Day 22

Footprints of Death...............

Today is the last day of 2009. I am so glad to waive this year goodbye. I was thinking about how tomorrow will mark the beginning of the next decade. Wow! Interesting thought. I was remembering when my Mom passed away it was October 30, 1999. From the point of her death, my Dad immediately got sicker until he passed on November 10, 2009. While reminiscing just now, I realized that for the first time I can face the next decade just thinking about my own life and what direction I need to take. Amazing. If I had my life to live all over again, I would not change a thing because making sacrifices for both my parents was truly my pleasure (big exhale). So, even though I am excited by the future I am still saddened by my losses and the uncertainty that loss brings.

I wish everyone a great 2010. I hope that all of us Grievers find the strength that we need to heal properly. I hope that once we are all healed from grief that we are able to go out into the world and help others who are hurting. It's o.k. for me to have my dreams, right? Lol!

Now for the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process. Let me check in.

Bargaining - Not at all.

Acceptance - Fully accepted my losses.

Anger - Not too much. No manifestations.

Denial - None, just unbelief.

Depression - Fighting my way out.

Please be careful tonight and drive safely and be aware of possible drunk drivers. I was in a car accident and I was hit by a drunk driver, thank God it was not fatal.

Remember to laugh, live, and love always because we never know what tomorrow holds.

Day 21

Footprints of Death...............

My condolences to gospel singer Tonex and his family for the recent loss of his Mom. As we all know death is something that we cannot control and even though we know that it can happen at any time, it's amazing how we are never ready for it. My condolences also to the Phillips Family for their loss.

Today was an interesting day. It was rainy and very cold. I felt like the future is going to be better than the pain of yesterday. I haven't had this kind of feeling in a long time. Nice!

Like I always say, we all have vices that we have the potential of turning to if we do not deal with our grief. My vices are "sweets". The really bad part is that I bake very well. Lol! I can bake anything just like my grandma used to do. In a lot of ways baking makes me happy because it reminds me of the times when my grandma and mother were alive. I remember how all of the women would gather in the kitchen and the older women would bond and share life stories about their husbands, their lives, and children. Anyway, although I have good memories about how sweets were used in my house, they are not good for me in abundance. Today, I had a few gummy bears and a bite of cake. I did not work out but I intend to do it tomorrow.

I have a question, is anyone else going through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process with me? If so, let me know and let me know where you are in your process. Hearing from other people who understand loss is very encouraging. Let's encourage one another!

Bargaining - I'm past this stage.

Acceptance -I think so.

Anger -No manifestations. I think I'm o.k. today.

Denial - Not denial but definitely unbelief.

Depression - still fighting my way out.

Remember to laugh, live, and love always.

Blog Comments

Footprints of Death...............

Hi Everyone:

It was brought to my attention that you all were unable to leave comments. I believe that I have fixed the problem. Please feel free to leave a comment. If you do not have a google email account you can choose the anonymous profile under comments, leave your comment and your first name if you like, then press post comment.

Thanks for reading the blog and I hope that it is helping you as much as it is helping me.

Remember to laugh, live, and love always.

Day 20 P.S.

Footprints of Death...............

I almost forgot to mention. I had no sweets today and I really did not want any. Yippee!!!

Day 20

Footprints of Death...............

Today I was thinking about the things that have happened to me this past week. It has been so weird. I have met several people who are dealing with the recent losses of loved ones. Each of the people said that they have NOT fully grieved the loss of loved one as they are trying to: continue with the activities of life, because they are busy, or because they don't want the people closest to them to know that they are in pain. Amazing. It's amazing how we can hide "grief" and the people closest to us never really know. What does that really say about the people around us? I guess it just says that the people closest to us either don't know how to handle such a serious topic or they are too busy with their own lives to notice. At any rate, this is truly something to ponder.

I hope that I keep dealing with my grief and I encourage everyone who has put off the grief process to come along with me and deal with the feelings that grief causes us to experience. Again, why am I doing this blog? I am doing this blog because I WILL NOT allow grief to deal with me by manifesting itself in other ugly ways (i.e. weight gain, anger, depression,etc). I will deal with grief in a daily and intentional way......AND I WILL WIN!!! How about you (smile)?

As for me, I spent time with a friend today. It was fun! We met today to clean out old things and prepare for new things. I wish him well!!!

Ok, it's time to run through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process. Here's where I am today.

Bargaining - Not at all.

Acceptance -Totally.

Anger - Not so much...at least no manifestations.

Denial - No, just unbelief that both my parents are gone.

Depression - Fighting my way out!!!!

Remember to laugh, live, and love always.

Day 19

Footprints of Death...............

Today was a better day. I felt some sort of relief. Yesterday, I met with wonderful ladies and we had a very powerful but unexpected conversation about grief. It was great! I explained my feelings to them in regard to the grief I am experiencing over the loss of both of my parents. I told them that for a minute I was not sure if I would make it, as an overwhelming sense of fear and aloneness (my own word, smile) tried to overtake me. I explained to them that I had gotten to the point where I was determined that these feelings of fear would NOT overtake me so I started to pray and quote scriptures from the Bible over myself...and within a few days those intense feelings disappeared.

Like everyone else, I still have to do my daily activities. Daily activities at this point, are just being done in an automatic state because I am taking the time to monitor my emotions so that I can move through this season of grief in a healthy way.

About the sweets, today I had a piece of pie, but no other sweets. I also went to the gym for 40 minutes so I am fine. I just wanted to be honest with myself as I DO NOT want to substitute eating sweets for actually dealing with grief. As I always say, if I don't deal with my grief, I am sure that it will deal with me. I refuse to let feelings of grief manifest in any other ways in my life or make me sick with arthritis or any other disease. NO WAY!!!!

Ok, it's that time again. Time to check in on where I am in the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process.

Bargaining - Not at all the deaths are done. God doesn't make mistakes. Lol!

Acceptance - Totally

Anger - No manifestations, I think I am much better.

Denial - I am not in denial..just very much in unbelief.

Depression - Fighting my way out.......

Remember to laugh, live, and love always.

Day 18 -Breathing

Footprints of Death...............

Today was a very good day. I spent time with a community of sisters and we talked about grief, life, God, and our personal struggles. After talking with other sisters in community I feel like I can breathe again. Thanks Ladies!!!

I believe that the time that I spent with these wonderful ladies today was God's way of showing me that He cares about me and I am not alone. I must admit siting down and talking about grief and how it personally affected each of us was very cathartic. It's so important to be able to talk about grief with people who understand what you are going through. If grief is not something that you have experienced you may not understand the importance of this. I suggest that all my readers who are experiencing grief, find a grief group where you can bear your soul about your grief experience and share how God is helping to see you through the daily struggle of dealing with grief vs. living life.

Sweets Update:

Today, I had 1 chocolate candy, a small candy cane piece, and piece of pie. Not too bad for a recovering "sweet" addict. I am sharing with you all that I did not meet my goal of having no sweets today. I hope to do better tomorrow especially after such a good day today. Today, I don't think I ate sweets because I craved sugar, I ate it just out of habit. I think this is a good distinction for me because I did not use the sugar to mask my grief.

Ok, now on to the BAADD (5 Stages of Grief) process checklist. Let's see how I am doing today:

Bargaining - Not at all.

Acceptance - Totally accepted.

Anger - No manifestations but I have withdrawn myself from others.

Denial - Not so much.

Depression - Fighting everyday......but I will win!!

Despite what life throws at us we still have to laugh, live, and love anyway.

Day 17

Footprints of Death...............

I must say that I absolutely love this season! It's the season in which I was born and I love it! Christmas is a wonderful time of the year for me to reflect on the birth of Jesus and thank him for his sacrifice to me. I also become more grateful around this time of the year too.

Christmas day was not as unbearable as I thought that it would be emotionally. In fact, I think that I only cried once when I had a memory of when my parents were alive and I remembered all of the hustle and bustle that would be going on in the house. Great times (big smile)! After a short stint of tears, I felt o.k. again. Grief is a weird experience, sometimes you can be fine and in a few short moments you can be crying uncontrollably. I never know what may trigger my emotions. Lately, I have been in a pool of my own tears when I hear certain songs, smell certain aromas, or hear certain phrases. Amazing!!! Anyway, I think that my personal grief process may be stronger right now due to all of the horrible things that other people are going through (i.e. job loss, terminal illness, unexpected deaths). My heart and prayers always go out to people that are hurting, in fact I wish I could help in really big, really practical ways.

In terms of the "sweets" issue I did have sweets yesterday and on Christmas eve as I was with family. I was aware of what I ate and I fully intend to get back on the straight and narrow by Sunday. I always like to be honest about where I am "right now" in life so that I do not inhibit my own future. Funny story: I had a person in my life that was close to me when I was growing up. This person always tried to give everyone advice about what they should do as a career, how to make more money, how to find a relationship etc. The funny thing is, when I looked at this person's life I realized they had no money, had never done anything to speak of themselves, and had very few good relationships. So, at about 16 yrs old, I decided that I would never listen to people that did not have evidence of their own advice in their own lives. Lol!

Lastly, it's time for the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process check-in:

Bargaining- Not at all.
Acceptance- Totally accepted my parents death.
Anger- No manifestations, no short fuse.
Denial- Not denial, just a little unbelief that they are really gone.
Depression-Working on it everyday.

If any of my readers would like to comment on any of the blogs, please feel free to comment at the bottom of the blog where it says "comments". I would enjoy it!


Please remember to laugh, live, and love often. Talk to ya soon!

Day 16

Footprints of Death...............

Merry Christmas! Happy Birthday Jesus. I wish for health and wholeness for the world.

Day 15

Footprints of Death...............

It's amazing how spending time with God and family can help you forget your troubles. I had a great time with family tonight. We played games, sang Christmas carols, ate, and had great fun. I love my family. Merry Christmas everyone!!!