It's been a long while since I have posted about my personal losses. Yay! It has been nice to have a break from personal loss.
In the interim, I have been working diligently to finish my doctorate degree. While working full-time, organizing an educational non-profit for needy Los Angeles area children, and working on my other entrepreneurial ventures I forgot to monitor the condition of my soul.
For the past month, I have found myself to be depressed, short-tempered, easily angered, and totally annoyed. These characteristics are definitely uncharacteristic for me. About three weeks ago, I had a crying spell and could not figure out why. Believe me, I am not a Cryer. I am a Thinker.....a Reasoner, and my most favorite charactistic...I am a Ponderer. Two weeks ago, I started to pull back the layers of my soul in order to discover what was eating me up on the inside. I talked to my personal Counselor who advised me to take time to do a few things that I love and stop worrying about what is bothering me.
Four days ago, I began to take my Counselor's advice. I started writing again, which is why you are reading this blog, I started cooking, I started walking around discovering things in nature, and doing crossword puzzles. Two days ago, I was doing nothing special. I just had a big laugh while riding in a car with my Sister. I started talking to her very casually about what I had been going through in my soul. I explained to my sister that I have always planned things. I told her how I pride myself of setting goals and keeping them. I explained to her that I continue to live an orderly life that I enjoy and a life that makes sense........to me. Next I said, "I think I am upset on the inside because I was supposed to be ....... by now." Just then, a light shone into my soul. I FIGURED IT OUT!
I have never grieved the loss of the life that I thought that I should have had by now. Sounds weird, right? At first I had to think about it for a day or so. I realized that I have finally discovered the thing that was vexing my soul. I have grieved and accepted the life that I have now. I have asked my Creator to forgive me for being ungrateful for the life that I have by only focusing on the life that I thought I should have had by now.
So, in the tradition of my very first blog in this series, I realized that I was experiencing BAADD (the 5 stages of grief), but I was unaware of it because I had not experienced the death of a person lately. In case you have not read my earlier posts, I suggest that you do, so that you can understand what the acronym that I made up for the 5 stages of grief really means.
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