Day 134

Footprints of Death...............

Life is moving so quickly.  Sometimes I feel like it is moving without me.  It's been five months since Dad passed away and it's still a surreal feeling. 

The acronym that I created about death was D.E.A.T.H  which I termed as Decreasing External Activities That Hinder.  Death gives us enough pause in life to see what is really important.  What's really important is relationship with God, relationship with family, relationship with friends, and relationships in general.  That's what's important.  This is the simple lesson that death has taught me....so in this regard death's footprint was not all bad.

Have a great night!

Day 133

Footprints of Death...............


I am so exhausted it's hard to have any other thoughts.  I'm moving forward even if I am making small snail like movements.  I am looking for a new season when I am free to just laugh and smile because things are great......they will be great, right?  That's what I am hoping for, .....greatness.  


For those experiencing grief, it's alright to take the healing process slow. Some days you will feel great and somedays you will long for the past that you once had with your loved one.  Believe me, I know.


As I write this blog, I am thinking of Psalms 23 which is a great comfort to me these days.  


Have a great night!

Day 132

Footprints of Death...............

I can't believe I missed yesterday. I'll be back today.

Day 131

Footprints of Death...............


Today was a difficult day to say the least.  I had a moment....a big one.  I was met with a dilemma and I would have given anything to obtain the advice of one or both of my parents, but I could not.  The feeling of aloneness hit me like a 2000 ton truck.  I was saddened!  


Just then, I felt God comforting my heart and I had a sense of his love in that instant.  I feel better but the human bond that God allows us to have with our loved ones is an amazing gift.  If you have your loved ones treasure the moments.


Good night!  I'm confident that tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 130

Footprints of Death...............


A beautiful Sunday today (weather wise).  


I felt a little weird today because my family and I are deciding how we are going to celebrate for my Dad's birthday on May 24th, he would have been 72 this year.  This is the first birthday he will not be here for.  Interesting?  Last year, we sang songs while my Dad joined in singing.  


I must say I am still having a hard time adjusting to the fact that my Dad and Mom are gone, but I grapple with filling the void that their loss has created.  Everyday, I pray that God fills that void for me so that I don't find something distracting or harmful to fill the void with myself.  My defense mechanism to combat this issue is to stay close to home and write.  Writing helps me to express my feelings and figure out how I feel about things that I may never make audible.


I'm tired now (low energy).  Have a good night!

Day 129

Footprints of Death...............

Today is a beautiful spring day.  I absolutely love seeing the clear skies and the picturesque mountains.  I appreciate God even more when I see his beautiful creations.  


It's hard for me to believe that it's been six months since my Dad passed away.  Five months ago, I never would have believed that I would be "back to normal" because I was in such shock by the realization that I was parent-less. These days I spend my time going to school, working on projects, and working toward the dreams that I have been deferred.  


I have always heard people say that when something dies in your life something news is born.  I can attest to the fact that this is true.  I lost both of my parents but I gained the sense of knowing that God is my Father and that he is faithful to take care of me.  


Wishing everyone a wonderful and safe Saturday.  Enjoy life because tomorrow is not promised. 

Day 128

Footprints of Death...............


This week was ridiculously long. I am soooo glad that it is over.  I would write more but I am fatigued.  


The feelings of grief are almost a distant memory.  I hope that anyone who is experiencing the loss of a loved one will enjoy a speedy healing process too. 


Remember to laugh, live, and love.




P.S. For tips on my daily life experiences since the loss of my Dad, visit me @ www.journeywithjudith.com.

Day 127

Footprints of Death...............

Feeling well.  Very tired.  I will emote more this weekend. Lol!

Day 126

Footprints of Death...............

I don't have much to say. Today was a good day. No complaints, however, I am tired.  Good night.

Day 125

Footprints of Death...............


Today was a little weird.  The day started out well and I felt like it was going to be an easy day.  Then without warning I was thrown a curve ball.  At first I tried to ignore the issue, then finally I just planted my feet and dealt with the issue.  Have you ever had an issue that you wished would just go away?  Yea, me too and that's how I felt today.


There have been so many deaths around me that I am starting to feel a little numb again.  I feel as if the grief process is my own when I hear of someone else's loss.  I truly give my condolences to all of those who have lost a loved one.   I understand your pain.  The pain of grief is one that only God and time can heal.  


Have a restful night!

Day 124

Footprints of Death...............

I am so glad I made it through today, Monday.  My energy felt low all day for some reason.  I am too tired for further explanation.  Good night.

Day 123

Footprints of Death...............

I was just thinking about how much my feelings have changed since I first created the BAADD (5 stages of grief) acronym in November when I first began to blog.  Back then I was angry, depressed, discouraged, disappointed, and pretty much DONE due the loss of my mom 10 years prior and the loss of my Dad 11/10/2009.  I had no idea how I would go on, in fact, I had no desire to go on.

Today, I am feeling so much much better and God has done a phenomenal healing in my emotions.  I feel excited about the future again and I know that the ones that I lost are somewhere cheering me on.  Some days I sense their (my parents) presence so strongly, some days when I am about to make an important decision, I hear their voices.  I so appreciate the guidance of God and my parents because without it I am not sure where I would be.

For anyone who has just lost a loved one and you are feeling BAADD, please know that these feelings will not last if you can just persevere through them.  I also pray that God gives you peace and allows you to sleep restfully.

Remembering to laugh, live, and love!

Day 122

Footprints of Death...............

I was not feeling well when I awoke this morning. I just felt awful.  Today I had plans to spend time with family  but could not attend because I did not feel well.  As the day progressed I felt much better.

In regard to personal progress, I have been working hard on a personal dream.  I am confident that my idea will be successful.  I think my dream is a much needed idea these days.

In regard to grief I am alright.  I retired the BAADD (5 stages of grief) acronym because I don't feel that way anymore.  I am still taking the healing process one day at a time.

Day 121

Footprints of Death...............

I am sooo tired.  I'm gonna turn in. I'll check back tomorrow.

Day 120

Footprints of Death...............

I am in constant transition.  Today, I was quiet and I have pulled myself away from things and people as I feel the need to do so.  I was motivated to cultivate new friendships and do new things but I suddenly feel the need to retreat and just be still.  I try to listen to my spiritual side whenever I hear it speak.....so I am being still.  I believe that God has my best interest at heart and he will make His Will for my life clear.  Sorry, I don't know where that came from, but I had to say it.

I am taking things one day at a time.  I am learning to trust God for everything.  I must admit that this is a scary place to be because I am so used to doing things for myself and for others.  It is unusual for me to be the recipient of or in need of help myself.  I despise needing help.  This season of rebuilding after grief has helped me to become more comfortable with understanding that it is o.k. to need and be helped.  So many people have been a great emotional support to me during this time.  The "new" me understands that I had to admit that I needed emotional support.  After I accepted that reality, I accepted the help...and I am glad that I did.   I am just grateful for where I am today emotionally.  I had a mental picture of myself today.  When my Dad passed away 5 months ago I felt like a big open wound.  Today, I saw myself as a wound healing nicely with a scar that's nearly closed.  That picture made me happy.

Day 119

Footprints of Death...............


I'll check in quickly.  I have been very busy working on a life-long dream of mine.  I am elated by the opportunity to finally do what I love, but I am saddened by the fact that my neither of my parents are here to see my work.  Bittersweet to say the least.


I wish I could advise everyone to love those around you and do not sweat the small stuff.  Life is short, let's enjoy it!


Good night!

Day 118

Footprints of Death...............

I missed yesterday.  I'll be back later.

Day 117

Footprints of Death...............


Today marks the end of an era for me.   There are things and people that you need to let go of sometimes.  Today I let go of both and I am sure that this transition is for the best.


In terms of grief, I am feeling good today. I am just trying to move into the direction of my destiny.  I know that I will be successful this time. 


See ya later!

Day 116

Footprints of Death...............


Today was a good day.  I had a singing audition.  I think that it went well but we will see.  


I have heard that death is a part of life in theory but dealing with the aftermath of death has taught me that sometimes death comes so that something new can be born.  I just feel like it's a new season for me. I have spent most of my life caring for my parents at different times, now I have the opportunity to live for myself.  Still weird for me but I am getting used to it. 


Until next time, I will continue to laugh, live, and love.

Day 115

Footprints of Death...............


This week was simply amazing as I watched God single-handedly work out a very important situation that I was dealing with.  Thank God!


Like most people these days, I am in constant transition but I am being mindful not to bury my feelings and move so fast that I lose sight of myself.  I am noticing that many people are dealing with so many personal and financial losses that it is getting harder for people to cope.  I do not profess to have all of the answers, but I do know that a relationship with God has helped me immensely while dealing with the lowest and most devastating times of my life. 


In terms of grief, I am not feel the intense feelings of grief too much anymore.  Right now I am experiencing the good memories and the lessons that both of my parents imparted to me before they passed away.  Those thoughts and reminders are very comforting because I know that I was loved by my parents and no matter what, the love that we shared will never change not even in death.  That still amazes me when I conceptualize that thought.


As for the BAADD (5 stages of grief) acronym I am going to retire this today because I think that I have moved past these stages of grief.  I could be wrong and if I am I will resurrect the idea, but for now I have resolved the initial bargaining, acceptance, anger, denial, and depression that is associated with loss.  I am still a work in progress but feeling good about my progress. 

Day 114

Footprints of Death...............

Wow, a very interesting day, so much so I am completely exhausted. I'll check in tomorrow. Good night!

Day 113

Footprints of Death...............

Today was a day of surprises. I was expecting one thing and got another. It was a good thing but it's just weird how I can never predict how things will turn out but somehow they always turn out o.k.

Life is moving pretty swiftly and using this blog to deal with my feelings of grief has been helpful. I no longer feel the intense feeling of despair and loss. Holidays without my parents are a little tough, but I am learning how to manage these days a little better.

In terms of the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process, I think that I am doing pretty well.

Bargaining- Not at all, I know that both of my parents have passed away.

Acceptance- Totally.

Anger- Not at all.

Denial- No, just unbelief at times.

Depression- Doing much better.

Day 112

Footprints of Death...............

Today was so busy I had no time to think of grief. I think at this point I just miss my parents. The days leading up to the holidays are worse than the actual holidays. It seems that holidays in this country are designed to show you what you do not have and how much you are missing. It's kinda of mean to do that to people.

Anyway, I will go through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining- Not at all.

Acceptance- Totally.

Anger- Not at all.

Denial- No, just unbelief.

Depression- Getting better.

Day 111

Footprints of Death...............

I am as tired as tired can be. I missed yesterday as a result of having way too much fun with family on Sunday.

Day 110

Footprints of Death...............

Easter Sunday was so much fun which is why I did not blog yesterday. I spent time with friends and family and I had fun. To most this would not seem like such a big deal, but I have not been very social for the past 5 to 10 years or so. With school, work, a disabled parent, and other sick relatives I got used to not going anywhere and staying close to home. I guess I was bracing for the next set of bad news back then. In many ways I kinda stopped living but I do not intend to do that again ever. Anyway, this was the first Easter without my Daddy so it was nice to be surrounded by loved ones. Life is short so please forgive and love those in your lives. ....that's my renewed goal in life.

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Easter. Easter or Resurrection Day is about Jesus being raised from the dead for our sins. I am glad that Jesus made this sacrifice for me. Have a great day and remember to laugh, love, and live abundantly.

Day 109

Footprints of Death...............

Today was another beautiful day. Life is good despite certain challenges. I hope that everything continues to change for the better.

Anyway, I feel o.k. so there's no reason to go over the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process.

Happy Resurrection Sunday tomorrow!

Day 108

Footprints of Death...............

Today was a great day! I am so amazed by the beauty of the day. I am not sure if I am just noticing the nature scenes that I live around, or if everything is really this beautiful. It's crazy! I am trying to figure out why things are so vividly colorful and alive. Maybe I am noticing everything with fresh eyes because I was TRULY depressed since the passing of my Mommy in 1999 and then I had a heavier episode in 2009 when my Daddy passed, but it seems like for the past 10 years I was living life in a dull fog or haze. I cannot fully explain how I feel but I am simply excited to wake up in the morning. I have always been driven, but this excitement has nothing to do with getting something new or having more money than I can spend in a lifetime (although that would be nice...lol), or driving the latest car. I am just happy for the first time in 10 years for the life that God has given me. Grateful is an inadequate word to explain exactly how I feel.

At any rate, the deep feelings of grief and loss are starting to lessen. Again, another example of God's mercy and grace towards me. I love Jesus! I cannot express how much my relationship with God has helped me through horrific times. Accepting God's son Jesus as my Lord and savior has changed my life. In spite of all my losses, sicknesses, and hardships, I endured all of them because I was in communication with Jesus who kept encouraging me to "HOLD ON."

For anyone reading who feels in their heart of hearts that they are merely sucking in air and existing only to wake up to a new misery the next day, please understand that right now you are not emotionally well. You may be hurting from the death of a loved one. This is the time to fill your spiritual self up. I personally, have found that Jesus fills all voids and heals all wounds. The book of Psalms in the Bible was a great grief comfort for me. I know that He can do the same for you but you have to invite Him in. Tell God exactly how you feel because He hears you and He loves it when we acknowledge and speak to Him. Can you imagine how the people in our lives would feel if we never called them, never told them that we love them, and never ever showed concern or said thank you for the things that they have done and sacrificed for us? Me neither! But yet, we treat the God of the universe in this way. We pay him little attention when he is kind and powerful enough to make the sun to shine by day and the moon by night. He's sooooo amazing!

Well, since tonight is Good Friday I am not going to go through the BAADD process, I will say because Jesus rose on the third day I have hope that I can conquer any circumstance in my life and that includes the deep dark ugly robber called grief. How do I know? Because when Jesus died and rose again he took the keys of death, hell, and the grave from the devil so that you and I could have eternal life and no longer live under the curse of sin. Again, He is truly amazing.

Day 107

Footprints of Death...............

I do not have too much to say today. Doing well. As for the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process I will begin:

Bargaining- Not at all.

Acceptance-Totally.

Anger- No manifestations in a while.

Denial- No, just unbelief.

Depression- Getting better and determined to win.