Today has been pretty funny because I had one pervading thought for most of the day. The thought is/was, "I NEED A VACATION!" I already have the place in mind, I know the length of time needed, and how much it will cost. I'm only missing two components, the time and the resource. Which is why this pervading thought is so funny. I cannot figure out why it will not go away. I know that I want a vacation and I know that I need one, but it will have to happen when it will happen. Geez!
In terms of grief, those feelings continue to diminish and I become more and more grateful that I do not have to watch my parents suffer anymore. Now that they are gone, I realize more than ever that they were a constant worry on my mind. A few years back my health began to fail and I was on at least six prescription medicines. I suddenly found that I was getting increasingly worse so I took time to take care of myself. I am better now but I still have work to do. I am starting to get used to the idea that I can focus on myself. In times past, all of my jobs and my quest to educate myself was strongly motivated by the fact that I knew I would have to financially support my parents in full one day. Bittersweet how my responsibility is now gone....... Sometimes, I wonder if I even know how to focus on just taking care of myself cause I have been taking care of one or both of my parents almost my entire life. Maybe it is time for me to get used to taking care of me? Weird concept, but I'll wrap my head around it at some point. I hope?
I know that God is sovereign and that He has a plan for all that He does, but sometimes I wish I could have changed the timing of my parents' death simply because I am left with so many unanswered questions and unresolved or unfinished dreams in regard to them. Sometimes I cry because I was not able to give them all of the things that I wanted them to have. I watched them suffer in a health care system that had no respect for their deep belief in a God that was bigger than their circumstance of sickness. That hurts! I feel like my parents are like the Saints in the Bible. Hebrews Chapter 11 talks about all of God's people who died in faith never having received all of their promises but they still knew that God was faithful to perform His promises to them. Of course, God did make Abraham the father of many nations but he did not live to see that promise totally fulfilled. I feel like that is my parents' story too.....and sometimes that hurts. When I have these thoughts, my logical side kicks in and says that is not a worry anymore as God will reward them now. Just because I was not able to see them get their rewards, does not mean that they will not be rewarded. Of course not! I am sure I think way too much. Lol!
Ok, now for the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:
Bargaining- Not at all.
Acceptance- Yes, just questions from time to time.
Anger- No, just unbelief.
Denial- No, I am fully aware and I have come to terms with the death of both my parents.
Depression- Getting better and determined to win!
No comments:
Post a Comment