grief in a healthy way.

About the sweets, today I had a piece of pie, but no other sweets. I also went to the gym for 40 minutes so I am fine. I just wanted to be honest with myself as I DO NOT want to substitute eating sweets for actually dealing with grief. As I always say, if I don't deal with my grief, I am sure that it will deal with me. I refuse to let feelings of grief manifest in any other ways in my life or make me sick with arthritis or any other disease. NO WAY!!!!

Ok, it's that time again. Time to check in on where I am in the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process.

Bargaining - Not at all the deaths are done. God doesn't make mistakes. Lol!

Acceptance - Totally

Anger - No manifestations, I think I am much better.

Denial - I am not in denial..just very much in unbelief.

Depression - Fighting my way out.......

Remember to laugh, live, and love always.

Day 18 -Breathing

Footprints of Death...............

Today was a very good day. I spent time with a community of sisters and we talked about grief, life, God, and our personal struggles. After talking with other sisters in community I feel like I can breathe again. Thanks Ladies!!!

I believe that the time that I spent with these wonderful ladies today was God's way of showing me that He cares about me and I am not alone. I must admit siting down and talking about grief and how it personally affected each of us was very cathartic. It's so important to be able to talk about grief with people who understand what you are going through. If grief is not something that you have experienced you may not understand the importance of this. I suggest that all my readers who are experiencing grief, find a grief group where you can bear your soul about your grief experience and share how God is helping to see you through the daily struggle of dealing with grief vs. living life.

Sweets Update:

Today, I had 1 chocolate candy, a small candy cane piece, and piece of pie. Not too bad for a recovering "sweet" addict. I am sharing with you all that I did not meet my goal of having no sweets today. I hope to do better tomorrow especially after such a good day today. Today, I don't think I ate sweets because I craved sugar, I ate it just out of habit. I think this is a good distinction for me because I did not use the sugar to mask my grief.

Ok, now on to the BAADD (5 Stages of Grief) process checklist. Let's see how I am doing today:

Bargaining - Not at all.

Acceptance - Totally accepted.

Anger - No manifestations but I have withdrawn myself from others.

Denial - Not so much.

Depression - Fighting everyday......but I will win!!

Despite what life throws at us we still have to laugh, live, and love anyway.

Day 17

Footprints of Death...............

I must say that I absolutely love this season! It's the season in which I was born and I love it! Christmas is a wonderful time of the year for me to reflect on the birth of Jesus and thank him for his sacrifice to me. I also become more grateful around this time of the year too.

Christmas day was not as unbearable as I thought that it would be emotionally. In fact, I think that I only cried once when I had a memory of when my parents were alive and I remembered all of the hustle and bustle that would be going on in the house. Great times (big smile)! After a short stint of tears, I felt o.k. again. Grief is a weird experience, sometimes you can be fine and in a few short moments you can be crying uncontrollably. I never know what may trigger my emotions. Lately, I have been in a pool of my own tears when I hear certain songs, smell certain aromas, or hear certain phrases. Amazing!!! Anyway, I think that my personal grief process may be stronger right now due to all of the horrible things that other people are going through (i.e. job loss, terminal illness, unexpected deaths). My heart and prayers always go out to people that are hurting, in fact I wish I could help in really big, really practical ways.

In terms of the "sweets" issue I did have sweets yesterday and on Christmas eve as I was with family. I was aware of what I ate and I fully intend to get back on the straight and narrow by Sunday. I always like to be honest about where I am "right now" in life so that I do not inhibit my own future. Funny story: I had a person in my life that was close to me when I was growing up. This person always tried to give everyone advice about what they should do as a career, how to make more money, how to find a relationship etc. The funny thing is, when I looked at this person's life I realized they had no money, had never done anything to speak of themselves, and had very few good relationships. So, at about 16 yrs old, I decided that I would never listen to people that did not have evidence of their own advice in their own lives. Lol!

Lastly, it's time for the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process check-in:

Bargaining- Not at all.
Acceptance- Totally accepted my parents death.
Anger- No manifestations, no short fuse.
Denial- Not denial, just a little unbelief that they are really gone.
Depression-Working on it everyday.

If any of my readers would like to comment on any of the blogs, please feel free to comment at the bottom of the blog where it says "comments". I would enjoy it!


Please remember to laugh, live, and love often. Talk to ya soon!

Day 16

Footprints of Death...............

Merry Christmas! Happy Birthday Jesus. I wish for health and wholeness for the world.

Day 15

Footprints of Death...............

It's amazing how spending time with God and family can help you forget your troubles. I had a great time with family tonight. We played games, sang Christmas carols, ate, and had great fun. I love my family. Merry Christmas everyone!!!

Day 14

Footprints of Death...............

I want everyone to have a safe and Merry Christmas! No matter what, try to enjoy the family that you have and if you do not have family then find friends that love you and spend time with them. Tell the people in your life that you love them because we never know when it could be our last time to tell them.

Today was a good day. As I stated in previous blogs I like sweets (i.e. cookies, cupcakes, etc). In the past when life was rough I ate "sweets" because in my mind I was making my life a little sweeter by eating the sweets. Needless to say, my self medicating with "sweets" did not heal my emotional issue of wanting to make life sweeter. In fact, in the long run, the sweets just made me gain weight and almost made me diabetic. Thank God I changed my ways about a year in half ago......but then the death of my Dad came along and I must confess I had a relapse. I was driving to the best bakeries in town to find beautiful sweet treats. I realized that I was hurting myself so three days ago I made a decision to stop eating the sweets again. I prayed and asked God to help me see that life is sweet just because I have life. I also asked God to heal whatever emotional void that I was trying to fill by eating the sweets. I said all of that to say, I have NOT had super sweet cupcakes, cookies, etc in 3 days and I have lost 3 lbs. Amazing!!! Like the process of grief I am taking my "no sweets" stance day by day. Also, like dealing with the process of grief, I have to consciously pay attention to what I am eating (sweet wise) and why I am eating it, then ask God for his supernatural help to abstain from sweets. I think that we all have people or things that we run to when things go wrong in life, the problem is, we usually turn to things that are NOT good for us (i.e. alcohol, drugs, food, sex). As for me I have chosen to treat my temple with respect and trust God to help me keep it healthy.

As for the 5 Stages of Grief (BAADD) process, I am in the same place as I was yesterday. Ok, by now, you know how we do it (smile)!

Bargaining - Not at all, you can only bargain for something that you can attain.

Acceptance - Totally

Anger - No manifestations like last week, so that's good.

Denial - Not so much

Depression - Coming out by faith!

Because life is precious, please remember to laugh, live, and love often.

Day 13

Footprints of Death...............

Today, I had a lot of loose ends to tie up. I am also turning my thoughts to the "reason for the season", but I cannot ignore the footprints of death that have taken two talented women in the past week. Actresses Alaina Reed Hall, who played Rose on the hit show "227" and Brittany Murphy a very young and talented actress. My condolences to both of their families as I understand your loss during this holiday season.

As I exhale deeply, I am not in the mood to monitor where I am within the 5 Stages of Grief (BAADD) process....but that is the reason for the blog to deal with grief "head-on" and not ignore it, as doing so could manifest badly in other ways like: eating sweets excessively, being angry, etc (whatever your personal vice may be). Alright, I will go through the steps but I am not really into it today as I am grateful that Jesus was born during this time for my redemption. Here we go:

Bargaining - Not at all

Acceptance - 100% out of the woods

Anger - No manifestations today, felt calm.

Denial - Not really, it just seems surreal that both my parents are gone from earth.

Depression - Working on it.

I have gotten some responses about my blog on Facebook. I think some people have the wrong impression about why this blog exists. This blog is a God-inspired idea. It is not meant to make people more afraid of death or to concentrate on death too much. This blog is for hurting people, life myself, who have suffered loss that their heart and soul has not had the opportunity to speak of or understand fully. Although, we may not understand the reason or timing for the loss of our loved ones, we can: remember our loved ones, remember our feelings about our loved ones, love the people in our lives more, and develop or improve our spiritual lives in order to gain the strength to get through the difficult and taboo topic of "grief". How do we do all of this? By talking about how we feel right now (loud yell)!!!! The pain I feel right now will not last forever, but I have to walk out my own process and so do you (calmly smiling). The pain of grief lessens with time as I experienced this myself after the loss of my Mommy.I hope this helps to clear up any misconceptions about the reason for this blog. Have a great night (smiling)!

Continue to laugh, live, and love often.

Day 12

Footprints of Death...............

Today is good. I just cry a lot. To my knowledge, I feel o.k. but I am affected emotionally....so in my effort to be true to experiencing the grief process, I am not shutting the water-works off (smile). Even though I am experiencing my feelings, this is not my usual stance.

I need to check in with myself in regard to the 5 Stages of Grief (BAADD):

Bargaining-Not at all

Anger- Subsiding

Acceptance -Totally

Denial - Not at all

Depression - In progress. Lol.

Day 11 -God's Day

Footprints of Death...............

Today, I will not focus on the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process. I do feel o.k. because today is the day I have an opportunity to praise God with other believers for all that He (God) has done.

For anyone who has suffered a loss and may not be feeling well, please take the time to re-discover your spirituality if you have stepped away from it. If you have a spiritual life then join me in committing some time to it today.

Laugh, Live, and Love often!

Day 10 -"A Brighter Day"

Footprints of Death...............

After nearly a month of not being able to sleep soundly, I had a terrific time of rest last night. For that I am sincerely grateful to God. This morning I felt a lot like my usual self. God is amazing!

This morning I had my morning devotion. I was reading Romans Chapters 12 & 13 which explains how to conduct oneself as a Christian. I appreciate the reminder cause since this whole grief experience, I have felt like I need to handle things and people if they make me angry.....but God's gentle reminder this morning was to let the idea of "handling things" myself GO and let him handle it. Whatever is bothering me I intend to give it to God and continue to give to others as God leads me. No more focusing on the past but using the past as a foundation to move into my brighter future.

Anyway, these scripture also stood out to me this morning. "The Lord is my shepherd, and I do not want. Jesus came that I might have life and have it more abundantly (Psalms 23:1 & John 10:10)." To me this scripture is saying that God leads me and I lack nothing. The other scripture means that God wants me to live and live more abundantly, which today I fully intend to do (smiling).

I know that some people are wondering why I keep bringing up scriptures and talking about God. I discuss scriptures and how I feel about God because "relationship" with God is the ONLY way that I know to make it through the difficulties of life, and in this case, the footprints of death.

This blog has helped me immensely in experiencing my feelings and it is my prayer that it will help others make it through difficult seasons in their lives too.

O.K. let's do the BAADD (5 Stages of Grief) checklist for the day.

Bargaining- Completely past this one.

Acceptance- I think I have accepted that my parents are no longer here physically.

Anger- Not today. :)

Denial- Not at all, thanks to this blog.

Depression- Figuratively opening the blinds in the room and the sunlight came in....on my way out (smile).

Day 9

Footprints of Death...............

Today is ok. Just taking slow and steady steps and not really in a place to analyze where I am in the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process.

Day 8 -Numb

Footprints of Death...............

Today was interesting. It felt like I had my head in the clouds today. It's a struggle to keep up this blog because I am fighting the "intense" feeling to go numb and just go through the day doing the usual mundane tasks that need to be done.

I remember this exact feeling after I lost my Mommy in October 1999. When she passed I worked, I tried to immediately enroll in school, I went to church (joined a new church), and did all the tasks that were expected of me, but I did them all in AUTOMATIC. I was numb, I was emotionless but no one, not even my closest friends, seemed to notice. That experience taught me that we all have our "stuff" that we face and we are so busy dealing with our own stuff that we sometimes do not take the time to notice or care for someone else. I really don't ever want to be that kind of person! My mission in life is to help as many people as I possible can by being transparent about the events of my life, in hopes that others can avoid some of the pitfalls that I faced. Sorry, I went off on a tangent, back to 1999. After my Mom passed in 1999 I did everything and I do mean everything in automatic for about 4 or 5 years. I had no idea that time had passed me by in that way. The only reason I started to realize how fast time had passed, was when I noticed my little cousins growing at what seemed to be an alarmingly fast rate. Lol! That's how out of it I really was, and again, no one knew.

Turning Point:

My turning point came when I went to the "new church" that I had joined called "Faithful Central Bible Church (FCBC) in Los Angeles. I had never gone to a church that large in my life and I found it very intimidating. Over time, I came to enjoy seeing thousands of people together in one place giving thanks and praise to God. It was quite an experience.

Anyway, in a service, Bishop Ulmer, the Senior Pastor, preached a sermon about Ruth and Naomi from the book of Ruth in the Bible. In fact, I think it was a series on the Book of Ruth but don't quote me. Anyway, in the story, Naomi was the matriarch of the story and her daughter-in-law was Ruth. Naomi lost her husband and her two sons in death. Both Ruth and Naomi were now widowers. Naomi had no immediate living family, but she had a daughter-in-law named Ruth who refused to leave her alone. Bishop Ulmer stopped and interpreted the following scriptures:

Ruth 1:20 when Naomi said this about God, "Do not call me Naomi (pleasant), call me Mara (sorrow), for the almighty has dealt very bitterly with me."

Ruth 1:21 what Naomi told the people in the new city she moved to, "I went out full, and the Lord has brought me home again empty. Why do you call me Naomi ( pleasant), since the Lord has testified against me, and the Almighty has afflicted me?"

Bishop Ulmer proceeded to teach the meaning of Naomi's given name, which meant pleasant. Then, he also explained the meaning of the name that Naomi gave herself, Mara, which meant sorrow. He said that Naomi was in grief, depressed, and in fact "angry with God" for taking away all of the people that she loved. He said, even in Naomi's anger, she still loved and respected God and saw him as sovereign, even though she was mad at God.

At that moment, a light bulb filled my soul and I knew why I was numb to family, friends, work, and everything else. I too was mad at God for taking away my Mommy. I was raised in the "church" environment my whole entire life. My Dad was a minister and my Mommy was a church missionary. To say or even allude to the fact that you were or could ever be mad at God was an absolute abomination!!!! But here it was in the Bible, a real person, who felt exactly the way that I felt. I was mad at God!!! Yes, I was mad at God, but yet I still loved and respected him with my entire being. I always know that He has my best interest at hand in all things......but I was so happy to hear someone speak to the "condition of my soul" at that moment. After that service, I asked God to help me forgive Him (God) for taking away my Mommy and I asked God to forgive me for harboring bad feelings against Him (God). Instantly, the sun in my soul was shining again.

Although, I have never had the chance to tell you to your face, thanks Bishop Ulmer!!!! God used you to save my life!!!! Even as I recant this story again, I truly think that God is using you again to help me see my way clear from the recent death of my Daddy. Bishop Ulmer, now I think I owe you twice (smiling)!!!

Day 7 -Committed

Footprints of Death...............12/16/09

The past few days have been weird. There have been more deaths of people who are friends or loved ones of people I know. My heart goes out to everyone who is or has suffered loss period, but especially during this time. I know that the holidays seem to worsen the feelings of loss, but if we stick together we can make it through.

Today I felt a little numb and I had a hard time concentrating. I was going to skip writing today but I told myself that I was going to commit to understanding and working my way through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process. So, I am..and I will!

I've been through this process before and the only way for me to successfully get through it, is to: trust in God, pray, meditate, read the Bible, stay close to people who love me, make no life changing decisions, if possible, (i.e. relationships, excessive partying, eating etc), and do not ignore my feelings. I must be aware of myself.

If I were asked to give advice about how to move past grief, this is the advice I would give. I used these tools during my first loss of 1999 and now I am practicing them again this year.

In truth, I better get acquainted with this process because I'll have to walk through it until the day I die. This statement is not meant to be a "bleak" thought, just a "realistic" one.

Oh yea, I appreciate the comments that many of you have written me about this blog on Facebook. I'm glad to know that I am not the only one who has feelings like this, and I am glad that God chose me to to shine the light on a usually dark topic.

Remember to laugh, live, and love often...............

Day 6- A Tribute to Daddy

Daddy and his Girls!

"A Tribute to Daddy"

Written by Judith, November 17, 2009 for my Daddy's Memorial Service

Daddy, I remember that you were always available to me. From the ages of 0-14 years old, I imprinted on you like a baby duck to its mother. I followed you everywhere. I tried to do everything that I saw you do. Whenever I walked into a room, I remember how your face lit up and you always had a look that said, " What did I do to deserve her love?" Daddy, I noticed your smile, your hard and tireless work, your sicknesses, your fears, your joys, your sorrows, and even your dreams. Daddy I noticed all of these things in you because I know that you noticed all of these things in me. You gave me support, you gave me confidence, and you gave me advice about being a successful woman. I remember when you used to take me shopping for clothes. I remember when I was about 11 years old, we went to Sears to buy clothes for me. I picked up a dress for church but the back was cut out. I said, "Daddy, this is the one I want." He looked down, turned his head, and smiled. Then he said, "Baby, that's not the kind of dress you want to wear." I said, "Why Daddy?" He said, "When a woman wears clothes like that she attracts the wrong kind of man. The kind of man that WILL NOT respect her and the kind of man that might hurt her. In other words, he WILL NOT see how beautiful she really is because she is showing too much."

Daddy, I remember you were a fearless protector. Whether it was a mouse, a bug, a garden snake, or a beast, when I called for my Daddy he just seemed to instantly appear and kill whatever it was that tried to hurt me.

I thought of an acronym using my Daddy's first name, JAMES.

J- stands for JOVIAL because he always liked funny stories and he found the humor in lots of things. Life in general really made him laugh.

A-stands for ADAMANT because my Daddy was a very determined man. One of his favorite lines was, "Once I make a decision, that's it!"

M-MASCULINE OR MANLY. He was a renaissance man. He cooked for his family, cleaned house, he worked outside of the home, he sewed, he fixed cars, he fought and he cried. He was always manly in all that he did. He believed that a man should take care of his responsibilities by providing for his family, friends, and loved ones emotionally, financially, and spiritually.

E-ENDURING. He was born with Epilepsy but he NEVER let his illness or illnesses define or stop him. While working, he had a seizure and four of the fingers on his right hand were severed......BUT HE NEVER GAVE UP. He never said, I do not want to work because I lost the fingers on my right hand, in fact, he went right back to work to support his wife and four children.

S-SYMPATHETIC. My Daddy was caring and giving even when his kindness cost him time or pain to his own body. He often mowed his neighbors lawns because he wanted them to have beautiful lawns, just like ours.

Day 6- Mommyisms

I want to dedicate this blog to my wonderful Mommy, Harriet. Yes, I still call her Mommy! Why? Because I always have. Mom, Momma, or Mother never suited me...after all I am the baby of the family (bratty smile). Lol!

Every since I lost my Mommy in 1999 it is like I have her face and her words on a plasma t.v. in my head. These are some of the things that I hear her say:

" I LOVE YOU!" (My Mommy told me that she loved me about 10 times a day. I'd always say to her, "I know Mommy, I know!" Now I would give anything to hear her say it one more time).

"You are beautiful, but remember, we are not vain."

"Good morning Dr. Judith."

"Little bit (one of my childhood nicknames), always remember that you have choices. Educate yourself first, then have a family, that way if your husband leaves you for any reason, you'll be able to take care of yourself."

"How was your day today?" "I got the feeling that things did not go well for you today, so I prayed for you."

"Ju (pronounced Joo or Jew), remember I will always be with you, even if I am not with you physically."

Day 5- Final Night Note

Footprints of Death...............

Another scripture just came to mind before bed.......

Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep him/her in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you (God): because he trusts in you (God)."

So since I trust in Him, I WILL HAVE PEACE? I WILL HAVE PEACE. YEA, I WILL HAVE PEACE!!!!

Day 5- Night Note

Footprints of Death...............

Today started out terrible. I was thinking about the events of the day and I felt myself sinking lower (emotionally). I decided to jump on the treadmill to get my serotonin and norepinephrine (brain chemicals that regulate moods i.e. depression) levels up. I put on the iPod and one of the first tracks that came on was a song by gospel singer Byron Cage. His song is based on Psalms 34:1 in the Bible. Psalms 34:1 says, "I will bless the Lord at all times and his praises shall continually be in my mouth." I started to sing and worship the Lord in song. I felt better, I feel better, thank God! When my Mommy was alive and had a bad day she would always play gospel music, mostly Andre Crouch, and she would sing her heart out. Then I would watch her attitude transform and she would be ready for the next challenge. She left me a great nugget in dealing with life. Music, especially gospel music, can certainly help to heal the soul.

While on the treadmill I realized that my blog could also be called "Footprints of Life" . More than my personal experience with grief, this blog is also like a roadmap of how to handle life. I am a Christian. I think that if Christians learned to be "MORE REAL" and share their highs and lows, then maybe people that do not know Christ as their personal Savior might have interest in knowing Him. I am the kind of Christian that wants the world to know that I do not live in a glass house. I feel pain, I make mistakes, I get angry, I get sad, and overall I am a REAL human being not a zombie or a character from the movie "Stepford Wives". In reality, God helps me to get through hard times that I otherwise would not make it through without Him. Am I alone on this? Feel free to comment at the bottom of this blog, let me know what you think.

So grateful, that I moved past the emotional darkness of the day. Yikes, that was a close call.

Thank you Jesus!!!

Day 5

Footprints of Death...............

Monday, what a day! I am definitely experiencing two stages of grief heavier than the other three. Main two stages of today are : anger and depression (anger turned inward). I have been on phone call after phone call that required very stern and direct language, my underlying anger helped get my points across but I was still able to keep my composure. That's a miracle!

Thought to self, just B-R-E-A-T-H-E........inhale, exhale, inhale exhale, inhale, exhale......headed into prayer and meditation.

Day 4- Night Note

Footprints of Death...............

I just got out of the bathtub. Again, the water serves so many purposes for me. Water can be my inspiration, my cleanser of all things that are dirty both mentally, physically, and spiritually. The water can also be an oasis for me.

While in the bathtub I prayed for all of the sick people that I know. In the past month, since my Dad's death, I had two phone calls that people very close to me have suddenly and unexpectedly fallen ill. The news could not have come at a more devastating time. Nevertheless, I prayed for them anyway, but not like I prayed for them tonight. Tonight, I interceeded on their behalf (that's kinda like when you pray for someone else as if it were you). I know that they will be o.k.

Today I learned a very valuable lesson. I learned that I need to be very careful of who I allow in my world while I am not in the best emotional state. There are some people who have no filters or boundaries and who show no courtesy regarding my loss and how I am doing with the loss. Some people continue to bring me all of their emotional baggage that they are unwilling to deal with and they "try" to dump their stuff onto me. I will call these people "EMOTIONAL VAMPIRES". Emotional Vampires have no interest in your blood (like the ones from the movies) they merely want to suck the emotional life- force out of you, taking up lots of your time, getting your attention, and stalling your creativity with mindless chatter that is always about them. My advice is to avoid these people at all costs. I said all that to say, I prayed for the Emotional Vampires in my life tonight and I put them in God's hands......so that means I am done with trying to help them to my own detriment.

When I was growing up I watched my Mom try to give and help everyone at any cost. That's how she was raised. One day I asked her, "Mommy, why do we continue to help people when we can barely help ourselves?" She said, "God wants us to be givers." It took a lot of life experience and examination to realize that God does want us to be givers to others but not to the detriment of our own livelihood. I think people forget that God created the world so he does have an enormous amount of intelligence. I also think that God has given us the ability to make both wise and spiritual decisions. That's not to say that God may not ask you to give more than you would like to, but in those cases it is best to adhere to God's request because he always has our best interest at heart. In reality giving to God in service, community, taking care of the elderly and children are all types of giving. Furthermore giving builds our faith and lifts the spirits of both the giver and the receiver. How amazing is that!

So tonight all people who are suffering from illness, death, despair, job loss, divorce or even emotional vampires just do what I did tonight, and put them in God's hands being sure not to take them back out of His hands. (Smile)

Day 4

Footprints of Death...............

Today was a little rainy outside. Nice day though, for a while the sun came out.

I did not pay too much attention to the 5 stages of grief today. I try not to do that because I do not want the grief experience to deal with me unconsciously and manifest itself in other ways in my actions, body (health), or decisions. I want to handle this season consciously. I know for me, if I do not pay attention to my feelings of grief, I will substitute that pain for a happy moment while eating cupcakes, cookies, cakes, and any other delightful desserts that I can make or buy. I am adamant about being present in this season of grief although it would be easier to thrust myself into sweets, work, school, and any of my other activities.

Today, I kept thinking about the acronym I wrote yesterday. I realized today that it had a lot of truth to it.

D - E -A- T - H could stand for DECREASING EXTERNAL ACTIVITIES THAT HINDER.

I think that death does afford me a moment of pause to assess my life, question my own mortality, and decide how I want to live out the dash between the time I was born and the time I die. If I think of death in this way, death (the loss of someone or something) can seem like a blessing or kinda like a school recess when I was a kid. Hmm interesting concept.

Day 3 -Night Note

Footprints of Death...............

I just took a shower. It is something about being near water that seems to wash away all my troubles...even if just for a moment. Water is inspiring to me!

Earlier I talked about the possible reasons for death. I mean that is the purpose for my blog, right? I think I am trying to understand death, but I am unsure if death is meant to be understood. Of course, I join the ranks of philosophers, spiritual leaders, and people everywhere for centuries. They like me have asked the age old question, "Why do people have to die?" I guess it is safe to say that the topic of understanding death will never get old because death is a constant, it will always be there. Oh well, for me I always turn an idea round and round until I can make some sense of it. I am trying to make sense of death's impression on my life. I was fooling around with another acronym in my head. It goes like this:

D - E - A- T- H could stand for DECREASING EXTERNAL ACTIVITIES THAT HINDER...

Maybe death affords you just enough pause in life to pursue your dreams. Without death, maybe we would never get out of the rat maze we sometimes run in and JUST LIVE. ...just live, that's nice.

Day 3 Continued

Footprints of Death...............

Birthday movie time has ended. I just finished cleaning my bathroom, it was a mess. I HATE filth in any form or fashion and what I have just witnessed in that bathroom in just two weeks is alarming (small smile).

Anyway, as I was mopping my bathroom floor, I thought about the condition of the world. The troops in Iraq, the violence, the over-sexualized culture that we live in, the millions of job losses, the home losses, the loss of stability that our country is experiencing....the list goes on and on. I started to pray for everyone and everything that "we" as a nation are going through. It was nice to forget about myself, really nice.

I thought about this blog and realized that people everywhere are experiencing loss of "all" things right now. I think that the only way to get through this season is to continue to pray and try to help someone else.I have an idea.... I would like to sponsor 3 single-parent-headed families a month. I do not know how I will do it, but I will do it. I know exactly how I would like to help them, but I'll keep that part a secret between me and God (God and I,I know!!!).

After praying, I thought to myself, at least I had two great parents,not like the ones that were portrayed in the movie "Precious" so I have a lot to be grateful for. I find that answering myself with a positive answer to negative questions or thoughts posed by myself is often helpful in counteracting the mind portion of my soul.

Maybe the loss of things, people, or secure times is just a way to make us retreat from the hustle and bustle of life and turn to the more important things in life like serving God, serving others in community, and loving family and friends.

Maybe! Maybe? Just Maybe.

Day 3

Footprints of Death...............

Sitting here thinking about where I am in the 5 stages of grief today. BAADD (bargaining, acceptance, anger, denial, depression). I just got back from running errands. I was behind a lady who was driving about 10 mph on the main highway then without a signal she turned left. Instantly, I went from 0-60 mph with anger. I flashed my bright lights on her and was completely annoyed. I asked myself, why are you mad at 9:30 am in the morning? Based on my reaction to the lady on the road, I must be in the anger stage of grief today. I must also be in acceptance because I am getting used to the idea that I have no "living" parents. Depression seems to be somewhat of a constant but seeing a beautiful rainbow this morning was helpful. Bargaining is definitely not happening because the act of death has already happened, so who would I bargain with at this point? Denial, is definitely not happening because I am very aware of my present situation. Ok, cool, I know where I am right now and that is a good start.

Yesterday, was my sister Gail's birthday. Today is my sister Tlona's birthday. Happy birthday sisters!!! Oh yea, on behalf of Mommy and Daddy I want to wish you both a Happy Birthday!!! If I remember correctly Daddy, would have gifts for both of you and tell you to enjoy the life that you have. Mommy, would be her usual self and say, " I LOVE YOU", so many times that you wonder why she keeps repeating it so much. Now that she's gone I'm sure you're glad that she did.

Let's go see what the rest of the day holds.

Day 2

Footprints of Death...............

I think that it's important to note that this blog is designed to help me heal. I will have my say as this will help in my healing process. Some people think that I am conceding defeat. My sole purpose is to "break the ugly silence" that happens when people pass away. I do not have guilt or even despair regarding the loss of my parents. If I were in despair, that would mean that I have no hope, but that's not even the case.

In short, my spirit is strong. I have a personal relationship with God, whom I call Jesus Christ, and he has gotten me through many, many, many hard times. I am confident that He will continue to get me through this period and lead me to much greener pastures. This blog is not about the condition of my spirit. This blog is about the TEMPORARY condition of my soul. Right now my soul is not well. It feels disappointment, loss, sadness, uncertainty, etc. My soul is experiencing a myriad of feelings both good, bad, and indifferent. I have had instances where I let my UNEXPRESSED feelings cause me to have asthma attacks, develop pneumonia, back problems, acne problems, and gain weight. UNEXPRESSED feelings cause illness. I refuse to allow my feelings to dictate my level of mental and physical health EVER again. So, here it is, the real reason why I am blogging. I am blogging for myself. I am blogging because I am not afraid to speak for myself about how I feel. I am also not afraid of what other people think about my decision to blog.

Yesterday, I was in the anger stage of grief. Today, I can say that I am not experiencing anger, acceptance, bargaining, or denial....for this I am grateful. Depression, not too much.

Day 1

Footprints of Death...............

I asked God in the shower what I should do to get through this particular grief process and He said, "Write about it!" I immediately got out of the shower, created a blog page, and began to write.

Also in the shower, I was thinking about everyone who is still asking me how I am doing. When asked I tell them, "I am doing ok." Then I usually smile at them in a way that makes them believe me, which also makes them feel comfortable. In truth, right now I AM NOT OK. In fact, I am far from ok. There are moments when I want to scream, curse (which is unusual for me), do cartwheels, run 10 miles, hop, jump, dance, cry, and end it all with a tantrum in the middle of the floor. But I cannot do half of what I feel because it makes other people feel uncomfortable and our society does not allow us to experience our grief, we are merely expected to suck it up and move on. "Life is a part of death they say". "Your parents are in a better place now." My all time favorite one is, "Well, at least they don't have to suffer anymore." What I would like to say to all of these comments is, "PLEASE SHUT UP!" "DO YOU HAVE YOUR PARENTS?" "CAN YOU CALL YOUR PARENTS ON THE PHONE WHEN YOU NEED ADVICE OR A SHOULDER TO CRY ON?" If the answer to either of the last two questions is, "Yes", then please shut up and remove yourself from me. The truth can be ugly but I am determined to speak my truth so that I can truly heal from this nearly debilitating experience.

In truth, I am crying now as I blog. I am crying because it's already been a month since November 10, 2009 when my Dad passed away, my last living parent. It's been 10 years since my Mom passed away, her departure date was October 30, 1999. They were the best parents for me. No, they were not perfect, but God could not have chosen two better people to father and mother me. I love them and they taught me so much. In their death it is like they have left me with strength that I do not know what to do with, at the same time I experience weakness that causes me not to get out of the bed.

Since life happens in stages, I guess I will experience my grief in stages too. In fact the experts say that there are 5 stages of grief (Barone & Ivy, 2004). The five (5) stages of grief are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. For those who know me, you know that I love making acronyms for everything. When I look at the words of the five stages of grief I take the first letter of each word and immediately spell out BAADD. I know that this is not the correct spelling of the word "bad" but this is an accurate emotional spelling of the word bad and how I feel right now.

I'm tired now, I better go....

Reference:

Barone, James E. & Ivy, Michael (2004). Resident Work Hours: The Five Stages of Grief. Journal of the Association of American Medical Colleges 79 (5), 379-380.