Days 498-517

Footprints of Death...............

It's been such a long time since I've written, I almost don't know what to say.

First things first, I have been feeling pretty good.  I have a few stresses that I am believing God to give me the strength to defeat, but other than that I have no complaints.

In terms of grief, it seems to come and go at will.  There are some days, weeks, or months where I feel great and then out of no where I will hear a song, smell a scent, or have an experience that reminds me of the ones that I have lost.  This phenomenon is truly mind boggling to me but this is my journey and I fully intend to face it victoriously.

As usual,  I am going to go through the 5 stages of grief using the acronym that I created based on the stages of grief.

Bargaining- Not at all.  I have lost the loved ones already.
Acceptance- In my head I have accepted their losses but my heart may never understand these losses.
Anger- Sometimes.
Denial- Not at all.
Depression- At times, but I understand the emotion and try to move quickly past it.

I am continuing my journey and hope to do it laughing, living, and loving.

Days 496-497

Life & Times of ThatDudeDeon: Why I chose to release the song "I Just Want To He...: "I've been asked why I chose 'I Just Want To Hear You' for a single instead of other songs on my album..... Honestly..... This song was and..."

Footprints of Death...............

This song right now is getting me through tough times. This song blessed me and I hope that it may bless someone else. This song is available on itunes right now.

re: Days 487-495

Footprints of Death...............

Tonight's blog is short because I am at a loss for words.  My feelings are: tired, a bit drained, and ready for change.  On a lighter note, I am glad to be alive and to have another opportunity to experience God's grace.

As always, I intend to laugh, live, and love always and on purpose.

re: Days 485-486

Footprints of Death...............

I found out yesterday that I my best friend lost her Dad this past weekend (4/9-4/10/11).  I am beyond words right now.  Her Dad took my friend and I everywhere when we were kids.  He was always so supportive of my best friend and he was just a great human being.  I don't care how many times I have had to deal with death, I can never seem to prepare for it.  It just seems so final!  As a Christian, I do believe that I will have an opportunity to see loved ones again, but I just miss those that I love so much in this realm (earth), that those feelings cloud anything else.

Well, I am building myself up spiritually so that I can be there for my friend.  She will need me!  Because I love her, I will be there in any capacity that she may need me.

Remembering to laugh, live, and love always and with purpose.

Days 477-484

Footprints of Death...............

I am amazed at how I made it through this past week.  This past week was terrible.  I had some challenges and I just wished I could go home to my parents' house and curl up with them in the bed until I felt better.  As the youngest kid in my family or "the baby" I had a lot of alone time with my parents and they just had a way of making me feel loved and whole just by being in their presence.  I needed them this week but having them was not possible because they are no longer living.  This is/was tough!  Grief has a way of rearing its ugly head at the MOST unopportune times, but I am determined to admit my issues and defeat grief.

I better run through the 5 stages of grief for this past week.  Here's my self-made acronym for the 5 stages of grief BAADD:

Bargaining- Not at all, no one to bargain with.
Acceptance- My mind has accepted it but my heart has not.
Anger- Yes, this past week was rough and I was angry that I do not have parents to run home to.
Denial- Not at all
Depression- Perhaps, I simply have no desire to be around other people right now as few understand me or my feelings (yes, i know that this is an illogical over-generalization but I am emoting right now, not trying to think logically).

Despite my feelings, I know that God has me in the palm of His hands.  I feel Him close to me.  Needless to say, I spent much time in prayer this week. Prayers is my best weapon against the stages and effects of grief.

Days 463-476

Footprints of Death...............

I feel a little anxious.  There are some things that I need to be removed in my life and other things that I really need to change.  The feelings linked to death do not seem to be a barrier to any of these issues and I feel as if I have moved past the 5 stages of grief rather nicely.  At this point, I just really miss the ones that I lost through death.

Despite, life's twists and turns I AM determined to move forward.

Remember to laugh, live, and love always and on purpose.

Days 430-462

Footprints of Death...............

I have had such an amazing time.  I had the opportunity to travel to South America.  I had difficulties but yet I had an amazing adventure.  Being in a different region really allowed me to value life and think very little about my issues with death. While away, I thought about how happy my parents would have been if they knew that I actually had the opportunity to leave the U.S. and follow my own dreams...my own path....amazing.

In terms of the 5 stages of grief, I am doing well, so I don't need to go through them.  I no longer feel BAADD (bargaining, acceptance, anger, denial, & depression) so right now I am enjoying life as I experience it.
 

Days 414-429

Footprints of Death...............

I am happy to announce to myself that "I made it!"  Yesterday 2/14/11 was my Mom's birthday. She would have been 68 years old.  My Mommy was my rock.  She taught me everything about womanhood and about how to love people beyond their shortcomings.  The latter part of her teachings has truly been an uphill battle and I doubt if I have or ever will master the art of loving people beyond their shortcomings as it places the person who is loving in an awkward and seemingly vulnerable position.

I was just thinking about what I would talk to my Mommy about if I could spend one more day with her on this earth.  I think I would thank her for the golden life nuggets(i.e. how to love, showing strength, being compassionate, being a lady) that she left to me.  Next, I would show her my life today.  Lastly, I would ask her about how I should navigate the rest of my life because sometimes I feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants.  Lol!

Life certainly is NOT what I expected it to be, especially when death has been such a prevalent factor, but life is STILL worth living (big smile).

Remember to laugh, live, and love always and on purpose.

Days 399-413

Footprints of Death...............

I have been busy with school and life, but I have no complaints.  At this point, I feel like I have moved past grief.....at least for now.  There are times when certain scents, songs, phrases, words, or foods bring back fond memories of the ones that I love.  I feel like the greatest gift that I can give my loved ones that have passed on, is the "gift of remembrance."  As time passes, sometimes I am afraid that I will forget them and honestly that scares me a bit. 

I just had a birthday and I am feeling grateful and reflective.  Remember to laugh, live, and love always and on purpose.

Until next time..............................................................................................................................

Days 392-398

Footprints of Death...............

I think for now that my grieving process has ended.  I no longer feel the 5 stages of grief (bargaining, acceptance, anger, denial, depression) so I think that this is great news.  I have peace again!  I know that death is a constant, but so is love and right now I am focusing on the love that I am able to give and to receive.  I am excited again about what life has to offer me.  I know that God has a master plan that I am incapable of understanding.

Remembering that life is not promised so I will laugh, live, and love always and on purpose.