Day 61

Footprints of Death...............

Life is really moving fast right now. I'm kinda holding on to the dashboard on the passenger side of the vehicle while life is driving as if we are in a race car. Lol!

Very busy day, so busy that I am exhausted.

I do wanna check in on where I am in the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining- Not at all.
Acceptance -Totally. I know that my parents are gone.
Anger- Not at all.
Denial- No just unbelief.
Depression- Fighting my way out and determined to win!!!

Day 60

Footprints of Death...............

What an amazingly busy day! Unbelievable! I must say that the joy of the Lord is my strength. I have not thought about that scripture since going through the grief process so I know that I am healing nicely to even have that in my heart.

I am feeling so much better. My bleak outlook now has a beautiful sunrise. It was a step by step journey through what seemed like a never ending dark tunnel, but now I am seeing the light. Thank God!

For anyone dealing with grief right now and feeling hopeless, please hold on. Try not to do anything crazy or give into using alcohol, food, or sex as a substitute for your true feelings..pray more, read the Bible if you can, and I assure you God will meet you because He hears every word that we say and he loves us enough to make our situation better. Believe me, I know!

Alright, I'm gonna run through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining - Not at all.

Acceptance -Totally, I accept that both my parents have passed.

Anger- Not today, no manifestations or seething anger.

Denial- No, just unbelief.

Depression - Fighting my way out and determined to win!!!

Day 59

Footprints of Death...............

I finally had a moment to blog. Yikes. Blogging is my vacation or getaway so when I don't get a chance to blog I get a little anxious. Lol! Anyway, I finally made it on. I had some reading to do tonight, it was about the causality of disease. I know it sounds boring but it is very interesting conceptually.

Last night I was able to get great rest. Just pure REM (deep sleep) it was awesome. When I first lost my Dad on Nov 10, 2009 I could not sleep, it was like I could sense my Dad and I was in complete disbelief that he was gone. My mind would race every time I tried to sleep so for a while I stopped trying to sleep and grabbed a nap here or there. I noticed that I was becoming very irritable and I was an emotional wreck, which for me is rare as I always monitor myself in terms of how I am feeling and why. Anyway, lack of sleep was doing me in so much I went to the doctor and he prescribed sleeping pills. Thank God for doctors! The pills that he gave me shut my mind off during the night and allowed me to sleep.

Aside from great sleep last night, something else wonderful happened today. It took almost three months since losing my Dad, but today I smiled for no apparent reason. This may not sound like much to you but I usually laugh all of the time about anything. I have had so many bad things happen to me in life that I used laughter to turn those situations into something that I could handle through laughter. So today, without seeing or hearing something funny I just smiled....and for no reason I kept smiling. I thank God for that miracle happening to me today and in such a short time.

Ok, I have grown fatigued again. I'm gonna turn in and anxiously wait to see what God has in store for me tomorrow. But before I go I better run through where I am in the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining- Not at all.

Acceptance- Totally accepted the fact that my parents are gone.

Anger - No manifestation, no burning in my chest, so not today.

Denial- No, just unbelief. Sometimes I stop and check my surroundings and check my phone just to make sure I am not dreaming and my present state is my new reality.

Depression - Fighting my way out and determined to win!

Day 58

Footprints of Death...............

Great day at church. I had some time to relax. I am tuned in now to the Superbowl but I have no idea what football is all about. My Dad and brother were into baseball and basketball so I did not get much of an education in football. Lol!

Anyway, since things are mellow for me I will run through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining - Not at all.

Acceptance -Totally accepted the death of both my parents.

Anger- No and no manifestations in days.

Denial - No just unbelief at times.

Depression -Fighting my way out and determined to win!

Have a great evening!

Day 57

Footprints of Death...............

It has continued to rain heavily in Los Angeles. We are under storm watch. The rain seems to confuse people on the road but I'm not sure why. Lol.

I am about to start working on a school assignment. I hope it goes easily. I have been operating under a lack of adequate rest all week. I just awoke from a 2 hr nap but I could use about 8 more hours to be somewhat caught up on my sleep.

The running pattern for the past two weeks is that feelings of grief have started to dissipate. That's great right? After feeling so devastated for so long it is so nice to open the blinds and see the "metaphoric sunlight." Now that feelings of grief are diminishing I have been asking God for direction for my life. In the past my focus has always been to work hard so that I could better the lives of my parents. Now that my parents are deceased I can think about myself and decide what direction I want my life to go in, but I do not want to choose a direction that God has not predestined for me. I know that God will lead me and I am exciting about Him doing so.

Ok, I better get going on the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process for the night.

Bargaining- Not at all.

Acceptance - Totally accepted the loss of my parents.

Anger - No angry feelings or manifestations in days.

Denial - No, just unbelief from time to time.

Depression - Fighting my way out and determined to win!

Good night!

Day 56

Footprints of Death...............

T.G.I.F. This week was hard. I was operating on minimal rest all week and I am happy that it's over. Today was a rainy day in Los Angeles and if you know anything about Los Angeles, rain might as well be snow, at least that's the way California drivers treat their commute. Lol!

Grief has taken another back seat in my life today. I am starting to think of my pain less and less. The truth is I do not even feel the pain that I felt a few months ago. That is a real relief!

Anyway, I wanna check in on the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process:

Bargaining- Not at all.

Acceptance-Totally.

Anger -No manifestations.

Denial - No, just unbelief.

Depression -Fighting my way out!

As always, I am committed to laugh, live, and love intentionally. Good night!

Day 55

Footprints of Death...............

Today started quite early and it took me a little while to really wake up. Honestly, I don't think I woke up until about 3:00p.m. so sad. Lol! I have been working myself very hard so I have to find time to pause. I guess this is my time to give pause to the hustle and bustle of life. Right now I'm sitting in my dark living room typing this blog entry.

I am noticing that I seem to be turning the corner on the grieving process. I started righting this blog exactly one month from the date my Dad passed away, so if I add those thirty days to the fifty-five days that I have been blogging then it's been eighty-five (85) days since the loss and I feel like I'm turning the corner on grief. Amazing!

Things that would have upset me 60 days ago and set me off into an angry tirade, now bounce off me like I'm wearing a problem resistant jacket. I love it! I feel whole. I feel like I am living my best life right now and I don't have to wait to do so. Geez, I thank my God for healing my broken heart. There is no verbal explanation for how the grieving process devastates the human soul........but healing is a beautiful thing. For all those having a rough time with grief, just hang in there, surround yourself with the people that truly love and support you, develop a relationship with the God of the universe, and trust Him to lead you to peace and resolve with the loss that you have experienced. God will always show up in our lives when we invite Him in, but we have to invite Him. No one comforts the soul like God, believe me I know.

Now, I'll check in with my BAADD (5 stages of grief) process for the night:

Bargaining- Not at all, both of my parents are deceased.

Acceptance - Totally.

Anger- Not today, no manifestations in days.

Denial- No just unbelief from time to time.

Depression- Fighting my way out and determined to win!!!

As always, I vow to cherish everyday and to laugh, live, and love intentionally.

Day 54

Footprints of Death...............

Today was another eventful day. For the past week I have had the opportunity to learn new things and to have a completely new scenery. I feel like this "newness" is affecting me in a very positive way.

Lately, I feel like I am somehow surrounded by both my parents. I know that seems weird and I am not suggesting that I have some kind paranormal ability but I feel like I sense their presence. Weird right? I know.

Anyway, grief is starting to subside and it is being replaced with hope. For me, blogging this experience has forced me to consistently analyze where I am in the grieving process. Self-monitoring is helping me to heal quite nicely. I know that I will always be affected by this loss, but the deep feelings of woundedness and aloneness are dissipating.

Well, I'm a little tired so I think I better go through the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process for the night:

Bargaining- Not at all. The deal is closed my parents are no longer on this earth. Lol!
Acceptance-Totally. I am fully aware that they are no longer physically here.
Anger- Not today (big smile).
Denial- Not at all, just unbelief at times.
Depression- Fighting my way out and determined to win!!!

As always, I am committed to laugh, live, and love intentionally. I am also committed to the people that I love. I make a new committment to them to treat them like they are precious and to treat them with the understanding that tomorrow is not promised so I'll give love, accolades, friendship, hope, kindness, longsuffering, joy, honest advice, confidence, comfort, and stability today....then there will be no regrets if either I or those I love do not get to see one another again.

Day 53

Footprints of Death...............

Today was another busy day. I am so tired that I'm a bit sore from excessive unplanned exercise. Lord, help this body of mine!

Right now there are many new things that I am embarking on and it feels good to enjoy these moments. It's so nice to have new seasons of change. Like I said in earlier blogs, it is nice to finally have a life of my own. I mean a life where I do not have to worry about taking care of another person, but I can focus on myself a little more. Of course I miss my parents and their presence cannot be replaced but at the same time I'm enjoying being with myself and making decision for "me" alone. I never thought I would feel this way or have this kind of opportunity. I know that this may seem strange but it is how I feel and it feels good to express the feeling.

In terms of the BAADD (5 stages of grief) process, I am going to go through it for the day.

Bargaining- Not at all.

Acceptance- Totally.

Anger- No, not today.

Denial - No, just unbelief at times.

Depression - Fighting my way out.

As always, I am remembering to laugh, live, and love intentionally.

Day 52

Footprints of Death...............

I was so busy I missed Sunday. Unbelievable, I had not missed a day since I started this blog in November. Oh well, I cannot cry over spilled milk.