Day 106

Footprints of Death...............

Tonight I am exhausted so I do not have much to say. Goodnight!!

Day 105-Get Away/Unanswered Questions

Footprints of Death...............

Today has been pretty funny because I had one pervading thought for most of the day. The thought is/was, "I NEED A VACATION!" I already have the place in mind, I know the length of time needed, and how much it will cost. I'm only missing two components, the time and the resource. Which is why this pervading thought is so funny. I cannot figure out why it will not go away. I know that I want a vacation and I know that I need one, but it will have to happen when it will happen. Geez!

In terms of grief, those feelings continue to diminish and I become more and more grateful that I do not have to watch my parents suffer anymore. Now that they are gone, I realize more than ever that they were a constant worry on my mind. A few years back my health began to fail and I was on at least six prescription medicines. I suddenly found that I was getting increasingly worse so I took time to take care of myself. I am better now but I still have work to do. I am starting to get used to the idea that I can focus on myself. In times past, all of my jobs and my quest to educate myself was strongly motivated by the fact that I knew I would have to financially support my parents in full one day. Bittersweet how my responsibility is now gone....... Sometimes, I wonder if I even know how to focus on just taking care of myself cause I have been taking care of one or both of my parents almost my entire life. Maybe it is time for me to get used to taking care of me? Weird concept, but I'll wrap my head around it at some point. I hope?

I know that God is sovereign and that He has a plan for all that He does, but sometimes I wish I could have changed the timing of my parents' death simply because I am left with so many unanswered questions and unresolved or unfinished dreams in regard to them. Sometimes I cry because I was not able to give them all of the things that I wanted them to have. I watched them suffer in a health care system that had no respect for their deep belief in a God that was bigger than their circumstance of sickness. That hurts! I feel like my parents are like the Saints in the Bible. Hebrews Chapter 11 talks about all of God's people who died in faith never having received all of their promises but they still knew that God was faithful to perform His promises to them. Of course, God did make Abraham the father of many nations but he did not live to see that promise totally fulfilled. I feel like that is my parents' story too.....and sometimes that hurts. When I have these thoughts, my logical side kicks in and says that is not a worry anymore as God will reward them now. Just because I was not able to see them get their rewards, does not mean that they will not be rewarded. Of course not! I am sure I think way too much. Lol!

Ok, now for the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining- Not at all.

Acceptance- Yes, just questions from time to time.

Anger- No, just unbelief.

Denial- No, I am fully aware and I have come to terms with the death of both my parents.

Depression- Getting better and determined to win!

Day 104

Footprints of Death...............

Today is a good day. Again, it was another beautiful day in Los Angeles. I have a couple of pressing issues in my life but when I see the beautiful day I feel hopeful that everything will turn out just fine.

It has almost been 5 months since I lost my Dad and surprisingly I am in a good place emotionally. I know that this progress is due to God's grace and my willingness to address my feelings and not simply ignore them. I am just wondering what the future holds for me now. I sure would like to know.

I am thinking that I may not need to write my grief feelings here too often as those feelings are diminishing.

Now for the BAADD(5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining- Not at all.

Acceptance- Totally.

Anger- None.

Denial- No, just unbelief.

Depression- Feeling much better.

Day 103

Footprints of Death...............

Today was a beautiful day in Los Angeles! It was a perfect picturesque day. I would have loved to have gone sailing on a day like today. I just love the water.

Tonight, I will go right into the BAADD(5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining- No.

Acceptance-Totally.

Anger-No manifestations or passive-aggressive anger.

Denial-No, just unbelief.

Depression-Improving everyday.

Day 102

Footprints of Death...............

Today was a beautiful day! Nothing more to report.

In terms of the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process, I also have nothing new to report. Good night!

Day 101

Footprints of Death...............

I was just thinking of words that would describe how this day was for me, meaning how I approached the day. The words that come to mind are:

persistence, faith, commitment, promise, persuasiveness, confidence. Although faced with challenges today, I relied on these words as well as the actions of the words in order to endure. Growth is uncomfortable but so is not growing, so I would rather be uncomfortable in growth than to be comfortable in non-growth (weak smile). Sorry for the tangent, but that was heavy on my heart.

Anyway, I better go through the BAADD(5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining- Not at all.

Acceptance- Totally, I accept the death of both of my parents.

Anger- No manifestations or seething passive aggressiveness.

Denial- Not at all. I am aware of the grief process but determined not to be overcome by it. However, the first stage in overcoming anything is to first acknowledge the problem.

Depression-Doing better and fighting my way out.

Day 100 -Milestone

Footprints of Death...............

Today was a good day despite some pressures. Dealing with my grief process and dealing with the pressures of life seem to push me further and further into reliance and relationship with my God, whom I call Jesus Christ. I am in a "new season" of challenge, it seems that I am not being challenged in the same way as I used to, but the challenges are still there. I just do not feel as "challenged." I actually feel like God continues to lift the load off of me even when the challenges attempt to make me doubt that God has my circumstances under control. Amazing (soft smile).

I am glad that I am having the opportunity to do new things. I am able to try things that I have always dreamed of trying but never felt free or financially secure enough to try them. Now, I just jump toward my goal with no regard of failure. I love it!!!!

The grieving process is improving for me. I do not feel that deep numbness that I felt four months ago. I do not believe that I am completely out of the woods because I have some days when I miss my parents immensely, but amazingly I feel like they are close to me in spirit. These days, when I need my parents' advice, I close my eyes and think about the advice that they have given me in the past. If I am still not sure that the advice fits my particular situation, I wait on the idea and take it into prayer, then if I still do not feel like I have enough clarity to go forward, then I usually do not take it any further. I realize more now than ever that TIMING is everything. Even if I really want to do something I WILL NOT because I believe that in order to have God's favor I have to move in HIS time and not my own. There's a scripture in the Bible that says, "Obedience is better than sacrifice." Now I think that I understand what that means. Lol!

O.k. I better run through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process.

Bargaining- Not at all, my parents are no longer on this earth.
Acceptance- Totally.
Anger- No manifestations. No seething anger either.
Denial- No, just unbelief from time to time.
Depression- I am doing better and determined to win!

Reference:

Barone, James E. & Ivy, Michael (2004). Resident Hours. The Five Stages of Grief. Journal of the Association of American Medical Colleges 79(5), 379-380.

Day 99

Footprints of Death...............

All I can say for today is that I am grateful. I am grateful....

I will check in with my BAADD (5 stages of grief) process tomorrow.

Day 98

Footprints of Death...............

I am blessed, I am a conquerer, I am victorious. Today was a good day but there was something weird about it for me. I feel like I am liminal (between 2 worlds). I cannot explain it, but I just feel like I am right on the threshold of complete change but I just have to make it to one more point. I just want to move to where ever I need to be right now, but that's usually not how progress works, progress is a process.

Today I had a dental appointment so once I got home I was just exhausted from the picking and prodding etc. I love my dentist but I never like the work that needs to be done.

Well, I better check-in with myself on the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining- Not at all.

Acceptance- Totally.

Anger-None and no manifestations. :)

Denial- No just unbelief that both of my parents are gone.

Depression- I am doing much better.

Day 97

Footprints of Death...............

Wow!  What an incredibly busy day, but I am so glad to have something to do rather than to be idle.

Anyway, the grief process is going well today.  I did not feel uptight, angry, depressed, or overly emotional.  I am just riding steady in the land of emotion. Lol!

In terms of the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process, I better check-in for the day.

Bargaining- Not at all.

Acceptance- Totally.

Anger- Not at all.

Denial- No, just unbelief from time to time that both are my parents are gone.

Depression- Doing much better.  I still see the metaphoric sunlight.

Day 96

Footprints of Death...............

Today was an amazing day. I got up late and got dressed quickly for church. Today was the last day of my church's 2nd year anniversary so Bishop Alfred Owens preached today. He was awesome!!!!

I feel as though I am doing better emotionally. The despair and depression that I felt four months ago has disappeared for the most part. I am able to experience joy again. If you had asked me four months ago if I would ever feel joy, I would have certainly said, "No!" I thank God for healing my heart's issues and making me whole again.

I will quickly go through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining- Not at all. My parents have passed on therefore no one to bargain with. Lol!

Acceptance- Totally.

Anger- No manifestations, no seething unspoken anger either.

Denial- Nope.

Depression- Doing much better. My days are sunlit again.

Day 95

Footprints of Death...............

Today was an interesting day. I had a strong sense of wonder that I have not had in a long while. Today, I was wondering about how my life will play out in the absence of my parents. Where will I end up? What will I do in my career? Do I like the direction that I am going in now? What does life hold for me? Despite all of these questions in my mind I still feel a sense of anticipation. It's kinda hard to envision my life without the people that loved me the most being here to see it and or experience it with me. Weird, right?

Anyway, it's been over 4 months since my Dad passed away and it seems like time is flying. Some days it seems like time is moving way too fast for me because I would like to take more time and smell the daisies but I keep having to move faster than I would like.

Now for the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining- Not at all, I realize that both of my parents are gone.

Acceptance- Totally.

Anger- No. No manifestations or seething anger.

Denial-No, just unbelief.

Depression-Not so much, feeling better.

I intend to laugh, live, and love to the fullest despite temporary uncertainties. Lol!

Day 94

Footprints of Death...............

I was exhausted all day because I was up way too late last night so I missed checking-in.

I have been very busy lately and I love it. I am spending less and less time with thoughts and feelings of grief. I have come to terms with my parents' death and I feel less stressed knowing that neither of them have to suffer with diseases any longer.

I would like to check-in on the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining - Not at all, I know that my parents are no longer here.

Acceptance - Totally.

Anger - No seething pot anger, no manifestations, no feelings.

Denial - No, just unbelief.

Depression - I have come such a long way, I feel much better and I am so grateful.

Day 93

Footprints of Death...............

I missed last night. I will be back to write later.

Day 92

Footprints of Death...............

I am so tired I am going to sleep as I have nothing new to report regarding my grief process.

Day 91

Footprints of Death...............

Wow! It's 10:15pm and this is the first opportunity that I have had to relax. Believe me, I am not complaining. I appreciate doing something as opposed to doing nothing any day. What else would you expect from a Type A personality? Lol!

Since Dad's death in November I have been in "transition". I mean things have just been moving fast. Things and or people that should not be in my life for whatever reason have been removed. The removal of people has allowed me the much needed "mental clarity" that I have been praying for. Sometimes people clog and or completely inhibit my ability to fully enjoy my relationship with God and myself, which in turn caused me not reach my full mental, spiritual, and physical abilities. Amazing how you do not notice the affect of their presence until they are gone. Thank God for miracles!

Today I was watching Pastor Creflo Dollar. He is my morning Pastor as he comes on from 6-6:30 am Monday thru Friday. He has been instrumental in helping to uplift my spirit, which in turn, uplifted my mind and body. Thanks Pastor Dollar! Pastor Bill Winston, who comes on Wednesday mornings at about 7:30 has been instrumental in building my faith which had a positive effect on my soul too. Many thanks to Pastor Winston! These men that God uses to speak to me through their television ministries have helped me get through the grieving process. Despite how awful I may have felt during these past four months, keeping my spirit alive and well-fed, kept me alive and hopeful so that my tomorrow would be better than my metaphoric yesterday.

Well, I better visit the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining- Not at all. I accept and realize that both of parents are with the Lord now.

Acceptance- I accept the death of my parents.

Anger- No, and no manifestations.

Denial- No, just unbelief.

Depression- Doing better.

Day 90

Footprints of Death...............

Today was so busy. I went to church this morning then went to an evening service especially for women. It was nice.

I am exhausted at this point and I really need sleep so I will run quickly through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process.

Bargaining- Not at all.

Acceptance- Totally.

Anger- No manifestations.

Denial - No, just unbelief.

Depression - Doing better.

Day 89

Footprints of Death...............

This was such a busy week. It went by so quickly.

Today was a good day, I was walking down the street and l was looking around at the beautiful day. Suddenly, I missed my parents. There was a sudden realization that I am parentless. I did not feel pain because of this realization but I did feel a sense of loss. It just amazes me that people can be on this earth and be in relationship with us, love us, support us, etc....then in what seems like an instance, they can be swept away without a trace of their physicality. Still mind blowing to me.

I think that I better check in on the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining- Not at all.

Acceptance- Totally accept my parents death but I do not like it.

Anger - No anger and manifestations.

Denial- No, just unbelief.

Depression- Not like before, doing better.

Day 88

Footprints of Death...............

Sorry I missed writing yesterday. I was so tired I went to bed early. I'll be back later to check in.

Day 87

Footprints of Death...............

Today was way too busy. I am so tired. I will check in on my emotions tomorrow. Good night!

Day 86

Footprints of Death...............

Today was an amazingly busy day. I am glad that it ended well.

I am a little tired but I feel good. I feel like myself again.

Now for the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process for the night (drum roll please).

Bargaining- Not at all.

Acceptance- Totally.

Anger- No manifestations.

Denial- I've accepted the death of my parents.

Depression- Doing better.

Day 85

Footprints of Death...............

Today was excessively busy. I did as much as I possibly could but did not come close enough to reach the other 20 items that needed my attention. Lol! Oh well, I'll be sure to get it done tomorrow. Right? Well, at least I will do my best.

It feels good to have a short break from school. Usually, after a long day I would have to do school work plus all of the other mundane household tasks that need to be done, but right now I am having "me" time. "Me" time is a very interesting idea and I think I like it (laughing).

Feelings of grief feel distant. I am grateful. I have been aware of my feelings and I am starting to feel relatively whole again. I enjoy being around friends and social settings again.

Now for the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining- Not at all, my parents are gone.

Acceptance - Totally.

Anger - No manifestations.

Denial - No, just unbelief.

Depression - Seems to have lifted.

Day 84

Footprints of Death...............

I had a very relaxing weekend because I finished my winter session class. Yay! I found myself taking a nap for no reason. There is no greater joy than an unexpected nap (big smile). Yesterday, I went to my Niece's 13th birthday party. I think that I had more fun than the kids did.

I am working on a few personal projects that I have always wanted to do but never had the opportunity. I am excited about them.

My feelings of grief have dissipated for the most part. I mean there are moments throughout the day that remind of my parents. In certain situations, I hear my parents give me their advice, I think that is such a blessing to be able to hear their voices when I need them most. In my personal life, I am in a season of transition. Many things around my life have died within the last six months which makes me a little anxious about what is next. I find myself asking too many questions about how life will turn out for me. I ask who, what, when, where, and how way too much. I wish I could just shut up and relax sometimes but I'll blame it on my typical Type A personality. Lol!

Moving on to the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining - Not at all, my parents have passed away and I understand that.

Acceptance- Totally.
Anger- No manifestations, no seething anger either.
Denial- No, just unbelief from time to time.
Depression- Feeling better.

Reference:

Barone, James E. & Ivy, Michael (2004). Resident Hours. The Five Stages of Grief. Journal of the Association of American Medical Colleges 79(5), 379-380.

Day 83

Footprints of Death...............

I was having so much fun yesterday I forgot to blog. I'll be back today. :)

Day 82

Footprints of Death...............

Great day! Good news emerged for me. I got a good final grade in my Epidemiology class. I am so glad that the class is over and that I did well.

This week went by really fast. I cannot believe that it is Friday already. Tonight I feel like checking in on my emotions. Mentally, I'm feeling ready to tackle my next ventures both educationally and career wise. Spiritually, I am feeling energized and ready to do great things that will bring positive change to the world. Physically, I am feeling low energy because I have not worked out in a few days. Why? Because I had my hair done and I refused to sweat my hair out. I usually don't care about sweating my hair out, but this hairstyle was so beautiful I wanted to see it for a while.

Now for the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining- Not at all.

Acceptance- Totally.

Anger - No manifestations. I do not feel angry due to the loss of my parents.

Denial- No, just unbelief.

Depression- Doing much better.

I must continue to laugh, live, and love often and intentionally.

Day 81

Footprints of Death...............

Today was interesting. I am relieved about a situation that was finally resolved after years. Yay! I am excited about a new venture that I started today. I had an idea for years that I promised myself I would follow-up on, but family responsibilities did not allow me the opportunity. One of my favorite poems by Langston Hughes is called, "A Dream Deferred." Whenever I felt like I would never live my dreams, his poem always gave me hope. I am glad that I can now live my dreams.

I do not have anything else to talk about. I am feeling better emotionally and I am feeling like my usual "driven" self. Thank God!

Now for the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining- Not at all, I have accepted the loss of both of my parents.

Acceptance- Yes, totally.

Anger-No manifestations, I am not upset about anything. I feel calm.

Denial- No, just unbelief.

Depression- Not anymore, feeling much better.

Day 80

Footprints of Death...............

I am so sorry I cannot believe I missed yesterday.

Day 79

Footprints of Death...............

I had a very interesting day. I am without words as I feel for the people of Haiti and Chile. My prayers go out to them because there are certain situations that only God can heal.

I think I better go right into the BAADD(5 stages of grief) process for the day:

Bargaining- Not at all, I realize that my parents are gone.
Acceptance - Totally.
Anger - No manifestations, the anger has subsided.
Denial - Not at all.
Depression -Feeling much better. Thanks God!

Day 78

Footprints of Death...............

Today was busy as usual. Mondays just seem to fly by, which is always a good thing. I am recouperating from weeks of studying and juggling other projects. I am just plain ole tired. Whew! I am tired, but I have "no complaints". I am grateful for all that I do and do not have. I have all that I need and some of my wants. I am grateful.

My heart goes out to the people of Chile and Haiti. My prayers are constantly with them. I lived through the Northridge Earthquake of 1994 and I know what it is like to have your home, your stability, and your things taken away from you in an instant. I remember how I felt during that earthquake when we had no restrooms or the use of any of the modern conveniences that we in America have grown accustomed to. We all need to count our blessings and pray for those who have experienced a loss of anything (loved one, health, home, etc). I encourage everyone to take five minutes out each day and pray for someone other than yourself. I have found that praying for someone else helps me to forget about my own problems. Try it, see if it works for you. You know the old saying, "Nothing ventured, nothing gained." Lol!

Now for the BAADD (5 stages of grief process):

Bargaining -Not at all, my parents are gone and I am coming to terms with that.
Acceptance- I fully accept their physical absence.
Anger- No, but I do get angry when I believe someone is trying to forcefully take something from me. Whew!
Denial- No, just unbelief from time to time.
Depression- Feeling much better. The dark cloud has moved back.

Reference:

Barone, James E. & Ivy, Michael (2004). Resident Hours. The Five Stages of Grief. Journal of the Association of American Medical Colleges 79(5), 379-380.