Day 77

Footprints of Death...............

It's been such a long day. I am soooo tired. I finally took my Epidemiology final exam. It went well. I promise, I will resume blogging tomorrow but I have to go and rest right now (weak smile).

Day 76

Footprints of Death...............

OMG! I cannot believe I missed blogging yesterday. I am so sorry but I had to take my final. I did well on the final though. I will resume my blogging today.

Day 76

Footprints of Death...............

Again, I am exhausted so I do not have time to recap the day. However, I am doing well otherwise. I am still preparing for finals so forgive my shortness but if I do not receive my full 7 hours of sleep at night I am not a nice woman. Lol!

So, here we go with the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process for the night:

Bargaining -Not at all.

Acceptance- Totally.

Anger- No unwarranted manifestations, feeling "normal".

Denial - No, just unbelief.
Depression- Feeling better.

Reference:

Barone, James E. & Ivy, Michael (2004). Resident Hours. The Five Stages of Grief. Journal of the Association of American Medical Colleges 79(5), 379-380.

Day 75

Footprints of Death...............

Today was a heavy project day but despite the pressures of the day I am still feeling inspired.

I wonder does anyone else feel inspired for no apparent reason? I am not sure if I am alone on this but it would be nice to find out that I am not. Lol!

I am gearing up for finals. I am tired, but I have to persevere. Whew!

Well, I really have to go so I better run through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process.

Bargaining - Not at all.

Acceptance - Totally.

Anger - No, not today.....but if I am pushed I will handle a situation with dignity and move forward.

Denial - No, just unbelief.

Depression - Feeling so much better!

Reference:

Barone, James E. & Ivy, Michael (2004). Resident Hours. The Five Stages of Grief. Journal of the Association of American Medical Colleges 79(5), 379-380.

Day 74 -"The Godspot"

Footprints of Death...............

This morning I was a little nervous because I had to perform on a new project and I was concerned about whether or not I would be successful at it. Despite my hesitation and apprehension, the day went well. I was successful at a project that I had never done before. God is always great! Oprah Winfrey says a phrase that I love and believe, "God always dreams a bigger dream for us than we can dream for ourselves." These days when I petition God for something, I ask Him for what I want, then I say, "But do as you will and how you will," in perfect God form he always gives me ABOVE and BEYOND what I have asked of Him. Do you know anyone else like that? I know, me neither. Lol!

Today's victory is one that I would have loved to share with my parents. They were both so supportive of me in everything that I endeavored. I never once heard them say, "You can't do that!" or "That will never work!" They always said pray about it and trust God to help you. Wise words from two very wise people. I love you Mommy and Daddy. In my parents physical absence, God has truly made himself apart of my life. I feel his love everyday, just like I used to feel my parents love. I still feel their love but the physical aspect is gone and sometimes that can be hard to fathom. I know that God is watching me and is with me and His love brings me great comfort, which makes it virtually impossible to continue in the state of grief (huge smile).

There is a place inside of me that no mother, father, sister, brother, friend, or lover can fill. I like to call it the Godspot because He seems to know what I need and when I need it without me speaking a word. I am so grateful, I am so honored that He loves me, and for that I am determined to share His love with others.

Now, it's time to see how I am doing in the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining - Not at all
Acceptance -Totally, my parents are physically gone.
Anger - Not so much now, no manifestations, except when somone tries to take something from me, especially since I am only 3 months away from losing my Dad. Whew!

Denial -Not at all, just unbelief from time to time.
Depression - I can metaphorically see the breaking of day.

Reference:

Barone, James E. & Ivy, Michael (2004). Resident Hours. The Five Stages of Grief. Journal of the Association of American Medical Colleges 79(5), 379-380.

Day 73

Footprints of Death...............

Wow, I am so completely exhausted! Finals weeks. Grrrrr! I'll be fine I know but it is a physical and mental sacrifice. When I was younger I seemed to not feel the late night studying, etc.

Funny story, I was out the other day and my cell phone rang. All of sudden my stomach dropped and I was struck with terror. I briefly said, "Oh God, I hope this is not a bad call about Daddy being rushed to the hospital or that he died." As soon as I looked down, I realized that my Daddy already died and I don't have to worry about him anymore. I am relieved. For over 30 years I have been afraid by the terror that another bad thing (sickness, accident, etc) had happened to one or both of my parents. Now both myself and my parents can rest. God is amazing!

I will go through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process as I promised myself:

Bargaining- Not at all.
Acceptance -Totally, I am getting used to the idea that I don't have living parents, it causes me to rely more heavily on God.
Anger - No, manifestations.
Denial - No, just unbelief from time to time.
Depression - Amazingly, I am feeling better. Thank God!

Day 72

Footprints of Death...............

Today was an interesting day. The weather was partly sunny and the the clouds rolled in. From my vantage point it was a beautiful sight amidst the mountains.

This week is jam packed with activity. I am in the midst of finals week and I have mixed emotions. I am glad that the class is almost over and I am a little anxious about the outcome. I don't know why I go through this when it comes to school when I have been in school for almost 20 years. Lol!

My feelings in regard to grief are pretty stable and for that I am extremely grateful.

Since it's late, I am going to run through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining - Not at all.

Acceptance - Totally.

Anger - No manifestations.

Denial - Not at all.

Depression - Fighting my way out and determined to win!

Day 71

Footprints of Death...............

Saying that I am exhausted at this point is an understatement, so I won't say it. Lol! Finals are upon me so thoughts and feelings of grief are not prominent in my mind, as my focus is briefly averted.

As I promised myself early on in the blog, I will check in with myself in regard to how I am doing with the grief or BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining- Not at all.

Acceptance -Totally, my parents are gone.

Anger - No manifestations.

Denial- No, just unbelief from time to time.

Depression- Fighting my way out and determined to win!

Day 70

Footprints of Death...............

I am soooooooo exhausted I will just run through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process and where I am in the stages today.

Bargaining - Not at all. I understand that both of my parents are gone, no one to bargain with (smile).

Acceptance - Totally.

Anger- No manifestations today. No seething or suppressed anger either that I can identify. Yay!

Denial - No, just unbelief from time to time.

Depression -Fighting my out and determined to win!

Goodnight!

Day 69

Footprints of Death...............

Everyday is starting to get a little brighter and a little brighter. I feel as though I am walking out of a 100 foot deep pit that was so dark and so cold that I did not think that I would ever see my way out. The picture that I describe is the picture of grief. Grief has a way of making you feel like you are all alone in a sea of despair but God can heal the human heart of any pain and all we have to do is ask for his help, then allow Him to help. That always amazes me!!! God's power is amazing to me. There is no pit, no fear, no aloneness, no disease, no depression, no anger, no disillusionment, no uncertainty, no pain, and no heartbreak that my God cannot heal. I am eternally grateful.

Today, I had many little tasks to do. I am adamant to take small steps in the direction of my dreams as I am finally able to pursue them. As I have said before, I feel empowered by the strength that both of my parents left me to complete or fulfill my destiny. I have so many dreams that I have longed to fulfill but I always promised myself that I would never pursue my life and leave my parents behind to suffer. Never! I always thought of myself as a military commander in my family. Why? Because I refused to leave a man behind in this war called "life". When both of my parents were physically disabled I knew that I would not leave them to suffer alone, even if that meant that I sacrificed my own dreams. I must say I am glad that I made the decision to stay and support them in anyway that I could. I'm glad because I feel a sense of wholeness and a renewed faith in knowing that the things that I have always wanted to achieve, God has already prepared for me. He allowed me this time to mature enough to receive and to thrive in the destiny that He has prepared for me.....at least this is how I feel.

Now it is time to run through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining - Not at all.

Acceptance - Totally.

Anger - Not today, no manifestations.

Denial - No, just unbelief from time to time.

Depression - Fighting my way out and determined to win!

As always, I fully intend to laugh, live, and love intentionally.

Day 68

Footprints of Death...............

I am pooped. Long day and heavy school assignment = one tired woman.

The BAADD (5 stages of grief) process for the day:

Bargaining -Not at all.

Acceptance -Totally.

Anger - No, not today. No manifestations.

Denial - No, just unbelief.

Depression -Fighting my way out and determined to win.

Day 67

Footprints of Death...............

I had a thought today. It was not necessarily an original thought, but it was an interesting thought nonetheless. The thought was, recovering from the effects of death is a part of life. It is a very hard part of life, but still a part of life. I'm noticing that some people have never lost anyone close to them. I almost feel sorry for those people because they have little to no compassion for people who have lost a loved one. These people exhibit apathy (no feeling) as if they think they will never suffer loss, to that notion I say, "Silly mortals." That was a just a mind boggler that I had to express.

Anyway, exhaustion is upon me, so I must retire for the night.

The BAADD (5 stages of grief) process for tonight:

Bargaining- Not at all.

Acceptance-Totally.

Anger- Not today, no manifestations.

Denial- No, just unbelief.

Depression-Fighting my way out and determined to win!

Day 66

Footprints of Death...............

Yesterday (Valentine's Day) was my Mommy's Birthday. My brother and sisters memorialized her life by telling her things that we would want to say to her now. We wrote our thoughts to her in a card and brought flowers. It was a beautiful time. I am happy to have been loved and supported by the best woman and mother ever, my Mommy, Harriet. I miss you Mommy and your efforts to raise a good woman are being realized everyday that I wake up. You would also be so proud of Gail, Tlona, and Ephrem as they have amazing strength and determination.

Well, where am I in the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process today?

Bargaining- Not at all

Acceptance - Totally accepted my parents death.

Anger- Sometimes, but not too much and no real manifestations,

Denial- No, unbelief at times.

Depression- Fighting my way out and determined to win!!!

Day 65

Footprints of Death...............

Sorry that I skipped Sunday but it was Mommy's Birthday. She would have been 67 years old on Valentine's Day. I did not blog yesterday because it was a little too hard, but thank God I made it through the day with a smile and a sense of peace instead of grief and sadness.

Remember to laugh, live, and love always and intentionally.

Day 64

Footprints of Death...............

Today was a beautiful day outside but early on in the day I started to feel blue. My Mommy's birthday is on Valentine's Day so this morning I was thinking about how my life would be if she was here. I thought about what I would tell her. I thought about what she would look like because she still looked young when she passed away at 56 years old. After having those thoughts, my attitude really took a dive. I started to become irritated and I did not want to go out but I had plans.

My plans led me to a meeting of women then I went to a Valentine's Day party. I'm glad that I went out I had fun. Wow, these emotions can be way too much some times. Sometimes I wish I did not have them because I have to feel things that I do not want to feel.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone and please remember to show love to the people that you care about as tomorrow is not promised. Remember love is stable and unconditional, it last forever, real love cannot be turned on and off like a faucet, real love lasts the test of time. Love you Mommy!

Day 63

Footprints of Death...............

Yesterday, I was too tired to blog so I went to sleep at 8:30 p.m. I am feeling a sense of belonging lately and I am glad. The grief process at first was making me feel like I did not belong anywhere as both my parents are no longer here. Now, I realize that the "loneliness" emotion was just my realization that the parents who brought me in this world, are not here anymore.

We are two days away from Valentine's Day and that is usually a hard day for me because that is my Mommy's Birthday. She was truly my little love bug. She loved everyone and showed it. I watched her love people so hard that they were afraid that she had an ulterior motive, but she did not, she just wanted to love people. I think she passed that trait on to me because she taught me that there is nothing higher than loving someone despite if they understand love or are able to love you back. My mother was the only person that I know that exemplified "unconditional love" to me. Her love never wavered. I could and I believe that I always can rely on her example of unconditionally love. Because she loved me so perfectly, I am able to share love with others in the same way. Thanks Mom! I am missing you this weekend, but you deserve to rest.

I truly miss my Mommy. She was so spiritually attuned she knew what all of her kids were going through before they even said anything to her. Amazing! I often wonder what advice she would give to me now. I have almost achieved my educational goal, I haven't fully achieved my career goals, I haven't fully achieved my creative goals in terms of music or writing, so I wonder what she would say to me right now. Maybe she will appear to me in my dreams as usual and show me the way.

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone. Celebrate love in a pure way. Love is constant, stable, never-ending, is kind, does not demand it's own way, is not conceited, suffers long, believes all things, endures all things, LOVE NEVER FAILS.

I'll skip the stages of grief for now and come back to them later.

Day 62

Footprints of Death...............

Another amazing day! It's amazing because I made it through the day with no feelings or thoughts of grief. It seems that my focus is shifting from grief into making the best life possible for myself. That is truly awesome! In such a short time I have come so far.

I am tired tonight. I have to finish an assignment on how to assess disease causality. I know it may sound boring, but learning is truly my passion, so cut me some slack for being a nerd. Lol!

I better check in on myself in terms of the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining- Not at all, my parents have passed away.

Acceptance- Totally accepted both of their deaths.

Anger- No manifestations or feelings in a while.

Denial- No, just unbelief from time to time.

Depression - Fighting my way out but determined to win!!

As always my life's goal is to laugh, live, and love intentionally.

Day 61

Footprints of Death...............

Life is really moving fast right now. I'm kinda holding on to the dashboard on the passenger side of the vehicle while life is driving as if we are in a race car. Lol!

Very busy day, so busy that I am exhausted.

I do wanna check in on where I am in the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining- Not at all.
Acceptance -Totally. I know that my parents are gone.
Anger- Not at all.
Denial- No just unbelief.
Depression- Fighting my way out and determined to win!!!

Day 60

Footprints of Death...............

What an amazingly busy day! Unbelievable! I must say that the joy of the Lord is my strength. I have not thought about that scripture since going through the grief process so I know that I am healing nicely to even have that in my heart.

I am feeling so much better. My bleak outlook now has a beautiful sunrise. It was a step by step journey through what seemed like a never ending dark tunnel, but now I am seeing the light. Thank God!

For anyone dealing with grief right now and feeling hopeless, please hold on. Try not to do anything crazy or give into using alcohol, food, or sex as a substitute for your true feelings..pray more, read the Bible if you can, and I assure you God will meet you because He hears every word that we say and he loves us enough to make our situation better. Believe me, I know!

Alright, I'm gonna run through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining - Not at all.

Acceptance -Totally, I accept that both my parents have passed.

Anger- Not today, no manifestations or seething anger.

Denial- No, just unbelief.

Depression - Fighting my way out and determined to win!!!

Day 59

Footprints of Death...............

I finally had a moment to blog. Yikes. Blogging is my vacation or getaway so when I don't get a chance to blog I get a little anxious. Lol! Anyway, I finally made it on. I had some reading to do tonight, it was about the causality of disease. I know it sounds boring but it is very interesting conceptually.

Last night I was able to get great rest. Just pure REM (deep sleep) it was awesome. When I first lost my Dad on Nov 10, 2009 I could not sleep, it was like I could sense my Dad and I was in complete disbelief that he was gone. My mind would race every time I tried to sleep so for a while I stopped trying to sleep and grabbed a nap here or there. I noticed that I was becoming very irritable and I was an emotional wreck, which for me is rare as I always monitor myself in terms of how I am feeling and why. Anyway, lack of sleep was doing me in so much I went to the doctor and he prescribed sleeping pills. Thank God for doctors! The pills that he gave me shut my mind off during the night and allowed me to sleep.

Aside from great sleep last night, something else wonderful happened today. It took almost three months since losing my Dad, but today I smiled for no apparent reason. This may not sound like much to you but I usually laugh all of the time about anything. I have had so many bad things happen to me in life that I used laughter to turn those situations into something that I could handle through laughter. So today, without seeing or hearing something funny I just smiled....and for no reason I kept smiling. I thank God for that miracle happening to me today and in such a short time.

Ok, I have grown fatigued again. I'm gonna turn in and anxiously wait to see what God has in store for me tomorrow. But before I go I better run through where I am in the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining- Not at all.

Acceptance- Totally accepted the fact that my parents are gone.

Anger - No manifestation, no burning in my chest, so not today.

Denial- No, just unbelief. Sometimes I stop and check my surroundings and check my phone just to make sure I am not dreaming and my present state is my new reality.

Depression - Fighting my way out and determined to win!

Day 58

Footprints of Death...............

Great day at church. I had some time to relax. I am tuned in now to the Superbowl but I have no idea what football is all about. My Dad and brother were into baseball and basketball so I did not get much of an education in football. Lol!

Anyway, since things are mellow for me I will run through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining - Not at all.

Acceptance -Totally accepted the death of both my parents.

Anger- No and no manifestations in days.

Denial - No just unbelief at times.

Depression -Fighting my way out and determined to win!

Have a great evening!

Day 57

Footprints of Death...............

It has continued to rain heavily in Los Angeles. We are under storm watch. The rain seems to confuse people on the road but I'm not sure why. Lol.

I am about to start working on a school assignment. I hope it goes easily. I have been operating under a lack of adequate rest all week. I just awoke from a 2 hr nap but I could use about 8 more hours to be somewhat caught up on my sleep.

The running pattern for the past two weeks is that feelings of grief have started to dissipate. That's great right? After feeling so devastated for so long it is so nice to open the blinds and see the "metaphoric sunlight." Now that feelings of grief are diminishing I have been asking God for direction for my life. In the past my focus has always been to work hard so that I could better the lives of my parents. Now that my parents are deceased I can think about myself and decide what direction I want my life to go in, but I do not want to choose a direction that God has not predestined for me. I know that God will lead me and I am exciting about Him doing so.

Ok, I better get going on the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process for the night.

Bargaining- Not at all.

Acceptance - Totally accepted the loss of my parents.

Anger - No angry feelings or manifestations in days.

Denial - No, just unbelief from time to time.

Depression - Fighting my way out and determined to win!

Good night!

Day 56

Footprints of Death...............

T.G.I.F. This week was hard. I was operating on minimal rest all week and I am happy that it's over. Today was a rainy day in Los Angeles and if you know anything about Los Angeles, rain might as well be snow, at least that's the way California drivers treat their commute. Lol!

Grief has taken another back seat in my life today. I am starting to think of my pain less and less. The truth is I do not even feel the pain that I felt a few months ago. That is a real relief!

Anyway, I wanna check in on the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining- Not at all.

Acceptance-Totally.

Anger -No manifestations.

Denial - No, just unbelief.

Depression -Fighting my way out!

As always, I am committed to laugh, live, and love intentionally. Good night!

Day 55

Footprints of Death...............

Today started quite early and it took me a little while to really wake up. Honestly, I don't think I woke up until about 3:00p.m. so sad. Lol! I have been working myself very hard so I have to find time to pause. I guess this is my time to give pause to the hustle and bustle of life. Right now I'm sitting in my dark living room typing this blog entry.

I am noticing that I seem to be turning the corner on the grieving process. I started righting this blog exactly one month from the date my Dad passed away, so if I add those thirty days to the fifty-five days that I have been blogging then it's been eighty-five (85) days since the loss and I feel like I'm turning the corner on grief. Amazing!

Things that would have upset me 60 days ago and set me off into an angry tirade, now bounce off me like I'm wearing a problem resistant jacket. I love it! I feel whole. I feel like I am living my best life right now and I don't have to wait to do so. Geez, I thank my God for healing my broken heart. There is no verbal explanation for how the grieving process devastates the human soul........but healing is a beautiful thing. For all those having a rough time with grief, just hang in there, surround yourself with the people that truly love and support you, develop a relationship with the God of the universe, and trust Him to lead you to peace and resolve with the loss that you have experienced. God will always show up in our lives when we invite Him in, but we have to invite Him. No one comforts the soul like God, believe me I know.

Now, I'll check in with my BAADD (5 stages of grief) process for the night:

Bargaining- Not at all, both of my parents are deceased.

Acceptance - Totally.

Anger- Not today, no manifestations in days.

Denial- No just unbelief from time to time.

Depression- Fighting my way out and determined to win!!!

As always, I vow to cherish everyday and to laugh, live, and love intentionally.

Day 54

Footprints of Death...............

Today was another eventful day. For the past week I have had the opportunity to learn new things and to have a completely new scenery. I feel like this "newness" is affecting me in a very positive way.

Lately, I feel like I am somehow surrounded by both my parents. I know that seems weird and I am not suggesting that I have some kind paranormal ability but I feel like I sense their presence. Weird right? I know.

Anyway, grief is starting to subside and it is being replaced with hope. For me, blogging this experience has forced me to consistently analyze where I am in the grieving process. Self-monitoring is helping me to heal quite nicely. I know that I will always be affected by this loss, but the deep feelings of woundedness and aloneness are dissipating.

Well, I'm a little tired so I think I better go through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process for the night:

Bargaining- Not at all. The deal is closed my parents are no longer on this earth. Lol!
Acceptance-Totally. I am fully aware that they are no longer physically here.
Anger- Not today (big smile).
Denial- Not at all, just unbelief at times.
Depression- Fighting my way out and determined to win!!!

As always, I am committed to laugh, live, and love intentionally. I am also committed to the people that I love. I make a new committment to them to treat them like they are precious and to treat them with the understanding that tomorrow is not promised so I'll give love, accolades, friendship, hope, kindness, longsuffering, joy, honest advice, confidence, comfort, and stability today....then there will be no regrets if either I or those I love do not get to see one another again.

Day 53

Footprints of Death...............

Today was another busy day. I am so tired that I'm a bit sore from excessive unplanned exercise. Lord, help this body of mine!

Right now there are many new things that I am embarking on and it feels good to enjoy these moments. It's so nice to have new seasons of change. Like I said in earlier blogs, it is nice to finally have a life of my own. I mean a life where I do not have to worry about taking care of another person, but I can focus on myself a little more. Of course I miss my parents and their presence cannot be replaced but at the same time I'm enjoying being with myself and making decision for "me" alone. I never thought I would feel this way or have this kind of opportunity. I know that this may seem strange but it is how I feel and it feels good to express the feeling.

In terms of the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process, I am going to go through it for the day.

Bargaining- Not at all.

Acceptance- Totally.

Anger- No, not today.

Denial - No, just unbelief at times.

Depression - Fighting my way out.

As always, I am remembering to laugh, live, and love intentionally.

Day 52

Footprints of Death...............

I was so busy I missed Sunday. Unbelievable, I had not missed a day since I started this blog in November. Oh well, I cannot cry over spilled milk.