Thursday, July 4, 2013

This Week I Grieved!

Footprints of Death...............



It's been a long while since I have posted about my personal losses.  Yay!  It has been nice to have a break from personal loss.

In the interim, I have been working diligently to finish my doctorate degree.  While working full-time, organizing an educational non-profit for needy Los Angeles area children, and working on my other entrepreneurial ventures I forgot to monitor the condition of my soul.

For the past month, I have found myself to be depressed, short-tempered, easily angered, and totally annoyed.  These characteristics are definitely uncharacteristic for me.  About three weeks ago, I had a crying spell and could not figure out why.  Believe me, I am not a Cryer.  I am a Thinker.....a Reasoner, and my most favorite charactistic...I am a Ponderer.  Two weeks ago, I started to pull back the layers of my soul in order to discover what was eating me up on the inside.  I talked to my personal Counselor who advised me to take time to do a few things that I love and stop worrying about what is bothering me.

Four days ago, I began to take my Counselor's advice.  I started writing again, which is why you are reading this blog, I started cooking, I started walking around discovering things in nature, and doing crossword puzzles.  Two days ago, I was doing nothing special.  I just had a big laugh while riding in a car with my Sister.  I started talking to her very casually about what I had been going through in my soul.  I explained to my sister that I have always planned things.  I told her how I pride myself of setting goals and keeping them.  I explained to her that I continue to live an orderly life that I enjoy and a life that makes sense........to me.  Next I said, "I think I am upset on the inside because  I was supposed to be ....... by now."  Just then, a light shone into my soul.  I FIGURED IT OUT!

I have never grieved the loss of the life that I thought that I should have had by now.  Sounds weird, right? At first I had to think about it for a day or so.  I realized that I have finally discovered the thing that was vexing my soul.  I have grieved and accepted the life that I have now.  I have asked my Creator to forgive me for being ungrateful for the life that I have by only focusing on the life that I thought I should have had by now. 

So, in the tradition of my very first blog in this series, I realized that I was experiencing BAADD (the 5 stages of grief), but I was unaware of it because I had not experienced the death of a person lately.  In case you have not read my earlier posts, I suggest that you do, so that you can understand what the acronym that I made up for the 5 stages of grief really means.

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