Footprints of Death...............
It's been such a long day. I am soooo tired. I finally took my Epidemiology final exam. It went well. I promise, I will resume blogging tomorrow but I have to go and rest right now (weak smile).
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Day 76
Footprints of Death...............
OMG! I cannot believe I missed blogging yesterday. I am so sorry but I had to take my final. I did well on the final though. I will resume my blogging today.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Day 76
Footprints of Death...............
Again, I am exhausted so I do not have time to recap the day. However, I am doing well otherwise. I am still preparing for finals so forgive my shortness but if I do not receive my full 7 hours of sleep at night I am not a nice woman. Lol!
So, here we go with the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process for the night:
Bargaining -Not at all.
Acceptance- Totally.
Anger- No unwarranted manifestations, feeling "normal".
Denial - No, just unbelief.
Depression- Feeling better.
Reference:
Again, I am exhausted so I do not have time to recap the day. However, I am doing well otherwise. I am still preparing for finals so forgive my shortness but if I do not receive my full 7 hours of sleep at night I am not a nice woman. Lol!
So, here we go with the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process for the night:
Bargaining -Not at all.
Acceptance- Totally.
Anger- No unwarranted manifestations, feeling "normal".
Denial - No, just unbelief.
Depression- Feeling better.
Reference:
Barone, James E. & Ivy, Michael (2004). Resident Hours. The Five Stages of Grief. Journal of the Association of American Medical Colleges 79(5), 379-380.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Day 75
Footprints of Death...............
Today was a heavy project day but despite the pressures of the day I am still feeling inspired.
I wonder does anyone else feel inspired for no apparent reason? I am not sure if I am alone on this but it would be nice to find out that I am not. Lol!
I am gearing up for finals. I am tired, but I have to persevere. Whew!
Well, I really have to go so I better run through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process.
Bargaining - Not at all.
Acceptance - Totally.
Anger - No, not today.....but if I am pushed I will handle a situation with dignity and move forward.
Denial - No, just unbelief.
Depression - Feeling so much better!
Reference:
Barone, James E. & Ivy, Michael (2004). Resident Hours. The Five Stages of Grief. Journal of the Association of American Medical Colleges 79(5), 379-380.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Day 74 -"The Godspot"
Footprints of Death...............
This morning I was a little nervous because I had to perform on a new project and I was concerned about whether or not I would be successful at it. Despite my hesitation and apprehension, the day went well. I was successful at a project that I had never done before. God is always great! Oprah Winfrey says a phrase that I love and believe, "God always dreams a bigger dream for us than we can dream for ourselves." These days when I petition God for something, I ask Him for what I want, then I say, "But do as you will and how you will," in perfect God form he always gives me ABOVE and BEYOND what I have asked of Him. Do you know anyone else like that? I know, me neither. Lol!
Today's victory is one that I would have loved to share with my parents. They were both so supportive of me in everything that I endeavored. I never once heard them say, "You can't do that!" or "That will never work!" They always said pray about it and trust God to help you. Wise words from two very wise people. I love you Mommy and Daddy. In my parents physical absence, God has truly made himself apart of my life. I feel his love everyday, just like I used to feel my parents love. I still feel their love but the physical aspect is gone and sometimes that can be hard to fathom. I know that God is watching me and is with me and His love brings me great comfort, which makes it virtually impossible to continue in the state of grief (huge smile).
There is a place inside of me that no mother, father, sister, brother, friend, or lover can fill. I like to call it the Godspot because He seems to know what I need and when I need it without me speaking a word. I am so grateful, I am so honored that He loves me, and for that I am determined to share His love with others.
Now, it's time to see how I am doing in the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:
Bargaining - Not at all
Acceptance -Totally, my parents are physically gone.
Anger - Not so much now, no manifestations, except when somone tries to take something from me, especially since I am only 3 months away from losing my Dad. Whew!
Denial -Not at all, just unbelief from time to time.
Depression - I can metaphorically see the breaking of day.
This morning I was a little nervous because I had to perform on a new project and I was concerned about whether or not I would be successful at it. Despite my hesitation and apprehension, the day went well. I was successful at a project that I had never done before. God is always great! Oprah Winfrey says a phrase that I love and believe, "God always dreams a bigger dream for us than we can dream for ourselves." These days when I petition God for something, I ask Him for what I want, then I say, "But do as you will and how you will," in perfect God form he always gives me ABOVE and BEYOND what I have asked of Him. Do you know anyone else like that? I know, me neither. Lol!
Today's victory is one that I would have loved to share with my parents. They were both so supportive of me in everything that I endeavored. I never once heard them say, "You can't do that!" or "That will never work!" They always said pray about it and trust God to help you. Wise words from two very wise people. I love you Mommy and Daddy. In my parents physical absence, God has truly made himself apart of my life. I feel his love everyday, just like I used to feel my parents love. I still feel their love but the physical aspect is gone and sometimes that can be hard to fathom. I know that God is watching me and is with me and His love brings me great comfort, which makes it virtually impossible to continue in the state of grief (huge smile).
There is a place inside of me that no mother, father, sister, brother, friend, or lover can fill. I like to call it the Godspot because He seems to know what I need and when I need it without me speaking a word. I am so grateful, I am so honored that He loves me, and for that I am determined to share His love with others.
Now, it's time to see how I am doing in the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:
Bargaining - Not at all
Acceptance -Totally, my parents are physically gone.
Anger - Not so much now, no manifestations, except when somone tries to take something from me, especially since I am only 3 months away from losing my Dad. Whew!
Denial -Not at all, just unbelief from time to time.
Depression - I can metaphorically see the breaking of day.
Reference:
Barone, James E. & Ivy, Michael (2004). Resident Hours. The Five Stages of Grief. Journal of the Association of American Medical Colleges 79(5), 379-380.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Day 73
Footprints of Death...............
Wow, I am so completely exhausted! Finals weeks. Grrrrr! I'll be fine I know but it is a physical and mental sacrifice. When I was younger I seemed to not feel the late night studying, etc.
Funny story, I was out the other day and my cell phone rang. All of sudden my stomach dropped and I was struck with terror. I briefly said, "Oh God, I hope this is not a bad call about Daddy being rushed to the hospital or that he died." As soon as I looked down, I realized that my Daddy already died and I don't have to worry about him anymore. I am relieved. For over 30 years I have been afraid by the terror that another bad thing (sickness, accident, etc) had happened to one or both of my parents. Now both myself and my parents can rest. God is amazing!
I will go through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process as I promised myself:
Bargaining- Not at all.
Acceptance -Totally, I am getting used to the idea that I don't have living parents, it causes me to rely more heavily on God.
Anger - No, manifestations.
Denial - No, just unbelief from time to time.
Depression - Amazingly, I am feeling better. Thank God!
Wow, I am so completely exhausted! Finals weeks. Grrrrr! I'll be fine I know but it is a physical and mental sacrifice. When I was younger I seemed to not feel the late night studying, etc.
Funny story, I was out the other day and my cell phone rang. All of sudden my stomach dropped and I was struck with terror. I briefly said, "Oh God, I hope this is not a bad call about Daddy being rushed to the hospital or that he died." As soon as I looked down, I realized that my Daddy already died and I don't have to worry about him anymore. I am relieved. For over 30 years I have been afraid by the terror that another bad thing (sickness, accident, etc) had happened to one or both of my parents. Now both myself and my parents can rest. God is amazing!
I will go through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process as I promised myself:
Bargaining- Not at all.
Acceptance -Totally, I am getting used to the idea that I don't have living parents, it causes me to rely more heavily on God.
Anger - No, manifestations.
Denial - No, just unbelief from time to time.
Depression - Amazingly, I am feeling better. Thank God!
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Day 72
Footprints of Death...............
Today was an interesting day. The weather was partly sunny and the the clouds rolled in. From my vantage point it was a beautiful sight amidst the mountains.
This week is jam packed with activity. I am in the midst of finals week and I have mixed emotions. I am glad that the class is almost over and I am a little anxious about the outcome. I don't know why I go through this when it comes to school when I have been in school for almost 20 years. Lol!
My feelings in regard to grief are pretty stable and for that I am extremely grateful.
Since it's late, I am going to run through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:
Bargaining - Not at all.
Acceptance - Totally.
Anger - No manifestations.
Denial - Not at all.
Depression - Fighting my way out and determined to win!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Day 71
Footprints of Death...............
Saying that I am exhausted at this point is an understatement, so I won't say it. Lol! Finals are upon me so thoughts and feelings of grief are not prominent in my mind, as my focus is briefly averted.
As I promised myself early on in the blog, I will check in with myself in regard to how I am doing with the grief or BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:
Bargaining- Not at all.
Acceptance -Totally, my parents are gone.
Anger - No manifestations.
Denial- No, just unbelief from time to time.
Depression- Fighting my way out and determined to win!
Friday, February 19, 2010
Day 70
Footprints of Death...............
I am soooooooo exhausted I will just run through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process and where I am in the stages today.
Bargaining - Not at all. I understand that both of my parents are gone, no one to bargain with (smile).
Acceptance - Totally.
Anger- No manifestations today. No seething or suppressed anger either that I can identify. Yay!
Denial - No, just unbelief from time to time.
Depression -Fighting my out and determined to win!
Goodnight!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Day 69
Footprints of Death...............
Everyday is starting to get a little brighter and a little brighter. I feel as though I am walking out of a 100 foot deep pit that was so dark and so cold that I did not think that I would ever see my way out. The picture that I describe is the picture of grief. Grief has a way of making you feel like you are all alone in a sea of despair but God can heal the human heart of any pain and all we have to do is ask for his help, then allow Him to help. That always amazes me!!! God's power is amazing to me. There is no pit, no fear, no aloneness, no disease, no depression, no anger, no disillusionment, no uncertainty, no pain, and no heartbreak that my God cannot heal. I am eternally grateful.
Today, I had many little tasks to do. I am adamant to take small steps in the direction of my dreams as I am finally able to pursue them. As I have said before, I feel empowered by the strength that both of my parents left me to complete or fulfill my destiny. I have so many dreams that I have longed to fulfill but I always promised myself that I would never pursue my life and leave my parents behind to suffer. Never! I always thought of myself as a military commander in my family. Why? Because I refused to leave a man behind in this war called "life". When both of my parents were physically disabled I knew that I would not leave them to suffer alone, even if that meant that I sacrificed my own dreams. I must say I am glad that I made the decision to stay and support them in anyway that I could. I'm glad because I feel a sense of wholeness and a renewed faith in knowing that the things that I have always wanted to achieve, God has already prepared for me. He allowed me this time to mature enough to receive and to thrive in the destiny that He has prepared for me.....at least this is how I feel.
Now it is time to run through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:
Bargaining - Not at all.
Acceptance - Totally.
Anger - Not today, no manifestations.
Denial - No, just unbelief from time to time.
Depression - Fighting my way out and determined to win!
As always, I fully intend to laugh, live, and love intentionally.
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