Day 116

Footprints of Death...............


Today was a good day.  I had a singing audition.  I think that it went well but we will see.  


I have heard that death is a part of life in theory but dealing with the aftermath of death has taught me that sometimes death comes so that something new can be born.  I just feel like it's a new season for me. I have spent most of my life caring for my parents at different times, now I have the opportunity to live for myself.  Still weird for me but I am getting used to it. 


Until next time, I will continue to laugh, live, and love.

Day 115

Footprints of Death...............


This week was simply amazing as I watched God single-handedly work out a very important situation that I was dealing with.  Thank God!


Like most people these days, I am in constant transition but I am being mindful not to bury my feelings and move so fast that I lose sight of myself.  I am noticing that many people are dealing with so many personal and financial losses that it is getting harder for people to cope.  I do not profess to have all of the answers, but I do know that a relationship with God has helped me immensely while dealing with the lowest and most devastating times of my life. 


In terms of grief, I am not feel the intense feelings of grief too much anymore.  Right now I am experiencing the good memories and the lessons that both of my parents imparted to me before they passed away.  Those thoughts and reminders are very comforting because I know that I was loved by my parents and no matter what, the love that we shared will never change not even in death.  That still amazes me when I conceptualize that thought.


As for the BAADD (5 stages of grief) acronym I am going to retire this today because I think that I have moved past these stages of grief.  I could be wrong and if I am I will resurrect the idea, but for now I have resolved the initial bargaining, acceptance, anger, denial, and depression that is associated with loss.  I am still a work in progress but feeling good about my progress. 

Day 114

Footprints of Death...............

Wow, a very interesting day, so much so I am completely exhausted. I'll check in tomorrow. Good night!

Day 113

Footprints of Death...............

Today was a day of surprises. I was expecting one thing and got another. It was a good thing but it's just weird how I can never predict how things will turn out but somehow they always turn out o.k.

Life is moving pretty swiftly and using this blog to deal with my feelings of grief has been helpful. I no longer feel the intense feeling of despair and loss. Holidays without my parents are a little tough, but I am learning how to manage these days a little better.

In terms of the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process, I think that I am doing pretty well.

Bargaining- Not at all, I know that both of my parents have passed away.

Acceptance- Totally.

Anger- Not at all.

Denial- No, just unbelief at times.

Depression- Doing much better.

Day 112

Footprints of Death...............

Today was so busy I had no time to think of grief. I think at this point I just miss my parents. The days leading up to the holidays are worse than the actual holidays. It seems that holidays in this country are designed to show you what you do not have and how much you are missing. It's kinda of mean to do that to people.

Anyway, I will go through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining- Not at all.

Acceptance- Totally.

Anger- Not at all.

Denial- No, just unbelief.

Depression- Getting better.

Day 111

Footprints of Death...............

I am as tired as tired can be. I missed yesterday as a result of having way too much fun with family on Sunday.

Day 110

Footprints of Death...............

Easter Sunday was so much fun which is why I did not blog yesterday. I spent time with friends and family and I had fun. To most this would not seem like such a big deal, but I have not been very social for the past 5 to 10 years or so. With school, work, a disabled parent, and other sick relatives I got used to not going anywhere and staying close to home. I guess I was bracing for the next set of bad news back then. In many ways I kinda stopped living but I do not intend to do that again ever. Anyway, this was the first Easter without my Daddy so it was nice to be surrounded by loved ones. Life is short so please forgive and love those in your lives. ....that's my renewed goal in life.

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Easter. Easter or Resurrection Day is about Jesus being raised from the dead for our sins. I am glad that Jesus made this sacrifice for me. Have a great day and remember to laugh, love, and live abundantly.

Day 109

Footprints of Death...............

Today was another beautiful day. Life is good despite certain challenges. I hope that everything continues to change for the better.

Anyway, I feel o.k. so there's no reason to go over the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process.

Happy Resurrection Sunday tomorrow!

Day 108

Footprints of Death...............

Today was a great day! I am so amazed by the beauty of the day. I am not sure if I am just noticing the nature scenes that I live around, or if everything is really this beautiful. It's crazy! I am trying to figure out why things are so vividly colorful and alive. Maybe I am noticing everything with fresh eyes because I was TRULY depressed since the passing of my Mommy in 1999 and then I had a heavier episode in 2009 when my Daddy passed, but it seems like for the past 10 years I was living life in a dull fog or haze. I cannot fully explain how I feel but I am simply excited to wake up in the morning. I have always been driven, but this excitement has nothing to do with getting something new or having more money than I can spend in a lifetime (although that would be nice...lol), or driving the latest car. I am just happy for the first time in 10 years for the life that God has given me. Grateful is an inadequate word to explain exactly how I feel.

At any rate, the deep feelings of grief and loss are starting to lessen. Again, another example of God's mercy and grace towards me. I love Jesus! I cannot express how much my relationship with God has helped me through horrific times. Accepting God's son Jesus as my Lord and savior has changed my life. In spite of all my losses, sicknesses, and hardships, I endured all of them because I was in communication with Jesus who kept encouraging me to "HOLD ON."

For anyone reading who feels in their heart of hearts that they are merely sucking in air and existing only to wake up to a new misery the next day, please understand that right now you are not emotionally well. You may be hurting from the death of a loved one. This is the time to fill your spiritual self up. I personally, have found that Jesus fills all voids and heals all wounds. The book of Psalms in the Bible was a great grief comfort for me. I know that He can do the same for you but you have to invite Him in. Tell God exactly how you feel because He hears you and He loves it when we acknowledge and speak to Him. Can you imagine how the people in our lives would feel if we never called them, never told them that we love them, and never ever showed concern or said thank you for the things that they have done and sacrificed for us? Me neither! But yet, we treat the God of the universe in this way. We pay him little attention when he is kind and powerful enough to make the sun to shine by day and the moon by night. He's sooooo amazing!

Well, since tonight is Good Friday I am not going to go through the BAADD process, I will say because Jesus rose on the third day I have hope that I can conquer any circumstance in my life and that includes the deep dark ugly robber called grief. How do I know? Because when Jesus died and rose again he took the keys of death, hell, and the grave from the devil so that you and I could have eternal life and no longer live under the curse of sin. Again, He is truly amazing.

Day 107

Footprints of Death...............

I do not have too much to say today. Doing well. As for the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process I will begin:

Bargaining- Not at all.

Acceptance-Totally.

Anger- No manifestations in a while.

Denial- No, just unbelief.

Depression- Getting better and determined to win.