Day 71

Footprints of Death...............

Saying that I am exhausted at this point is an understatement, so I won't say it. Lol! Finals are upon me so thoughts and feelings of grief are not prominent in my mind, as my focus is briefly averted.

As I promised myself early on in the blog, I will check in with myself in regard to how I am doing with the grief or BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining- Not at all.

Acceptance -Totally, my parents are gone.

Anger - No manifestations.

Denial- No, just unbelief from time to time.

Depression- Fighting my way out and determined to win!

Day 70

Footprints of Death...............

I am soooooooo exhausted I will just run through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process and where I am in the stages today.

Bargaining - Not at all. I understand that both of my parents are gone, no one to bargain with (smile).

Acceptance - Totally.

Anger- No manifestations today. No seething or suppressed anger either that I can identify. Yay!

Denial - No, just unbelief from time to time.

Depression -Fighting my out and determined to win!

Goodnight!

Day 69

Footprints of Death...............

Everyday is starting to get a little brighter and a little brighter. I feel as though I am walking out of a 100 foot deep pit that was so dark and so cold that I did not think that I would ever see my way out. The picture that I describe is the picture of grief. Grief has a way of making you feel like you are all alone in a sea of despair but God can heal the human heart of any pain and all we have to do is ask for his help, then allow Him to help. That always amazes me!!! God's power is amazing to me. There is no pit, no fear, no aloneness, no disease, no depression, no anger, no disillusionment, no uncertainty, no pain, and no heartbreak that my God cannot heal. I am eternally grateful.

Today, I had many little tasks to do. I am adamant to take small steps in the direction of my dreams as I am finally able to pursue them. As I have said before, I feel empowered by the strength that both of my parents left me to complete or fulfill my destiny. I have so many dreams that I have longed to fulfill but I always promised myself that I would never pursue my life and leave my parents behind to suffer. Never! I always thought of myself as a military commander in my family. Why? Because I refused to leave a man behind in this war called "life". When both of my parents were physically disabled I knew that I would not leave them to suffer alone, even if that meant that I sacrificed my own dreams. I must say I am glad that I made the decision to stay and support them in anyway that I could. I'm glad because I feel a sense of wholeness and a renewed faith in knowing that the things that I have always wanted to achieve, God has already prepared for me. He allowed me this time to mature enough to receive and to thrive in the destiny that He has prepared for me.....at least this is how I feel.

Now it is time to run through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining - Not at all.

Acceptance - Totally.

Anger - Not today, no manifestations.

Denial - No, just unbelief from time to time.

Depression - Fighting my way out and determined to win!

As always, I fully intend to laugh, live, and love intentionally.

Day 68

Footprints of Death...............

I am pooped. Long day and heavy school assignment = one tired woman.

The BAADD (5 stages of grief) process for the day:

Bargaining -Not at all.

Acceptance -Totally.

Anger - No, not today. No manifestations.

Denial - No, just unbelief.

Depression -Fighting my way out and determined to win.

Day 67

Footprints of Death...............

I had a thought today. It was not necessarily an original thought, but it was an interesting thought nonetheless. The thought was, recovering from the effects of death is a part of life. It is a very hard part of life, but still a part of life. I'm noticing that some people have never lost anyone close to them. I almost feel sorry for those people because they have little to no compassion for people who have lost a loved one. These people exhibit apathy (no feeling) as if they think they will never suffer loss, to that notion I say, "Silly mortals." That was a just a mind boggler that I had to express.

Anyway, exhaustion is upon me, so I must retire for the night.

The BAADD (5 stages of grief) process for tonight:

Bargaining- Not at all.

Acceptance-Totally.

Anger- Not today, no manifestations.

Denial- No, just unbelief.

Depression-Fighting my way out and determined to win!

Day 66

Footprints of Death...............

Yesterday (Valentine's Day) was my Mommy's Birthday. My brother and sisters memorialized her life by telling her things that we would want to say to her now. We wrote our thoughts to her in a card and brought flowers. It was a beautiful time. I am happy to have been loved and supported by the best woman and mother ever, my Mommy, Harriet. I miss you Mommy and your efforts to raise a good woman are being realized everyday that I wake up. You would also be so proud of Gail, Tlona, and Ephrem as they have amazing strength and determination.

Well, where am I in the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process today?

Bargaining- Not at all

Acceptance - Totally accepted my parents death.

Anger- Sometimes, but not too much and no real manifestations,

Denial- No, unbelief at times.

Depression- Fighting my way out and determined to win!!!

Day 65

Footprints of Death...............

Sorry that I skipped Sunday but it was Mommy's Birthday. She would have been 67 years old on Valentine's Day. I did not blog yesterday because it was a little too hard, but thank God I made it through the day with a smile and a sense of peace instead of grief and sadness.

Remember to laugh, live, and love always and intentionally.

Day 64

Footprints of Death...............

Today was a beautiful day outside but early on in the day I started to feel blue. My Mommy's birthday is on Valentine's Day so this morning I was thinking about how my life would be if she was here. I thought about what I would tell her. I thought about what she would look like because she still looked young when she passed away at 56 years old. After having those thoughts, my attitude really took a dive. I started to become irritated and I did not want to go out but I had plans.

My plans led me to a meeting of women then I went to a Valentine's Day party. I'm glad that I went out I had fun. Wow, these emotions can be way too much some times. Sometimes I wish I did not have them because I have to feel things that I do not want to feel.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone and please remember to show love to the people that you care about as tomorrow is not promised. Remember love is stable and unconditional, it last forever, real love cannot be turned on and off like a faucet, real love lasts the test of time. Love you Mommy!

Day 63

Footprints of Death...............

Yesterday, I was too tired to blog so I went to sleep at 8:30 p.m. I am feeling a sense of belonging lately and I am glad. The grief process at first was making me feel like I did not belong anywhere as both my parents are no longer here. Now, I realize that the "loneliness" emotion was just my realization that the parents who brought me in this world, are not here anymore.

We are two days away from Valentine's Day and that is usually a hard day for me because that is my Mommy's Birthday. She was truly my little love bug. She loved everyone and showed it. I watched her love people so hard that they were afraid that she had an ulterior motive, but she did not, she just wanted to love people. I think she passed that trait on to me because she taught me that there is nothing higher than loving someone despite if they understand love or are able to love you back. My mother was the only person that I know that exemplified "unconditional love" to me. Her love never wavered. I could and I believe that I always can rely on her example of unconditionally love. Because she loved me so perfectly, I am able to share love with others in the same way. Thanks Mom! I am missing you this weekend, but you deserve to rest.

I truly miss my Mommy. She was so spiritually attuned she knew what all of her kids were going through before they even said anything to her. Amazing! I often wonder what advice she would give to me now. I have almost achieved my educational goal, I haven't fully achieved my career goals, I haven't fully achieved my creative goals in terms of music or writing, so I wonder what she would say to me right now. Maybe she will appear to me in my dreams as usual and show me the way.

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone. Celebrate love in a pure way. Love is constant, stable, never-ending, is kind, does not demand it's own way, is not conceited, suffers long, believes all things, endures all things, LOVE NEVER FAILS.

I'll skip the stages of grief for now and come back to them later.

Day 62

Footprints of Death...............

Another amazing day! It's amazing because I made it through the day with no feelings or thoughts of grief. It seems that my focus is shifting from grief into making the best life possible for myself. That is truly awesome! In such a short time I have come so far.

I am tired tonight. I have to finish an assignment on how to assess disease causality. I know it may sound boring, but learning is truly my passion, so cut me some slack for being a nerd. Lol!

I better check in on myself in terms of the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining- Not at all, my parents have passed away.

Acceptance- Totally accepted both of their deaths.

Anger- No manifestations or feelings in a while.

Denial- No, just unbelief from time to time.

Depression - Fighting my way out but determined to win!!

As always my life's goal is to laugh, live, and love intentionally.