Day 59

Footprints of Death...............

I finally had a moment to blog. Yikes. Blogging is my vacation or getaway so when I don't get a chance to blog I get a little anxious. Lol! Anyway, I finally made it on. I had some reading to do tonight, it was about the causality of disease. I know it sounds boring but it is very interesting conceptually.

Last night I was able to get great rest. Just pure REM (deep sleep) it was awesome. When I first lost my Dad on Nov 10, 2009 I could not sleep, it was like I could sense my Dad and I was in complete disbelief that he was gone. My mind would race every time I tried to sleep so for a while I stopped trying to sleep and grabbed a nap here or there. I noticed that I was becoming very irritable and I was an emotional wreck, which for me is rare as I always monitor myself in terms of how I am feeling and why. Anyway, lack of sleep was doing me in so much I went to the doctor and he prescribed sleeping pills. Thank God for doctors! The pills that he gave me shut my mind off during the night and allowed me to sleep.

Aside from great sleep last night, something else wonderful happened today. It took almost three months since losing my Dad, but today I smiled for no apparent reason. This may not sound like much to you but I usually laugh all of the time about anything. I have had so many bad things happen to me in life that I used laughter to turn those situations into something that I could handle through laughter. So today, without seeing or hearing something funny I just smiled....and for no reason I kept smiling. I thank God for that miracle happening to me today and in such a short time.

Ok, I have grown fatigued again. I'm gonna turn in and anxiously wait to see what God has in store for me tomorrow. But before I go I better run through where I am in the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining- Not at all.

Acceptance- Totally accepted the fact that my parents are gone.

Anger - No manifestation, no burning in my chest, so not today.

Denial- No, just unbelief. Sometimes I stop and check my surroundings and check my phone just to make sure I am not dreaming and my present state is my new reality.

Depression - Fighting my way out and determined to win!